As has become custom in the last few weeks, my eyes popped open at 2am this morning, my body exhausted but my mind wide awake. Running non stop through my head were a compilation of songs and scriptures of His pursuit of me..."He is jealous for me...Come back to me, my beloved...more numerous than the sands are Your thoughts toward me..." His pursuit is beautiful, it is endless, and it is worth giving in to...even at the cost of much needed sleep.
I talked with my Jesus for a while, and then begged for sleep to come. When it didn't I awakened enough to write these things in my journal...hoping this documentation would satisfy His longing to spend time with me, but to no avail...He had more to tell me. So as usual, I started asking "Where do you want me to read?" The Psalms are always a good place for me to start during an encounter like this. Being so many to choose from, chapter 1 sounded promising. "But his delight is in the law of the Lord, And in His law he meditates day and night...And in whatever he does, he prospers." Psalm 1:2-3 So this is me, I want to prosper in all that I do and meditate on His word day and night. Well, we've got the night part covered for now. As I read these few verses over and over, I heard the echo of "130." Out of curiosity I scrolled to Psalm 130 on my iPhone...yep, that's the one...
"Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord. Lord, hear my voice! Let Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications." v.1-2
Our greatest prayer in the past few weeks has been for our new son, Jake, set to arrive any time now. As was the case with my first pregnancy, we received news about 10 days ago that Jake is breech...crushing my dreams of an amazing vaginal delivery. We have indeed cried out and many of our friends and family, including many of you, have lifted him up in prayer in the last few weeks. Through this and other trials recently, God has pasted a scripture on our hearts (and bathroom mirror and kitchen sink)..."Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Phil 4:6. This word "supplication" was new to me and I have asked Abba to show me what it means...prayer, request, beg. That was it...beg. If this is truly a great desire, then I will not casually request, but I will beg, without hesitation. Now here it is again in Psalm 130...He hears my begging and He wants me to bear my heart to Him.
"If You, Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with You, That You may be feared." v.3-4
For the briefest time, I listened to Satan's lie that Abba had not yet answered my prayer to turn my breech baby because my faith was not strong enough and because my works proved too little and unworthy of such a miracle. Here, You tell me that it's not about those things. I will not receive what I deserve based on my works. My God is abundant in grace and mercy and finds joy in bringing me into His family and blessing me, even when my works deserve eternal condemnation. Abba, I still do not understand this great love, but I am forever grateful!
"I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, and in His word do I hope." v.4
Oh dear, do we know something about waiting! During our six month journey from Knoxville to Mobile, "wait" seemed to be a constant, recurring theme. God taught us so much during that season, including the value of waiting on His timing. It's funny that this would come up again so soon. Without any prompting from me, I had a friend send me a message lately. She had been praying for us and for Jake and the Lord gave her a verse for us..."Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." Ps 27:14 This is one of the verses we were parked on for six months. This Hebrew word "wait" means to bind together by twisting; patiently, tarry, to expect. Toby and I have committed to bind ourselves to Him and trust in His word and believe for our miracle and amazing birth! I've had many days of doubt and regret that I've entertained the idea of Nevermind, let's just schedule a c-section and be done with it. But somewhere in my gut, I've known for many, many months that God is going to give us the amazing birth I've prayed for, and He will do it in a way that brings Him ALL the glory...up to and including turning my breech baby at just the last minute. And so, for His glory I will wait.
"My soul waits for the Lord more than the watchmen for the morning; Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning." v.6
This is almost comical to me. As I've mentioned many times before, sleep is my best friend. Outside of pregnancy and tiny babies, it is next to impossible to rouse me from a good slumber. It's simply one of the greatest joys I have on this earth, and I don't sacrifice it for much. But for my Jesus, I will (sometimes gladly) surrender it. So I want this, this miracle and miraculous birth and sweet words from my Jesus, more than I want my precious sleep. Proof...I'm typing this at 4:45am...a miracle in itself.
But also on this note, my many mid night wakings lately have led to crazy thoughts. You know that place half way between awake and asleep. You know you're not asleep, but you realize later that you weren't thinking quite straight. That's where I've been most nights between 2 and 4 am over the last few weeks. I will wake up to Jake's playtime and somehow convince myself that he's turned. Perhaps if I don't move, he'll stay that way. But inevitably I have to pee and as soon as I stand and come to consciousness I feel his little head just under my ribcage and my hopes fall flat. So I have strangly come to look forward to these wakings in some hope that maybe, just maybe this will be the night that he turns, and if I stay in just the right position then he won't move again. I told you, not quite thinking straight. But as I was reading and chatting with my Jesus tonight, I began to have these same, familiar thoughts again. I started to dismiss it as false hope, just as I felt a kick at the TOP of my belly! Of course, fearful of moving I laid there for a long while paying close attention to his movements and trying desperately to decipher an arm from a leg from a knee. My hope grew as Abba reminded me that Jake has been spending less and less time with his head in my ribcage over the last few days. Now, where he has been, I'm not sure...but it's not with his head up straight. So I will continue to hold on to this prayer and wait for His timing of our miracle!
"O Israel, hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is lovingkindness, and with Him is abundant redemption. And He will redeem Israel from all his iniquities." v.7-8
Such irony...this hope means to wait patiently. Lovingkindness includes so many things...mercy, beauty, favor. And He not only offers redemption, but He offers it abundantly! What wonderful news! Abba, I will chose to wait patiently for ALL that You have for me. I will claim Your mercy and beauty and favor over my life and I will continue to believe for our miracle...down to the moment of delivery if necessary. Please give Toby and me an increased measure of faith to walk this out over the next few weeks and give us opportunities to shout Your glories and Your lovingkindness to all who will listen on the other side of this miracle!
*Note, my name truly is Carey, but I have changed the names of my husband and children for their privacy. I apologize for any confusion to those who know us personally.
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