A new understanding

I grew up in church and constantly sang "Jesus loves me" and the like as a child, but I know now that I didn't really get it back then. I knew that God loved me, kind of like my mom and dad loved me...that was my first problem. I have wonderful parents that love me to the nth degree, but I know now that nobody, not my husband, my parents or my children could possibly love me like Jesus loves me.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I had put God in a box. I'd heard lots of sermons about not "putting God in a box" but it never occurred to me that I had. I felt like since I'd let Him do whatever He wanted with my life (within reason, of course) that I hadn't boxed Him in. What I hadn't realized was that I had "boxed in" my understanding of who He is. Some people have this "bug zapper" mentality of God. He's up there on His big throne just waiting for me to mess up, and then I'll get it! I never thought that way..."Jesus loves me this I know," remember? My idea was a half truth. I fully believed that God's way was best and I was happy to follow that because that way was also easier and much less stressful. For example, "don't have sex outside of marriage"...ok then, I don't want some nasty STD or unwanted pregnancy anyway. "Don't drink under age"...well, it's illegal and I'd rather not end up in jail, or make a complete fool of myself. "Be kind to others"...I get that too, I'd like people to be nice to me, so I might as well be nice first. Simply put, "God's way" just took a lot of unnecessary drama out of life, and I'm perfectly happy going along life's path without ruffling anyone's feathers. I figured, He's the big guy, He can see the big picture, and since He made the world and all, He probably knows best how to weave through this life, so I might as well take Him up on His advice.

I'm sad to say I taught youth and adult small groups from this perspective. Since I hadn't studied the Bible much on my own, I often wouldn't know the Biblical answer to someone's question, so I'd offer them some "advice" from my own theology. It sounded good and was working well for me, so it must be truth, right?

So this is where I was at the womens retreat. I was going about my business, following the rules and being nice to everyone, but in the deepest part of my gut I wondered if there was something more to this. At the time I would have never even considered voicing these thoughts, even to Toby. It's something I kept just to myself. The women I saw and the teaching I heard at the retreat is what set me on a new path. These women had what I was looking for. It was written all over their faces. Over the course of the retreat, the speaker paralleled Jesus and His second coming to Jewish wedding traditions. Ancient Jewish weddings would often include a ketubah, a written document which would stipulate the bride-price and include a promise to return at the end of the engagement period for his bride. My groom, Jesus, came to our earth for me, paid the ultimate bride-price of His life and left His Word (the Bible) as His ketubah in promise of His return. As a bride would cling to her groom's ketubah, study it and anxiously await his return, I suddenly wanted to know what my ketubah said. I had read my Bible, more out of obligation, guilt and box checking, but now was different. This was my groom's love letter to me and I had to know what it said!

After the retreat I journaled and I read and Jesus slowly began changing my understanding of Him. First, He helped me to see how I had limited Him and labeled Him. Then He started to show me truths about who He really is. I now approach all scripture with two filters, God is good (Ps 119:68) and God loves me (1 John 4:8). If I ever read something contrary to these two basic facts, I read it again, and again, and again if I have to until the Holy Spirit shows me the truth. Otherwise my understanding is coming from man and misunderstandings I had been taught before.

Now, "God loves me" how is that different now? It's TOTALLY different now! Before I thought God thinks I'm doing pretty good at following His rules, so He'll hang around...at least until I mess up really big. Now I know that He made me specifically because He wants to spend time with me! ME! Boring, little me! He gets so excited, like a spastic birthday kid, when I choose to spend time with Him! He dances over me, He sings over me (Zeph 3:17), and He's even goofy with me. Since He made me, He knows all about me. He knows all of my history, my baggage, my dreams. He knows my family and all of their baggage. He knows when I get my feelings hurt and why it hurts. I don't have to explain anything. As much as I love Toby, I still have to explain what happened, how I feel about it, how I wish it were different, etc etc and then he's still not going to really get it because he sees life through his worldview, not mine. Jesus is different. I don't have to explain anything...He already knows it all. This understanding alone has taken so much weight off of our marriage. Toby will never be able to meet my deepest needs and desires, he's just a man. His job is to simply be my best friend and go through life with me.

Jesus adores me, and He adores you too. If you will put just a little bit of effort to get to know the real God, He will show you just how amazing He thinks you are!