Another round on the roller coaster

We are now three weeks after Christmas, and I'm sad to report that no, Ty did not make it home before the holiday.  At my last post, there was no news and then suddenly...a glimmer of hope!  On Friday, December 21 my phone rang. It was our social worker, Teresa.  We were 4 days before Christmas and my heart stopped at the sight of her name on my caller ID...could this be the call we've been waiting for?  She said, "Carey, I've run across a situation, but we haven't talked about it before so I wanted to see what you thought.  I've found a baby boy in the foster system in Missouri.  He is 11 months old today...and his name is Tai'Vone." (pronounced Ty - Von).  I asked her to repeat his name, just to make sure I heard her right.  She said she had limited information and in order to learn more about him we had to submit our homestudy, but she needed our permission to do so.  I didn't know what to say.  I've envisioned a newborn in my mind for the last year, so I didn't know what to do with this twist.  I called Toby and he said without hesitation, "Yes, let's learn more about him."

With that, Teresa sent the necessary paperwork and requested more information on baby Tai'Vone.  I just knew in my heart that if I could see a picture of his little face, I would know if he was mine or not.  Teresa cautioned us that it would probably be after the first of the year before we heard anything, so we waited and prayed. Day after day the idea grew on me.  This Tai and Jake would be 5 months apart...a great challenge now to manage two one year olds, but how fun to have a best buddy to grow up with.  I quickly became attached to the idea and waited not so patiently for business to resume in the new year.  Days and then weeks passed with no word.  We prayed for Abba to fling the doors wide open or slam them shut as we proceeded with this child.

Today, January 21 is Tai'Vone's first birthday.  Secretly, I had hoped that we would somehow get to celebrate this day with him.  He has been removed from the available child registry where Teresa first found him and we have not received a single response from his social worker.  Perhaps this is a closed door.

So what does this mean?  Did my God fail me?  Did He let me down on His promise?  There are many things that I don't know, but I do know that my God ALWAYS keeps His promises...always.  It is most likely that I misunderstood the original "deadline" of Christmas or maybe I was overly eager.  Whatever the truth is, my God is still good.  He is the one who planted the love for Ty in my and Toby's hearts and He will be the one to bring him home in His timing.  Above all else, I know that Abba loves me, He sees and understands my hurt and impatience, and He has amazing things planned for me and my family...inlcuding Ty.

Toby and I are nearing the end of 21 days of prayer and fasting.  My greatest plea is for Ty to come home during this window.  This may or may not happen and that is ok.  We are now praying for direction as we near the one year mark of this adoption journey.  Do we continue to pursue a domestic adoption?  Do we investigate international adoption?  Do we put off adoption for now and have more biological children?  I have so many questions and so few answers today, but I know that Abba has a plan...a great plan.  And when He's ready, He'll tell us which road to take.

I have been so touched by the many, many people who have asked about Ty and have prayed for him.  You will never know the depth of gratitude that comes from this mama's heart to hear of others who love my baby boy and are standing with us to see God's faithfulness.  I know He'll come through...He always does.

Related posts:
12/18/12 - One week to go...
10/11/12 - Bread crumbs while we wait
9/23/12 - A bump in the road
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near

One week to go?

I have shared with you and stood firm on God's word to me that He would bring Ty home around Christmas.  Well, here we are, one week before Christmas and no baby...not even a hint of a baby.  At times I feel like Noah - standing on the corner proclaiming this absurd promise from the Lord.  Some days I am confident and hopeful, other days I am full of doubt.  Either way, my God is faithful, He is trustworthy and He is good.  So many of you have been sweet to ask how things are going, but the truth is there's nothing new to share.  Today we are still waiting to be matched with Ty's birthmother.

Should Christmas come and go next week with no sign of a baby, what does that mean?  I don't know.  I wish I had the answers.  Maybe I heard Him wrong.  Maybe I misunderstood.  Maybe His timing is still different.  Maybe we keep waiting.  The one thing I do know is that my God doesn't need me to defend Him.  I am human and I will do my best in hearing Him, loving Him and serving Him.  So today, we continue to wait...hopeful to bring home our sweet baby boy in time for Christmas.  Thank you for your continued prayers.

Related posts:
10/11/12 - Bread crumbs while we wait
9/23/12 - A bump in the road
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near

Bread crumbs while we wait...

Well, we've done it...everything in our power toward Ty's adoption.  Our profile has been completed and distributed and now we just wait on word of a match.

Click here to see our profile in its entirety.

Our agency has advised us to spread the word far and wide that we are adopting, because you never know where that baby will come from. So please keep us in mind if you ever hear mention of adoption. Our social worker's contact information is available on the last page of our profile. We also ask that you please pray with us as we wait out the remaining months and that God will clearly bring us to the path that leads to our son, Ty.

I had the opportunity to share pieces of our stories with some moms this morning, and I told one of them that as I look back over the last five years or so, I can clearly see building blocks.  Each new thing God has asked us to do is a little bit bigger than the thing before.  I feel like I can look back and see a pattern...we chose to be obedient, Abba came through bigger and better than we could have imagined, and our faith and trust in Him grew.  So next time, if He asks us to do something even bigger, we can know without a shadow of a doubt that He's good for it.  Not only has He not ever failed me, but Abba always blows my mind with the outpouring of His goodness.  My Jesus never does anything "good enough" or "oh, that will do."  No way, He gives greater than we can ask, think or imagine!

In that spirit, Abba knows that waiting is not something I'm very good at.  Ok really...who honestly likes waiting in the unknown?  Exactly, point proven.  So anyway, when we were on our journey from Tennessee back to Alabama and I felt at the end of my rope, Jesus would always give me what I called "bread crumbs"...a little nugget to cling to, a reminder that He's working on things that I can not see, and that He never has and never will leave me.  This journey has been no different.  Over the last two weeks He's given us a few bread crumbs to cling to...

Last week I toted the kids back and forth to Office Depot with me while we were working to get our profiles printed.  I told Haley that we were making some books to help us bring baby Ty home.  She wasn't really interested in more detail, but was rather satisfied to climb up and down the boxes of paper and push the buttons on the calculators.  (Yes, on that day, I was that mom.)  So anyway, one night while I was working on dinner, Haley was playing with a toy phone and handed it to Toby, "Here Daddy, it's for you."  Toby almost always plays along, "Who is it, Haley?"  Without skipping a beat or even giving much thought she replied, "It's baby Ty's mommy."  Toby and I froze and stared at each other, Haley had already moved on to the next thing.  I thought to myself, why yes, Haley, we are in fact waiting on a phone call from baby Ty's mommy.  I tell you, children have such a strong connection to the Spirit.  Please encourage that in your children and pay attention to the "random ramblings" that come out of their mouths.  They may unknowingly be the keepers of great secrets!

My second bread crumb came a few days ago at the grocery store.  The kids and I were watching our cashier scan our items when a young family came up to the lane beside us.  One little boy, maybe about 2 or 3, climbed out of the buggy without his parents noticing, came over to my lane and tried to be so helpful by handing my cashier an onion in a produce bag.  He was so cute and so sweet and so confused as to why she wasn't taking it.  We both said hello to him and commented to each other about how cute he was.  Then I heard his father behind me in a strong, commanding voice, "Ty, Ty.  Come here!"  They apologized for him bothering us, but I was still in shock at what I'd just heard.  I asked his mother, "I'm sorry, but what is his name?"  She absentmindedly replied, "Tyrese" while she tried to wrangle her three small children.  His dad called his name at least another 5 times before they pulled out of the line next to me to find a faster cashier.  I couldn't take my eyes off of the sweet little boy, with my boy's name!  I am amazed at the details that had to play out for me to experience those few, precious seconds.  Another sweet gift from my Jesus...a reminder that He hasn't left us and He's still working, even though we can't see it.

From the very beginning of this process, Abba has impressed "Christmas" on my heart.  Ty will be born and will come home around Christmas.  Sometimes I walk in great confidence of that promise, and sometimes I feel like I'm way out in left field, but recently He has been reminding me of that detail...Christmas.  Over and over and over, He's told me..."Christmas."  And lately, He's gotten a bit pushy about it..."I told you Christmas.  You might need to get his space ready for him!!"  Oh, but, uh...that's going to require some movement behind my faith.  To which He replied, "Exactly."  Between you and me...I'm afraid of being wrong.  What if I am way out in left field and Christmas comes and goes with no baby? What then?  If all we've invested is paperwork and prayers then I can blow it off as, "Oh well, I was wrong, we'll just keep waiting."  But if I have an entire nursery set up, waiting for my tiny son to come home in +/- 75 days and then he doesn't...I don't know if I can look at that space.  Will be a painful reminder of a failure?  SO, here's what we're going to do...we're going to be obedient.  Toby and I have CHOSEN to be obedient, even if it seems ridiculous!  I mean, how ridiculous did Noah look building a boat on dry land in a place that had never seen rain?!?  Ok, so I will take a BIG step out there, risk looking totally ridiculous and wait patiently for my God, my King Jesus, to come through on His latest promise..."I will bring you Ty...this Christmas."

As Haley and I have studied Noah over the last few weeks, I have drilled into her head...

GOD ALWAYS KEEPS HIS PROMISES!

Related posts:
9/23/12 - A bump in the road
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near

A bump in the road

We are so grateful to all of you who have been so encouraging on our adoption journey.  I know it's been a while since my last update here, so let me catch you up to speed.

God has been so good, so clear, and provided so much confirmation to us through this process.  This journey started back in March when I thought I was pregnant.  I had the list of symptoms across the board...strange tiredness, nausea, heightened sense of smell, emotional, you name it.  Any woman who's been there knows the emotional roller coaster you ride in your mind until you get clear, medical confirmation.  So I was really disappointed when my first at home test was negative...didn't even tell Toby about that one.  But the symptoms continued for another week, and since I'd gotten a false negative with Jake's pregnancy, I held out hope.  I had done the math, and if I were pregnant, we would have a Christmas baby.  The next week I had shared my thoughts with Toby and I took another test...negative.  I was so bummed and confused and I launched myself into prayer over it for the next few days.  Through many hours of conversation and questions with Abba, many dreams, and lots of time in worship, He revealed something really cool to me..."Carey, you're not pregnant, but your baby has been conceived."  Ha, uh, weird. What am I suppose to do with that?  After more questions and long talks with Toby, we became convinced that our baby was out there, now is the time to start the adoption process and we will bring him home around Christmas.

So we shared all of this with our adoption agency, including the visions Toby and I have had of our little boy.  We've since learned that people don't usually put so many "specifics" on their adopted baby, but because these sweet people love Jesus and have seen Him do amazing things, they simply said, "Wow!  That's incredible!  We can't wait for the ride."  They have been so encouraging and supportive.  So we truck along, get through the challenging application process and are getting ready for our home study.  The day before our first home study visit, a 17 year old girl, matching our description, called the agency.  She was pregnant and wanted to give her baby for adoption.  She was due the second week of January.  As soon as our social worker mentioned this to us, I just knew, that I knew, that this was our baby.  This was him!  How beautiful, how perfect!  We wouldn't even have to prepare a profile of our family - a scrapbook birthmothers will use to "shop" for an adoptive family.  I got attached, really just to the idea since we knew very little else about the birthmother, but in my heart I knew she was carrying our son.  So we prayed for that birthmother and that sweet baby day in and day out, and anxiously awaited the day of her big ultrasound to determine the sex of her baby.  We knew that big day was coming around the end of August, but we didn't hear from our social worker.  I refused the possibility and clung to the hope that this was our baby.

The last Friday morning of August, I was running errands with Haley and Jake in tow when my phone rang.  It was her, the call I'd been waiting on.  She was so sweet and so kind, but she didn't have an excitement in her voice like I'd hoped.  She told me that the birthmother we'd been praying for was healthy, the pregnancy was going well, and she was having a girl.  I was crushed.  I sat in the parking lot of Sam's Club, not really in a state of shock as much as a "what do we do now?" state.  After hanging up the phone, I cried and then cried some more, knowing my sweet Haley wouldn't understand what had just happened.  Seeing that I was sad, she started singing a song she'd made up, "Don't you worry worry, Mommy.  Don't you worry worry, Daddy."  That was it, the whole song, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.   So I pulled myself together and called another member of our agency.  She already knew the news and was waiting on my call.  I asked her, "What do we need to do to prepare our profile?"

So that's where we are.  Our profile is almost finished and then we will begin "marketing" ourselves.  I hate that term, but it's basically what it is.  But I know that we are not just throwing ourselves out there, begging for someone to please choose us.  Our profile will simply be a tool to connect us with the one, perfect birthmother who is carrying my little boy.  Our prayer is for God to show us the path that leads to our son, and I know that He will do it.

Within a matter of days, Abba was able to show me the good in our disappointment.  To be completely honest, I had allowed Satan to whisper lies to me, horrible lies...and I started to believe them.  They were so horrible that I didn't even tell Toby about them.  That's exactly the way Satan wanted it.  As long as the lies were hidden in the dark places of my mind, they held power over me, but as soon as they were released into the light and brought out into the open they were broken!  I would rock Jake at night and these thoughts would come through my mind, "You're not going to love that baby like you do Haley and Jake.  That child will always be different.  You're going to resent raising someone else's kid when he's sick or he turns out to be a heathen.  God didn't tell you to do this.  You made it up and you want people to say 'Oh, look how great Carey is'."  The sad part is that I listened.  I allowed doubt to creep into my mind.  Are we suppose to adopt?  Are we just out in left field here?  The beauty of this disappointment was that I grieved over "loosing" that baby.  If those horrible lies were true, then the knowledge of this baby being a girl would have been a relief, and it was far from it.  God used my grief to help me knock out the lies, remind me of His promise and solidify my heart for this baby.  Now I am more anxious than ever to have him in my arms!

This past Sunday, our confirming God spoke boldly again.  At the end of the service our pastor asked us to hold out our hands and repeat after him.  I hadn't even been focused on our new son that day and was a bit distracted, but decided to buckle down and focus on the words coming out of his mouth..."Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us."  As soon as those last words came out of my mouth, it was as if a sound wave or something had been traveling through the air and it hit me, nearly knocking me back.  I clearly heard Abba's voice, "I will bring you Ty."  And again He impressed Christmas on my heart.  It was so clear, so powerful, and so out of nowhere that I crumpled into tears.  Even now, He is reminding me of His promise and that His timing is perfect.  We are holding onto that as we ride out the rest of our journey in bringing our baby boy home!


Related posts:
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near

Save the adoption credit

First of all, thank you SO MUCH to all of you who have been so supportive through our adoption process so far.  Many of you have inquired of our progress, have offered prayers on our behalf and have supported Bezi's Creations in an effort to help us raise the funds necessary to bring our son home.  As many of you know, adopting a baby is certainly not a "cheap" endeavor.  When God told us to start this process, even before we had the money in the bank, we took a leap of faith and began walking down this road.  One crucial piece to the funding of our adoption is the adoption tax credit available to families, however this credit is set to expire on December 31, 2012.  If this happens, Toby and I will be unable to capitalize on this wonderful opportunity and great aid in bringing our son home.  The following is copied from another blog and I would appreciate the 5 minutes of your time it would require to help ensure the adoption credit gets renewed.  Also, please share this important information with your friends and families via email, FaceBook and the like.  Thank you so much for your continued support! 

Excerpt from Chapters blog:

Advocate for Kids

Before we started the process of adopting LC, we knew jack about adopting period.  As you can imagine, we've learned a lot recently about the ABC's of the adoption process and both how rewarding it can be emotionally and how draining it can be financially.  Please note: I'm not complaining.  Every penny we've spent has been over and over and over again worth it.  But if you are thinking about adoption or know someone who is or has...or just if you can find it in your heart to care at all about all the children who need a family, there's something you need to know. 

There is good news: there is a "adoption assistance" tax credit that, traditionally, has helped offset some (not all) of the costs of adoption.

The bad news: at the end of 2012, if people don't say something, its gone.  In fact, in 2012, it's already been changed from refundable (you get money back) to non-refundable (it just means you might not have to pay so much if you owe income taxes). 

What does that mean?  Or maybe why should you care?

To put it simply, it means good families who want to change a life and/or provide a loving, stable home but don't make quite enough money might not have the income to adopt a child in need.  (Just so you know, adoption can cost anywhere from $13-$40K on average if adopting privately.)

So this credit going away makes me incredibly sad. How many kids in the future are going to stay in the system because families just can't afford adoption?

I wrote my first ever letter to a Representative today and I'm asking if someone (ANYONE) would take the time to copy this letter (below) and click here to send (typically) a web form to your Representative. It will take 10 minutes of your life.  But it could change someone else's forever.

I hope I've made this really, really easy: 

Dear Representative INSERT NAME:

I am writing to ask you to support the adoption tax credit, which is set to expire on December 31, 2012. The adoption tax credit is especially important to me because INSERT REASON (like: you're planning to adopt, you know someone who has adopted, or you think adoption is a worthy cause).

The adoption tax credit is essential to ensuring that as many children as possible are able to find families and that the cost of adoption is not prohibitive to children being raised in loving, caring environments.  I am asking you to take action on behalf of those who have made both a personal and financial sacrifice to support children in our country and in other countries who are in need.

Please use your vote to make sure the adoption tax credit would be permanent, refundable, inclusive of all types of adoption, and remain a “flat” tax for children with special needs.

On behalf of the countless children waiting to be adopted, and the many thousands of families that stand to suffer financially with the loss of the adoption tax credit, thank you for your attention to this important issue.

Sincerely,

NAME

CITY, STATE

EMAIL ADDRESS

PS: Will you consider re-posting to get the word out?

Bezi's Grand Opening

Bezi's Creations is ready for its Grand Opening on Etsy!  Please take a minute to stop by, check things out and pass the word along.  For this weekend only I'm offering free domestic shipping in celebration of our big kickoff.  Simply enter the code "grandopen" during checkout. 

Make sure to check back often as I have tons of new ideas and great new products coming down the pipeline.  I just wanted to get Etsy up and running with what I already have available.  Remember that all proceeds go toward our adoption expenses.  Thanks again for your support! 

If you're on FaceBook, make sure to like our page, www.facebook.com/beziscreations.  Also in celebration of Bezi's Grand Opening weekend we will be giving away a $20 gift card (either to Bezi's or Amazon, winner's choice).  The winner will be chosen by random.org once the FaceBook page reaches 100 likes.  So help spread the word!

Thanks again for all of your prayers, encouragement and support in bringing our baby boy home!!  

We're over the first hump

We have had so many people ask about how the adoption process is coming, so I wanted to drop a quick note to keep everyone in the loop.  A few weeks ago we turned in our mountain of paperwork.  All of it was reasonable, it was just a lot of stuff to collect...certified copies of our birth certificates, marriage certificates and deed on our house, reference letters from friends and family, proof of employment and insurance, letters from our bank confirming our financial assertions, financial records, autobiographies, medical exams, etc etc etc.  So anyway, we finally got through all of that and are on to the next phase.

We met with our social worker last night and were so encouraged by everything she had to share.  We had some concerns regarding the financial "risks" we are undertaking as spelled out in the contract we have to sign with the agency, but she was a great comfort.  She assured us that they do a lot of screening with the birthmothers on the front end, and statistically, once we are matched with a birthmother the chances of everything working out are really good...at least that is this agency's experience.  She also walked us through the next few steps in more detail.  We will begin the home study process this Sunday and will conclude it after the July 4th holiday.  The home study consists of two visits from our social worker to our home.  She will evaluate how we relate to and "manage" our children, the safety and cleanliness of our home, and we will discuss in more detail our parenting styles, childhoods, and motivations and expectations regarding the adoption.  The home study process is a standard event that is required by the state to be considered a suitable adoptive parent, regardless of where the adopted child comes from. 


The home study should be complete around the middle of July at which point we will begin the education phase.  We will have several conferences with a member of our agency who will provide us with information regarding the specific circumstances and needs of adopted children.  This is one of the reasons that we are so happy to be working with this agency, Children of the World.  This is not just business to them.  They are dealing with people's lives and they take very seriously the opportunity they have to minister to us, the birthmother, and the adopted child. 

At this point, we will be ready to receive our son and will begin the waiting process.  There are several ways to "find" our son, many of which we will investigate further when that time comes.  Once we are matched with a birthmother through a mutual selection process, the majority of our expenses will come due.  The birthmother's individual situation will determine how much financial help she needs from us regarding her basic needs as well as assistance from the agency.  The more help she needs, the more it will cost us.  The agency estimates a maximum expense of around $18,000.  To be honest, we do not have $18,000 sitting in our bank accounts today.  All we know is that God told us to start this process several months ago.  He told me specifically then that He will provide what we need, when we need it, to trust Him and begin the process...even before the money is sitting in the bank.  So here we are.  We have a saved a good bit that will get us started and I have started Bezi's Creations in an effort to raise some of the funds, but we are taking one step at a time...confident that He will make good on His promise, just like He always does! 

On the Bezi's front, I am getting ready to open a shop on Etsy in the next week or so.  I am so excited about all that God has shown me through this business and I hope you will take a minute to check it out.  The FaceBook page will stay up to keep you posted on our adoption progress, to display new products, and to offer promotions. 

Thank you so much to all of you that have been so encouraging.  Please continue to pray for us, our son, and his birthmother.  Please pray for God's guidance as we all make decisions and for all things to play out in His perfect timing.  As always, we are humbled and honored to be used in expanding His Kingdom and spreading His love.

Out of the mouths of babes

Last night I was cleaning the kitchen before bed and had some rare alone time.  I used it to launch into prayer for friends and family and eventually our adoption.  The prayers came freely for our baby boy, his birth mother and the entire adoption process.  The mountains in front of us just seem so big sometimes.  There's the paperwork and the waiting, the fundraising, actually finding this sweet baby, possible health concerns at birth, bringing home a new baby, the adjustment for my other two kids, and the support or lack there of from our family.  In the end, I begged Abba for another sign of confirmation.  I just needed to be reassured that we are on the right path.  This is a life altering decision that will forever effect our little family, our extended family, and our generations to come.  I don't want to be anywhere but right in step with Him. 

Toby and I have not shared anything with Haley about the adoption.  Being only 3 years old, there's so much she won't understand.  There will be lots of waiting, likely some disappointment, and of course the never ending questions.  So we haven't discussed it with her at all and I guess we thought we'd wait until we were further along in the process before bringing her on board.  Well, Abba beat me to it. 

This morning as I was changing Jake's diaper after his morning nap, Haley came into his room carrying two naked baby dolls.  She handed one to Jake and the other to me and she said, "This baby's for you cause you're going to have another baby."  I froze.  I looked at her and said, "What did you just say, sweetie?"  She repeated herself, "You're going to have another baby."  Not believing what I was hearing I asked, "What do you mean by that?"  She was totally confident in her answer, "Jesus loves you.  He's going to give you another baby."  I sat there stunned.  I'd call that "confirmation."  So I shared a little about the road we are starting on.  I asked her how she felt about have two baby brothers and she immediately got excited.  She is the absolute best big sister to Jake and I know she will be to this new baby as well.

By the way, I had a physical done three days ago as part of the adoption process.  My doctor ran a pregnancy test just to be sure...it was negative. 

Thank you, Jesus, for my confirmation.  Thank you for reminding me that You are in control of all things, that you hear me when I call to You, and You love me enough to answer the hard questions in my soul in a way that I cannot mistake.  I know that You will walk us through every, single step of this season.  The ones that will take us through valleys and the ones that will take us to mountain tops.  You will be there, right in front of us, leading the way and we will give You ALL glory for each and every step. 

A far away dream comes near

As long as Toby and I have been together...all the way back to high school, we've dreamed about one day adopting a baby.  For me, that's just what it's been...a dream.  I've always thought that someday it would be nice to entertain that idea, but for now it still seemed pretty far off.   Toby, however, was on another page.  A few weeks after Jake was born in July, Toby said, "I think we should adopt our next one."  Hmm.  We both want to have a big family, but I was fresh off of new baby hormones and not so interested in the idea.  I gave him a half-hearted response, "Huh.  Sure.  Let's talk about it later."  And with that the idea of adoption stayed a far away dream.

As the months wore on, Toby was relentless.  Every few weeks he would bring up the idea, and when it came up again at the first of the year we were in the throws of selling, buying and moving.  Again I brushed him off, "Let's get moved and settled before we launch into another life altering process."  So, here we are.  We've moved.  We're settled.  I'm out of excuses...and it came up again.  Finally, I agreed to start praying about it.  I asked Abba that if adopting a child was really in His plan for our near future then to change my heart and confirm this path.  Wouldn't you know, He did just that.  As I prayed over this for a few weeks I became more and more certain that this was something we should investigate.  Adoption was suddenly in my face everywhere I turned.  I got a call out of the blue from a Tennessee friend.  They were in the middle of the adoption process and wanted some advice and prayer.  On a rare date night out, Toby and I ended up at the movie theater watching October Baby.  (Shameless plug - If you haven't seen October Baby, you need, need to see it.  It has such great perspective and healing from so many angles.  End shameless plug.)  Toby and I had endless conversations about the idea and within a matter of weeks adoption went from a "nice idea for later" to me identifying a hole in my heart.  Through these weeks of prayer I have become convinced that my baby is out there and I am not whole because he is not home with me.  The best way to describe it is that I miss him.  One of my babies is missing.  Abba has His protective hand on my baby boy until we are able to meet him and bring him home.  You see, this isn't about doing some good charity deed.  In my heart I know that we are searching for this one child that has been earmarked for our family.  I'm already attached to this baby I've never even met. 

I suppose Toby's passion for our adoption started years ago.  God gave him a vision and in it he saw he and I walking away.  I was holding his hand and in his other hand was a two year old little boy.  We know that Jake is not the boy he saw.  During my weeks of prayer and searching I had a similar vision during worship at church one weekend.  I saw my Jesus holding the sweet hand of my little boy.  He was about two years old at the time and had the most adorable little face.  His eyes were bursting with joy and the sight of him was so real that I felt like I could reach out and touch him.  That was my baby.  I just know it.   Also during this time I was reading through my Bible and a name jumped off the page at me.  It stayed in my head for days and I couldn't get away from it.  It was my little boy's name.  The name Abba gave him means "chance" and "fortunate."  Rather fitting, I thought.   

Now it's just a matter of following God's leading to the path that will take us to our son.  We have contacted several different adoption avenues in Mobile and decided on Children of the World out of Fairhope, Alabama.   We had our first lengthy visit with our social worker this past week and are so thrilled to be working with them.  The people of this agency truly love the Lord and they love their jobs.  They are deeply compassionate and caring people.  We have received glowing references and love that they take their birthmothers under their wing and minister to them before and after the adoption.  We are now working on our final application for the State of Alabama and are gathering lots of paperwork in preparation for our home study.

A few months back, before I began entertaining the idea of adoption, Jesus gave me specific instructions one Sunday morning.  Our pastor was preaching a series on miracles and as he got started that morning, I found myself thinking, "We've seen so many miracles.  I wonder where we're going next."  Immediately Jesus responded to my spirit, "Adoption.  I want you to start the process even before you have the funds sitting in the bank."  Hmm...seemed random at the time.  So we recognize that adoption is not only a great emotional investment, but it will require a great financial investment as well.  In light of this, my Jesus graciously showed me where some of these funds will come from during a 4am feeding with Jake a few weeks ago.  It was like a light had gone off in my head and everything clicked perfectly in place.  I had been complaining to Toby just days earlier that I felt like I needed somewhere to focus my energy...outside of running our home.  I mean, let's face it...you can only get so much satisfaction and sense of accomplishment out of 14 loads of laundry.  I also have been dabbling in some new creative outlets and had wondered if maybe I could sell some of my creations.  When the goal was extra spending cash it just didn't seem to make sense and the pieces just didn't seem to line up, but now there was a specific goal to strive for.  I would use the skills I've been working on and the creativity He's been working to reveal to bring in the funds we would need to support the adoption.  And just like that Bezi's Creations was born!  Bezi comes from Bezalel in the Bible.  God gave Bezalel the supernatural ability to envision and build all of the items for the tabernacle when the Isrealites were wandering the wilderness.  This guy has just stuck out to me ever since I studied this with my Boothmakers a few years back.  Mind you, I'm a CPA and have never thought myself to be crafty, so any time I come up with anything even remotely unique or cute I claim a "Bezalel moment."  So anyway, Bezi's Creations will offer handpainted furniture (a new, super fun hobby) as well as styles and accessories for little ones including bibs and onesies with neck ties or pearls, month by month onesies to capture your baby's first year, and hooded towels great for snuggling up a freshly cleaned baby or wrapping up a toddler after a fun day at the beach or in the pool.

I am so excited for this new season, even though it will be chalked full of stuff to accomplish.  My prayer over the last few days has been for God to show me how to manage my time, how to structure my day so that I can spend quality time with Him and my family and still take care of our home, gather the needed adoption papers, and get a business up and running.  I tell you, my days of vegging out in front of the TV are long gone.  But it's all good.  I wouldn't change a thing.  He has answered my prayers and so far all systems are running smoothly. 

So, will you help us in this?  Will you join with Toby and me in prayer that God will guide our steps and give us wisdom and discernment as we walk the road that will take us to our son?  Will you pray for protection over our baby and his birthmother?  And will you help me get the word out about Bezi's Creations?  I have started a FaceBook page and would love for you to "like" it and spread the word by sharing it with your friends.  My products will be available for sale on the FaceBook page and also I will have my first sale this coming Saturday.  I'm so excited to get things going!  Thank you in advance for all of your support in this season.  I know my Jesus has some amazing blessings lined up for so many in the coming months.  It's going to be an awesome adventure!

A hard lesson in grace

A hard day...a hard lesson...a good reminder...

This afternoon the kids and I had to leave the house for a few hours, so we took a drive. (More details on that to come later.) After a good hour and we were still not able to return home, sweet Jake was over the car seat. Haley had a movie going, so she was content as could be, but not knowing how long we'd be I knew Jake had to get out of the car. It was a little after 5:00, so I thought we'd grab an early dinner.

Now, I never attempt to eat in a restaurant alone with two children. Any mom with small children knows that is just asking for trouble, but when you're desperate you do what you have to do. So we pulled into a local chicken finger joint. I hauled myself, my 6 month old in carrier, the diaper bag and 3 year old across the parking lot, into the small restaurant, and to an empty table. In a moment of genius I decided to put Jake in a high chair. He's recently mastered sitting up and I figured he'd be happier there than in his car seat...and a happy baby makes for a happy dinner, for everyone.


It turns out that Jake, indeed, liked the high chair. In fact, he liked it so much that he was ecstatic in expressing his excitement...in loud, shrill screams. This squeal is a new skill, so he was thrilled to practice it...over and over. I, on the other hand, was mortified. I do not want to be that mom with out of control kids, disrupting everybody else's meal. But what am I to do? I did everything I could think of...shoved snacks in his mouth, jingled toys in front of his face, even pulled up a cartoon on You Tube on my phone. Oh, he was happy with all my efforts...too happy. I patted his mouth as he screamed in an effort to quiet him, but that just encouraged him on. For once, Haley was sitting in her seat, eating away and being incredibly well behaved.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a young couple sitting next to us watching Jake. I looked over and apologized, but she sweetly laughed and started playing with him. Whew. I continue shoveling in an effort to get us out of there as quickly as possible when an older gentlemen appeared at my side. When I looked up at him he started talking to Jake, "How does such a loud noise come out of such a small body? You are so cute..." he continued and chatted with Haley before saying goodbye.

A few minutes later another gentlemen came to our table. I looked up to him, anticipating another nice compliment about my cute kids. "Will you please do a better job to keep him under control? That noise is really painful." I'm not sure if I replied. I brought my eyes down and they met those of the young woman next to me. I think she was as shocked as I was. I didn't know what to do. Haley and I still had a considerable amount of dinner to finish. I considered going to sit at a table outside, but it was getting cold and I didn't have jackets for the kids. So I shoveled faster and pushed Haley to eat quickly, not wanting to be a bother to anyone else and knowing that eyes were peering at me. After I finished a few more bites, I sacrificed the rest of my salad, asked for a to-go container, boxed up the rest of Haley's food, scrounged to pack up our belongings and loaded my family up to leave. As we walked away from our table, the gentlemen had his back to us, but I was able to make eye contact with his wife. I mouthed, "I'm sorry." She nodded with a "you should be" look on her face and then returned her attention to her food. In the parking lot I did my best to explain the situation to Haley, but she still didn't understand why someone was rude ("mean," in her words) and that we had to leave before we were finished.

Sweet Toby called my cell phone as I pulled out of the parking lot. It just so happened that he was on his way to class and we passed at the red light in front of the restaurant. He had good news, but I couldn't concentrate on it, much less celebrate it. When I told him what had happened at the restaurant, he quickly asked for the man's description. Not wanting to cause a scene and fearful that maybe I just overreacted or was being too sensitive, I hesitated. He was insistent, I described the man, and he said, "I've gotta go" ...click.

About fifteen minutes later my phone rang again. "That man wanted to apologize and says that he didn't mean to upset you." Still hurt, I didn't care, but was touched that Toby took interest in my pain. Here's Toby's side of the story...

As soon as he walked in, he looked around and the young couple that had been sweet to me knew exactly who he was. They whispered to each other and put their heads down. Toby declined an invitation from a friend to join his table and responded, "Thanks man, but I'm not here for food." He found the offender and his wife and helped himself to seat at their table. He began, "First of all, I am very sorry if my family disrupted your evening." At this, the man put the pieces together and started to stutter. Toby is no small fry. He continued, "However, that was my family and I don't appreciate the way you spoke to my wife. She left here very upset and there was no reason for it." The man replied, "Look, I didn't mean to upset her. (His wife added her agreement.) I've had a hard day and a headache..." The man wore a uniform for a local plant...a similar work environment to Toby's job. My sweet husband answered, "I know what kind of job you do, sir, and I understand that days can be tough, but my wife has had a challenging day as well." "Yes, we've raised children and grandchildren." "Good, then you know that sometimes you can't do much to control a six month old. She was doing her best to deal with two kids on her own and she rushed her own dinner so she wouldn't disrupt others. Next time, maybe you could offer to help a mom who's struggling instead of being critical."

As Toby left the restaurant he ran into the young couple in the parking lot. They cheered him on. In a sigh of relief, Toby said, "Man, if I didn't love Jesus, I'd of said a whole lot more." The young guy jumped in, "Hey, I love Jesus and I'd of let him have it!"

I am by no means looking for pity or attempting to make myself a victim. I have no doubt that my baby was a distraction and unpleasant presence for most everyone else in that restaurant. For that, I apologize. But I will always remember this evening as a reminder to show grace to others...even when they're unpleasant. You never know what someone else is going through.

Jesus, when I find myself annoyed by someone else, please help me to be a blessing and not hurtful. Help me to remember how powerful my words are...they can build up or they can easily tear down. Show me how to extend your love, even when it's difficult.

Toby, you will never know what your actions tonight did for my soul. You fought for my honor. You are my hero and I love you all the more!

I am in love

So first, many apologies for my near six month absence, but I can tell you that God is still good and I have lots to share with you.

We have been enjoying our little man and our new family dynamic of four. I must admit, the adjustment into a mom of two little ones took longer than I expected. Now that Jake is pushing 6 months, I think we've finally found our rhythm.


My little man has been such a sweet gift. I am blown a way, and a bit sad, that so many milestones have already come and gone. Jake has the sweetest spirit. He is content with nearly any situation and rarely fusses. He is finally entertaining the idea of food and today his first tooth broke the surface. He's working hard on sitting up and squirming and rolling desperately across the floor. It won't be long before he's off and running. He adores his big sister and could watch her endless singing and dancing for hours. The bond they share amazes me...it started before he was even born. He would often shift in the womb at the sound of Haley entering the room. I know their bond will always be tight. Before he arrived, I didn't know what it would be like to share my love, attention and affections between two little ones. I have been amazed in these last six months that I haven't had to split my love at all, Jake simply opened a new corner of my heart...a corner reserved just for him. I had forgotten how easy it is to fall hopelessly in love with such a small, helpless little person. I am honored to be his mommy and am loving our days of watching him grow and learn.

One of my prayers for Haley before Jake was born was for her to be excited about her little brother and to not be jealous of him. So far, so good. She is enamored with her "baby." She loves to help with him, entertain him and teach him how to play with his toys. She has never expressed any envy or ill will against him. From the day he entered our lives, she has been nothing but excited about him. She has taken on her new role of big sister like a pro, and I couldn't have asked for anything more. Like the rest of us, she is anxious to teach him about life, although I'm sure her perspective will be special indeed.

My sweet Toby has been such a rock...my hero. I am thrilled for him to have a son, and as a bonus Jake is Toby's little clone. When sitting in his daddy's lap, the resemblance is uncanny. But when you look at Toby's baby pictures, you can barely tell them apart. Toby is so proud of his son, and so helpful in every way. There is nothing I love more than watching my sweet babies adore their daddy. I am truly one blessed woman. The gifts God has given me in these three people are beyond what I ever imagined.

Stick with me over the next few days as I hope to update you on the last six months. I pray you each had a wonderful Christmas celebration and have been able to enjoy priceless family time throughout this holiday season.

The making of our miracle - Part 2

If you haven't had a chance to read the background, please take a minute to do so by clicking here. I want you to see the full scope of how amazing my God is!

Tuesday, June 28: Toby came to me this evening and mentioned that he felt like he should fast for Jake to turn. I had a similar inkling the previous Sunday, but didn't mention it to him. I agreed that would be a good idea. Obviously, being nine months pregnant, fasting food was not wise for me, but after some prayer Jesus led me to fast Facebook. It seems silly, I know, but instead of absent-mindedly reading other people's posts throughout the day, I would use that time to pray for my son. For Toby, the idea was similar. Instead of snacking throughout the day or taking a lunch break, he took that time to pray and read scripture. I had been on a roller coaster emotionally and spiritually, so for those days I clung to this scripture, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you. But this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting." Matt 17:20-21 Being days away from my due date and my son had made little effort to turn head down, I felt this to be a mountain. And so we fasted and prayed for Tuesday and Wednesday and by Wednesday evening, God had broken through.

As Toby and I laid in the bed Wednesday night, we were praying for Jake as usual but Toby threw in a new twist..."God we will submit to Your will. We will trust You, even if this delivery doesn't turn out like we want." In the natural, I agreed, not wanting to explain my heart to Toby. In my spirit, I was angry. NOOO, THIS is what we have prayed for. I will not entertain an alternative. I will not allow those words, spoken aloud, to damage my faith! Despite my anger, I had to entertain the idea...What if God's will is different than mine? How could that be? Why wouldn't He want me to deliver my children naturally? I don't want to be angry with God on the other side of this birth.

Tuesday, July 5, 11:51pm: I woke up with a strong pain in my pelvis. I was convinced that Jake had finally settled down in my pelvis. The way he had been laying the past few weeks had given me so much hope in that he had not settled down into my pelvis yet, so he was still free to turn. Now, that hope was gone. I got up and went to the restroom and came back to bed and did my hang upside down exercises in hopes of getting him back out. After 4 or 5 minutes I gave up and laid back down. A few minutes later, it was back...sharp pressure. C'mon Jake, please move so I can go back to sleep. After about a minute it went away and I started to get comfortable again. Wait! Could it be? Uhhh...I don't know!?! I never went into labor with Haley, so I had never experienced contractions with her. Is this it? The last two "pains" had been about 10 minutes apart, so I laid there and waited. I didn't want to wake up Toby yet out of fear of panic on his end and false alarm on mine. So I pulled up my Contraction Master app on my iPhone (crazy, I know) and waited. About 10 minutes later, there it was again. I took deep breaths through it for about a minute until it passed. While the contractions were intense, they didn't hurt. It was a crazy feeling. I knew this was it, but it was nothing like Hollywood portrays natural childbirth. We had researched and prayed about this experience...we were believing for a pain free labor and at this point it seemed like we were getting it!

After an hour of this my contractions were about 8-9 minutes apart and lasting about 60 seconds each. This was it, it was time to wake up Toby. My midwife, Cindy, told me that if I were to go into labor and I knew Jake hadn't turned, that I shouldn't labor at home, but go ahead and come in to the hospital. So I woke up Toby and we agreed it was time to call Cindy. I explained where we were and her words are still with me..."I'm so sorry, Carey." I knew exactly what she meant. I was going to have a c-section despite all of my desperate prayers and efforts. Delivering a breech baby vaginally with a previous c-section was risky. As much as I hated the idea, a section would be safer. After I got off the phone with Cindy, I mourned my dream for a few minutes with Toby until my sweet Jesus gave me peace in my heart about it and allowed me to focus on the task at hand. It was time to gather our things, head to the hospital and meet our son!

We checked into the hospital at exactly 3am. They got me settled and hooked up to monitors and then Cindy walked in the room with an unexpected excitement. She said, "Ok, here's what we're going to do. We're going to prep you for the section, anesthesia and all, and then we'll see if the OB will do a version (manually turn him) in the operating room. If he turns, you can delivery him, if not then you'll be ready for the c-section." It sounded good to me. From what I could tell we didn't have anything to loose. Before she left, Cindy checked me and I was 4cm dilated, after only 3 hours of contractions. To be honest, I was a bit proud of that progress. From that point forward my contractions got dramatically closer together. Within an hour they were coming about a minute apart and getting even stronger. The amazing this is, they were completely bearable. They were strong and required my full attention, but I wouldn't describe them as painful. Cindy returned a bit later. Her excitement a little deflated..."He won't do it." And with that, my last hope was gone. We were headed to the operating room.

As I sat on the side of the table receiving my anesthesia, the reality came crashing down. For the brief moment I was allowed to look at Toby, all I could verbalize was, "I don't want this. It wasn't suppose to go like this." Toby was then instructed to sit on the other side of the room, out of my line of vision. Tears began to fall but I fought my grief to be deadly still as they were putting needles in my back. However, my tears hitting the floor concerned my nurse and anesthesiologist and they started to panic, "What's the matter? What's wrong? What hurts?" I couldn't speak. At this point my sweet Cindy was able to step in and explain, "most of it's just disappointment." Her presence in the operating room was a sweet gift from my Jesus.

The surgery began and before long one of the nurses told Toby, "You may want to stand up and look if you want to see them pull him out." She continued, "Remember, he's breech so they'll pull out his bottom first." Toby stood and peered over the drape blocking my view. He watched as they pulled him from my womb. At 5:02am, the surgeon pulled him up by his hips. His head and abdomen hanging down to reveal his cord wrapped, not once, but twice around his tiny neck. Toby asked the surgeon in disbelief, "Was his cord around his neck?" The surgeon quickly dismissed his question, waving his hand as if to say "Don't say that where she can hear you. It will upset her." I vaguely heard the question, but it took a few seconds for those words to sink in. I turned to Toby and said, "Was his cord around his neck?!?" His words were so gentle, "Yeah, it was." At that moment, we heard our tiny son release his first cry. It was absolutely the sweetest sound I had ever heard! In a moment, Abba revealed why He hadn't granted my plea. If Jake had turned head down in my womb, his wrapped cord and the demands of a vaginal labor would have likely choked him to death. To think that we could have so easily lost him...it was enough to do me in. I lost it there on the operating table. The reality was sinking in and my emotions overcame me...thanksgiving pouring out. The anger that I expected was nowhere to be found. I had nothing but shear awe and gratitude that my Jesus did not grant my prayers. Again, Cindy was a wonderful gift in being able to verbalize my emotional breakdown to the medical team.

Jake was examined, wrapped up, and brought to me for my first glance and snuggle. He was perfect. The most beautiful baby boy I'd ever seen. They finished my surgery and wheeled me into recovery. Cindy had taken charge of Jake so he was able to stay in the operating room with me and was allowed to go to the recovery room before making a trip to the nursery. I was able to nurse him there and he did beautifully...an answered prayer.

Hours before I went into labor, Toby pulled our prayer requests off the bathroom mirror. I had written them up weeks earlier and posted them in our bathroom and at my kitchen sink. These are the things we were asking God for:
Jake to be delivered on or before his due date, July 8 - He arrived on July 6.

Jake to turn head down, face down soon and stay down - I did everything in my power to make this happen, but my Jesus knew better.

Labor to begin on its own and to be as pain free as possible - My body began contracting at home and while they were strong, my contractions were not painful.

To know when to go to the hospital - Our phone call to Cindy was all the prompting we needed. We were able to take our time gathering the rest of our things, and have a light-hearted time as we headed to the hospital. We even joked with each other about the amount of stuff we hauled inside. We looked like we were ready for a European vacation.

Little to no medical interventions, including pain medication, episiodomy, c-section and pitocin - I had to surrender this one.

No complications concerning:
Carey's blood pressure - I had preeclamsia with Haley, but my BP stayed perfectly stable the entire time I was in the hospital.

Carey's asthma - There were no problems or concerns with this.

Jake's position or size - My perfect baby boy was 6 lb, 3 oz at birth.

Jake's heart rate - This is a common indicator of problems during a VBAC delivery. Since we didn't VBAC, it wasn't a major factor, but he was deemed healthy from the start.

Jake's breathing - There were no problems or concerns with this.

Uterine rupture - This is the major risk involved with a VBAC. My fear in multiple c-sections was excessive scar tissue from previous sections limiting the number of pregnancies I could carry. Just after this surgery began, the surgeon volunteered, "Wow, you have very little scar tissue." That knowledge was a sweet bonus from my Jesus.

No tearing or stitches needed - With the c-section, this became obsolete.

Jake to breastfeed quickly and easily - Thanks to Cindy, he was able to nurse during recovery, and he did wonderfully. He's done great ever since.

Carey to recover quickly with no postpartum complications - While a section recovery is always difficult, this one has been dramatically easier than Haley's recovery. Not only have I had no complications, but we were able to leave the hospital a day early.

Toby to have confidence and wisdom in all decision making - Toby was a rock through the entire process. Beginning when I woke him after my first hour of labor, he never panicked. He remained calm and light-hearted at all times and was always a rock for me.

So you see, outside of the c-section, Abba answered every one of my requests. Some even beyond what I had hoped for.

Cindy had mentioned weeks before that there were two possibilities for Jake not turning. First, a short cord, which turned out to be the case. Most of his cord was wrapped around his neck. Second, the possibility of a "heart shaped uterus." If Jake had grown up into one side, there would be a septum in the middle preventing him from turning. Because I now had carried two breech babies, Cindy asked the surgeon to look for this. After delivering Jake, the surgeon examined my uterus and concluded that I, indeed, had a bicornuate uterus, even though the OB who delivered Haley noted that it was "normal." Cindy informed me later that if a baby were to implant on the small side, it likely wouldn't survive...the baby wouldn't have enough room to grow and I would have a stillborn, possibly never knowing the cause. As I just googled this word "bicornuate" for its spelling, I stumbled on my first piece of research. It states, "Several studies show that women with a bicornuate uterus have about a 60% success rate in delivering a living child." I have carried to full term and delivered TWO perfectly healthy babies! With the exception of breech presentation, these babies had zero complications either inside or outside the womb. All praise to my God for the life of these children! Yes, He is Jehovah Rapha, the Lord who heals!

"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
A few short weeks ago, I thought the desire of my heart was to experience a pain free, supernatural childbirth. My sweet Jesus knows me better. He knew that the desire of my heart was for Him to be glorified and for me to bring home a perfect, healthy baby boy.

A few weeks before Jake was born I had a few quiet moments with my Jesus. He said, "I know this man. He will do great things for me." His use of the word "man" caught me off guard. Jake wasn't a man. He was a baby. A "boy" at most, but Abba saw him as a man. "'For I know the plans that I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11 So you see, Abba already has plans for my son...beginning with the day he was born. He will be able to go through his life knowing that God saved his life on day 1. His life has a purpose. I'm just honored to be able to watch it all play out.

At the end of the day, I did not get to experience the supernatural birth I so desperately wanted. About a week before he was born, I surrendered in the quiet places of my spirit, I will trust you. I didn't dare say it outloud, but it was enough to save my son. Thank you Jesus, for knowing what is best for me, better than I do. Thank you for seeing the bigger picture when my vision gets so narrow. Thank you for protecting my son and for the gift that he and Haley are. Their simple existence is proof enough that YOU ARE GOD!!

The making of our miracle - Part 1

From our early dating days in high school, Toby and I knew we wanted to have a big family. In my mind's eye, our children would be about 2 years apart. When Haley was a bit over a year old the window came and went for our next baby to be conceived. God stopped us in our tracks and moved us to Mobile where we were finally in a position to start trying for another baby. In the early morning hours of Toby's birthday, we were thrilled to learn that sweet Jake was on his way. This would put him just under three years behind Haley...good enough for me!

Haley was delivered by C-section due to her breech position and my preeclamsia. The recovery from that experience was horrific and I wanted to do everything in my power to avoid it this time. I started doing research on VBACs (vaginal birth after cesarean) and concluded that I was a great candidate. We discussed this at length with my OB during our first prenatal visit, and compromised that I could try for a VBAC as long as I did so under her terms - no laboring at home, immediate epidural upon my arrival at the hospital, and constant internal fetal monitoring. At the time I had hoped for a natural delivery. My OB said that was out of the question, and since I didn't know much about the VBAC world and its risks, I agreed.

Despite some minor setbacks on my end, the pregnancy moved forward with no problems. I began to research and speak with other moms about the possibility of VBAC and my understanding began to change. Not only was a natural VBAC a reasonable option, it was the best option for me. I took a trip back to Tennessee to visit some friends and had a long, God-ordained, chat with Candice, a seasoned mom. She had a c-section and 3 successful VBACs 15 years ago! Each VBAC delivery had been different regarding the level of medical intervention, and the last one was natural. She stated that without a doubt, it was the best experience. My heart began to get heavy over this issue and when I brought it up again with my OB, she had nothing but scare tactics to say to me. With Candice's experiences in the back of my mind, I eventually worked up the courage to look for another OB.

God put several women in my path that led me to a midwife who had performed many successful VBACs recently, one being a good friend from my MOPS group. The idea of a midwife was new to me and a little scary, but since I had zero luck finding another OB who would willingly consider a natural VBAC, I thought she was my best bet. This midwife, Cindy, came highly recommended by two moms who had used her. They boasted that she will pray for you and read scripture over you as you labor. I was blown away...I had to meet her! So, at 30 weeks we changed care providers and started down an eventful path.

About this time, a friend introduced me to a book called Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize. It was a fast read and I devoured it in three days. It tells the story of a mom who had been told she would not be able to conceive or carry a child. Her husband challenged the doctor's diagnosis and believed in faith that they would have biological children. God gave them four babies. The last three were born without pain medication and without pain. The idea seemed crazy to me, but something in my spirit was interested.

Within days of reading this book, an old friend came back into my life. Mindy and I waited tables together in college, and with the exception of one email several years ago, I hadn't spoken to her in seven years. In that one random email, she briefly mentioned that she had delivered her daughter naturally and without pain. She and her husband had believed God for this gift and He had granted it to them. At the time I had no idea what to make it this, so I thought it weird and forgot about it. But now in the wake of reading this book, I was curious about her experience. I contacted her and we set up a phone date where she shared her experiences and how God had indeed given her two babies without pain medication and without pain. Granted there were a few hiccups along the way, but none the less, God had been glorified in her deliveries!

After Toby and I had read the book and I had talked with Mindy, we started praying about this crazy idea of pain free natural childbirth. The more time went on, the more convinced I was that this was a miracle for me. If He could do it for Jackie and He could do it for Mindy, then He could do it for me! I could deliver my son naturally and without pain. My excitement grew with each passing day and I couldn't wait to experience the incredible miracle I had been praying for!

We continued to research natural childbirth with the understanding that knowledge is a great deterrent of fear. And fear is the root of most pain. The more we knew about this process and what to expect, the less we would be afraid of it, so we jumped in with both feet. We meet with the childbirth educator at another local hospital and had two private classes related to natural childbirth and VBACs. This time was such a gift. Not only did God give me another supportive person in Jaime, but she educated us on the physical aspects of how a pain free delivery was medically possible and a reasonable expectation. She explained how the human body produces its own pain killers, stronger than anything cooked up in a vile, and how to use the birth process in your favor to eliminate pain and stress. This was the missing link we wanted. Jackie's book was awesome in teaching us about the spiritual aspect of childbirth, but Jaime tied it together and confirmed our hopes with physical, medical information.

As part of our preparation for our supernatural birth, I spent hours in the Word studying scriptures on pain, fear, miracles, children, childbirth...anything that might relate. I wrote them out with the plan of Toby reading these scriptures over me during labor. I compiled a playlist of praise and worship songs to keep me focused on my Abba's great love and power. We bought portable speakers to hook up to my iPhone to play our music and packed a bag of things we would need during labor.

Our first few check ups with our new midwife, Cindy, were routine. The only concern was that my baby boy was breech. Remember, Haley was breech also, and knowing how rare breech presentation is, I thought it highly unlikely to end up in that boat again by the time we made it to 40 weeks. We discussed the option of a version, manually turning him by pushing on my belly. However, this option was quickly ruled out due to my previous c-section. The risk of my previous incision rupturing was too great, so we dismissed that option.

At 36 weeks, Jake was still breech. I was heartbroken, to say the least. Almost one month before he arrived, I poured out my heart to you and so many of you were gracious enough to pray for us and share encouraging words. I just knew he was going to turn! Our childbirth educator, Jaime, told us that 10% of babies are breech at 35 weeks and only 3% were still breech at 40 weeks. We heard many stories of babies turning during week 39 or even at the last minute, while being prepped for a c-section. I clung to these statistics.

I did everything in my power to help our baby turn. I did my funky, stand on my head exercises. I spent hours on end in the pool, both my sister's legitimate underground pool and our backyard blow up pool. Cindy referred me to a chiropractor who also shared encouraging statistics. The Webster's technique that they used had an 80% success rate and this specific practice boasted a great statistic of only two babies in ten years not turning. That was enough to encourage me to make the 90 minute round trip drive several times each week. Chiropractic medicine was completely new and foreign to me, but God granted me yet another beautiful lover of Jesus for my support team. Dr. Renee was not only kind and encouraging, but she had actually had a supernatural delivery herself! I was amazed at the people God was putting in my path. I was confident God was going to grant me this miracle. My son was going to turn, likely at the last minute, and then He would give me an amazing, pain free childbirth. I couldn't wait to boast His glory!

In the weeks before his delivery, the knowledge of Jake being breech became all consuming. In the stillness of the night, I would convince myself that he was turning and God had awakened me just in time to witness it. I would lie awake for hours before allowing myself to go back to sleep. But morning after morning, I would wake with his head just under my rib cage. I had so many people praying for our miracle and so many encouraging notes and chats. I was on a roller coaster. Some days I was 100% convinced that this was going to happen. I mean, this is how God designed my body to work...why wouldn't He grant it? That had to be His will...natural delivery. Right? Then I would have days of doubt. Depression would sneak in. What if He didn't grant me this prayer? Why wouldn't He? What does that say about Him? Would He withhold this miracle because of my doubts? Would I be able to trust Him afterwards if He didn't give it to me? All of these thoughts constantly plagued my mind, but I didn't dare speak them aloud out of fear those words would damage my faith. And so the roller coaster continued...

During one of those late nights I had just awakened from a dream. In this dream, I saw Jake in my womb...with his cord around his neck. It was clear that this is why he hadn't turned. Turning would tighten his cord and choke him. I woke up in terror! Was this a warning from Abba or was this a threat from Satan? I laid awake for hours debating what to make of this. When sweet Toby woke up to check on me, I shared my dream with him. We agreed that it was a scare tactic from Satan because we were being so aggressive in believing for our miracle. After all, fear doesn't come from my Jesus.

A few days later, Haley and I were running errands and the child who never naps passed out in her car seat. I randomly drove around town and waited in the Wal-Mart parking lot until she woke up. It was now too late to do my shopping so we headed home. During our short drive, I asked her our routine questions...Did you sleep well? Did you have good dreams? But this particular conversation took a different direction...
"Hey sweet girl. Did you have good dreams? What did you dream about."
"Yeah. You, Mommy."
"You dreamed about me? What was I doing?" I was flattered.
Mumble, mumble, mumble...something about Jesus.
"Jesus was there, too?"
"Yeah, He was."
"What were we doing?"
"Jesus was helping you sleep. Jesus is really sweet, Mommy."
I didn't know what to say. Then I heard just as clearly as if Haley were still speaking...I hear your prayers, Carey. And I hear your prayers for baby Jake, too. You have to trust me. You should know that one of the things I pray over Haley nearly every night is that Jesus will come to her in her sleep. That she will know His face and recognize His voice. I pray these things in my spirit as I check on her before we climb into bed and am not sure I had even told Toby about it. But now I knew, they had been answered. This was real...how else would Haley have known I'd been having trouble sleeping?

On several visits Cindy would push on Jake and he would shift a bit. She would say, "I feel like he'd go if we just encouraged him." But then she'd pull her hands back, "but I just can't. I'm not sure why, but I just can't." She explained that there were two reasons why he may not be turning. One, his cord is too short to allow for the shift, but there would be no way to see that on an ultrasound. Or two, my uterus was heart shaped with two chambers at the top and he was stuck in one of the chambers. Even so, I clung to my prayers and I begged all the more for my miracle. My God could overcome either of those obstacles.

As Jake's due date closed in, my emotions went up and down. My faith was strong one day and weak the next. All I knew was that I had poured my heart out for this miracle, for Jake to turn head down and to have a pain free delivery. I was convinced that he wouldn't turn until he was ready to come out. He's going to flip and I will immediately go into labor. I will have one of those amazing, last minute stories. Or would I?

The end of an era

Haley built a bear today for her baby brother.
When you squeeze his hand, you hear her sweet two year old voice yell, "I wuv you, Jake!!"

It occurred to me yesterday, that if I had volunteered to deliver Jackson via c-section due to his breech position, his birthday would have been yesterday. I could have been holding my new tiny baby yesterday morning. And yet, he's still tucked away inside...crazy!! With each passing day, the reality is sinking in that we will truly have two, TWO, precious children in our home in likely a matter of days. As exciting as that is, I'm finding myself in an unexpected state of grief...

For nearly three years, it's been just me and Toby and Haley. The last three years have been an adventure, to say the least. When Haley was nine weeks old, we packed up all my 4Runner could hold and moved to Tennessee...ridiculous, if you ask me now, but at the time it seemed like a good idea. We spent two wonderful months in a little furnished apartment in Knoxville. We didn't know a soul. We didn't have any obligations or busy schedules to attend to. Toby worked hard during the day, Haley and I would drive around town finding our way around. The evenings and weekends held nothing but sweet, uninterrupted family time. We spent 8 weeks simply loving on our new baby girl.

Around Christmas of that year we closed on our house, moved in and started making friends at our new church. The friendships that God blessed us with were incredible. In fact, there were about five babies born within six weeks of Haley in my mommy group. God knew I needed that circle of friends. Haley and I spent our days piddling around the house, grocery shopping, and visiting friends. She had her baby years in that house and each room is packed with memories.

Last summer God moved us back to Mobile and again it felt like it was just me and Haley against the world while Toby was at work during the day. We took trips to the park and worked diligently to make this house our home. So I guess I'm trying to say that Haley has kind of been my "best friend" over the last three years. Don't misunderstand, Toby will always, always be my best friend and know and understand me better than anyone else on this planet, but I feel like Haley's been my play buddy and now all of that is going to change once her little brother comes on the scene.

I can not wait to see his sweet face and share all of these memories and milestones with him as he grows. I know Haley will be a wonderful big sister and I'm excited to watch her interact with him and teach him all kinds of things. A whole new season of memories lie in wait.

As I've pondered the end of this era, our little family of three, I've taken special measures to freeze frame the moments. We have cuddled together and watched movies on the sofa. We've drawn pictures together and built towers with blocks. We pulled out the famous bean box that's been in hiding for months. We have baked goodies together...although she much prefers to splash in the sink while I do the cooking. We've had special time to just talk...mommy and Haley. Her little heart is so precious and she understands far more than I give her credit. Jesus, please protect her from any sense of jealousy or isolation related to Jake's arrival. Give me the patience, wisdom and energy to show extra love and affection toward Haley in the coming weeks. Seal their bond from the day he's born, so that they will be close from that day forward. Thank you for my sweet, precious babies and the new season we are entering. Help me to cherish each day and treasure each milestone.

For those of you who are curious...Jake is still breech, but we are still believing for a miracle. Three nights ago I sat on the couch and watched him almost turn all the way around. I KNOW he will do it, he's just not ready yet. My patience grows and my faith stretches with each passing day. I know we will have an amazing story to tell of God's goodness on the other side of this miracle!

A mid night encounter and a miracle in progress

As has become custom in the last few weeks, my eyes popped open at 2am this morning, my body exhausted but my mind wide awake. Running non stop through my head were a compilation of songs and scriptures of His pursuit of me..."He is jealous for me...Come back to me, my beloved...more numerous than the sands are Your thoughts toward me..." His pursuit is beautiful, it is endless, and it is worth giving in to...even at the cost of much needed sleep.

I talked with my Jesus for a while, and then begged for sleep to come. When it didn't I awakened enough to write these things in my journal...hoping this documentation would satisfy His longing to spend time with me, but to no avail...He had more to tell me. So as usual, I started asking "Where do you want me to read?" The Psalms are always a good place for me to start during an encounter like this. Being so many to choose from, chapter 1 sounded promising. "But his delight is in the law of the Lord, And in His law he meditates day and night...And in whatever he does, he prospers." Psalm 1:2-3 So this is me, I want to prosper in all that I do and meditate on His word day and night. Well, we've got the night part covered for now. As I read these few verses over and over, I heard the echo of "130." Out of curiosity I scrolled to Psalm 130 on my iPhone...yep, that's the one...

"Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord. Lord, hear my voice! Let Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications." v.1-2
Our greatest prayer in the past few weeks has been for our new son, Jake, set to arrive any time now. As was the case with my first pregnancy, we received news about 10 days ago that Jake is breech...crushing my dreams of an amazing vaginal delivery. We have indeed cried out and many of our friends and family, including many of you, have lifted him up in prayer in the last few weeks. Through this and other trials recently, God has pasted a scripture on our hearts (and bathroom mirror and kitchen sink)..."Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Phil 4:6. This word "supplication" was new to me and I have asked Abba to show me what it means...prayer, request, beg. That was it...beg. If this is truly a great desire, then I will not casually request, but I will beg, without hesitation. Now here it is again in Psalm 130...He hears my begging and He wants me to bear my heart to Him.

"If You, Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with You, That You may be feared." v.3-4
For the briefest time, I listened to Satan's lie that Abba had not yet answered my prayer to turn my breech baby because my faith was not strong enough and because my works proved too little and unworthy of such a miracle. Here, You tell me that it's not about those things. I will not receive what I deserve based on my works. My God is abundant in grace and mercy and finds joy in bringing me into His family and blessing me, even when my works deserve eternal condemnation. Abba, I still do not understand this great love, but I am forever grateful!

"I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, and in His word do I hope." v.4
Oh dear, do we know something about waiting! During our six month journey from Knoxville to Mobile, "wait" seemed to be a constant, recurring theme. God taught us so much during that season, including the value of waiting on His timing. It's funny that this would come up again so soon. Without any prompting from me, I had a friend send me a message lately. She had been praying for us and for Jake and the Lord gave her a verse for us..."Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." Ps 27:14 This is one of the verses we were parked on for six months. This Hebrew word "wait" means to bind together by twisting; patiently, tarry, to expect. Toby and I have committed to bind ourselves to Him and trust in His word and believe for our miracle and amazing birth! I've had many days of doubt and regret that I've entertained the idea of Nevermind, let's just schedule a c-section and be done with it. But somewhere in my gut, I've known for many, many months that God is going to give us the amazing birth I've prayed for, and He will do it in a way that brings Him ALL the glory...up to and including turning my breech baby at just the last minute. And so, for His glory I will wait.

"My soul waits for the Lord more than the watchmen for the morning; Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning." v.6
This is almost comical to me. As I've mentioned many times before, sleep is my best friend. Outside of pregnancy and tiny babies, it is next to impossible to rouse me from a good slumber. It's simply one of the greatest joys I have on this earth, and I don't sacrifice it for much. But for my Jesus, I will (sometimes gladly) surrender it. So I want this, this miracle and miraculous birth and sweet words from my Jesus, more than I want my precious sleep. Proof...I'm typing this at 4:45am...a miracle in itself.

But also on this note, my many mid night wakings lately have led to crazy thoughts. You know that place half way between awake and asleep. You know you're not asleep, but you realize later that you weren't thinking quite straight. That's where I've been most nights between 2 and 4 am over the last few weeks. I will wake up to Jake's playtime and somehow convince myself that he's turned. Perhaps if I don't move, he'll stay that way. But inevitably I have to pee and as soon as I stand and come to consciousness I feel his little head just under my ribcage and my hopes fall flat. So I have strangly come to look forward to these wakings in some hope that maybe, just maybe this will be the night that he turns, and if I stay in just the right position then he won't move again. I told you, not quite thinking straight. But as I was reading and chatting with my Jesus tonight, I began to have these same, familiar thoughts again. I started to dismiss it as false hope, just as I felt a kick at the TOP of my belly! Of course, fearful of moving I laid there for a long while paying close attention to his movements and trying desperately to decipher an arm from a leg from a knee. My hope grew as Abba reminded me that Jake has been spending less and less time with his head in my ribcage over the last few days. Now, where he has been, I'm not sure...but it's not with his head up straight. So I will continue to hold on to this prayer and wait for His timing of our miracle!

"O Israel, hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is lovingkindness, and with Him is abundant redemption. And He will redeem Israel from all his iniquities." v.7-8
Such irony...this hope means to wait patiently. Lovingkindness includes so many things...mercy, beauty, favor. And He not only offers redemption, but He offers it abundantly! What wonderful news! Abba, I will chose to wait patiently for ALL that You have for me. I will claim Your mercy and beauty and favor over my life and I will continue to believe for our miracle...down to the moment of delivery if necessary. Please give Toby and me an increased measure of faith to walk this out over the next few weeks and give us opportunities to shout Your glories and Your lovingkindness to all who will listen on the other side of this miracle!


*Note, my name truly is Carey, but I have changed the names of my husband and children for their privacy. I apologize for any confusion to those who know us personally.