Waiting is the hardest part

May 2009...The recruiter had reported that no one was hiring in Mobile. He'd called all of his contacts and there simply were no engineering jobs to be had. Strangely, this wall started to wear on Toby's confidence. Even though he was very well qualified for nearly any job available, the lack of options was hard to accept. However, the internship opportunity turned into a meeting with the executive pastor, so we eagerly loaded up and headed south. While we were in town we planned to install blinds and paint the kitchen and Haley's room. I was shocked at how far that work took the flip house from being some vacant property to our home. Suddenly I could visualize us living here and raising our family here.

Toby was scheduled to meet with the executive pastor on Sunday and on the Friday before he received a call from the recruiter while we painted. There was an opening for a job in Pensacola and they were eager to meet him. This was thrilling news and a huge boost for Toby. Although it would mean a two hour commute each day, it was a job that would support us and something in us just couldn't let that idea go.

Toby's meeting with the executive pastor went wonderfully. He left there very encouraged about the opportunity. He would serve in and be exposed to many different areas of ministry and gain valuable experience. He left the meeting having heard, "the job's yours if you want it." The only downside was that it was a 20/hr a week job earning minimum wage. Hmm...that's not quite going to cut it. We would need additional income from somewhere and the logical answer was for me to return to work as an accountant. Knowing the Pensacola company wanted an interview, we asked for a month to pray and think things through and the pastor graciously obliged. So we waited...

We waited nearly a month before the promised interview in Pensacola rolled around. In the meantime I approached my former CPA firm about the possibility of returning part time. Because I'd left on such great terms when Haley was born, I arrogantly assumed I could go back whenever I wanted. None the less we continued to pray for God to close doors He didn't want us walking through. After a week of waiting and a partners meeting, I received word that the firm simply didn't have enough work to hire on any additional staff at the time. A strange sense of peace came over me during that phone call. That's a pretty firmly closed door and so there's really nothing to say but accept the closed door and wait for God's explanation.

So we continued to wait...some times more patiently than others...

This was probably the hardest part of this entire journey for me. Being a "type A" planner, I really need to know what we're getting into and how to prepare for it. But God just doesn't seem to work on my schedule sometimes. Go figure? There were so many days that I felt like we had waited so long and had come so far, yet we really didn't know any more than we did on day 1. People would excitedly ask us how things were going and what was happening, and often I was embarrassed to say, "Nothing new...still waiting." On several occasions I would have breakdowns about how all of this was going to turn out. I honestly didn't care what He asked us to do for a living (engineering, internship, accounting, or waiting tables), I just wanted to fast forward six months to where everything was laid out and we were settled in our new life. I was tired of not knowing how to plan and prepare. I felt helpless and without any answers. I know now, at the end of this season, that there was a purpose to the waiting and He had a lot He still wanted me to learn before the "big reveal". During that time, He gave me several verses to cling to...

"Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; For You I wait all the day" Psalm 25:5

"Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, For I wait for You." Psalm 25:21

"Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

This word, wait, is "qavah" in Hebrew and it means to bind together by twisting, patiently, tarry, to expect. I think my heart is best expressed in an excerpt from my journal: "As we wait for answers, I want to bind myself to You. I want to be patient and not jump ahead of Your timing, and I want to be expectant for what amazing thing You are working on. Help me to remember and understand that You do not operate on this world's time table and Your ways are not my ways - they are higher and they are far better."

In the end, I know there was a purpose for the waiting. Toby and I both had to be willing, truly willing in the depths of our gut, to do whatever God asked us to do and with a smile on our faces. Even if it meant skimping by on minimum wage. Once we came to that place of total surrender, He lowered His hands to say, "Now, let me show you what I want to give you..."