Resolutions...resolved

I can hardly believe that 2011 has come to a close. It's been a whirlwind of a year with so many highlights for our family. Of course, our greatest blessing is the addition of our perfect baby boy and our Haley has transformed from adorable toddler to sweet little girl. My cup runneth over.

I'm usually not one to make resolutions with the new year, but I've been dwelling on this today. I guess I did have a goal to learn to sew this year. After thinking more about it, I think it's really been a desire to be more crafty all around. I'm excited to say, that I think I've achieved this! As I've told you before, I'm a CPA by trade and embody every one of the stereotypes that go along with that profession...I love lists, folders, order, and Excel, and often have a hard time thinking outside the box. Well, until this year. Jesus has been teaching me that I can do all things and that I'm not destined to be defined as left brained. So I put my mind to it, took some great inspiration from Pinterest and here's some of the things I've come up with...

Jake's nursery including framing Toby's rugby jerseys, painting and
recovering the toy box, and sewing the window treatments

Haley's Wilma Flintstone halloween costume

blue jean quilt

Painting - will hang over our TV to guide our entertainment choices

kids' footprint flower pots for Christmas presents

fingerprint dragonfly flower pot for Christmas present

Thank you, Jesus, for teaching me that I can be creative. I've loved the journey and look forward to another year of creative projects.

Not long after Jake was born I started focusing on another "resolution"...a prayer, really. I was having a really hard time working my day around Jesus and managing all of the day to day responsibilities that fell on my shoulders. My prayer became for Jesus to show me how to give Him an uninterrupted chunk of time when I was sleep deprived, tending the needs of a newborn and educating and entertaining a non-napping three year old. And because He's so good and loves me so much, of course He showed me the way. There are still plenty of days that slip by, filled to the brim with activity, but I've been able to work in sweet time with my Jesus on most days. I long for afternoon nap time. After Jake goes down for his snooze, Haley has about an hour of "quiet time" in her room, leaving me free to get lost with my Jesus. It's not perfect, and sometimes I miss it, but slowly He's guiding my day. I've found that on the days when I'm faithful to use my hour window to focus on Jesus, rather than the waiting dishwasher and piles of laundry, not only is He faithful to meet me there, but He is teaching me with greater revelation and clarity. He is reminding me that if I will make the effort to draw near to Him, He will always draw closer to me. (James 4:8)

So there's a glimpse at my year. My goals for 2012 are still up in the air, but here's what I have so far: to continue to pursue Jesus...to become even closer, to hear His voice more clearly, to memorize more of His words, to focus on Him more easily, and to teach my precious Haley the same. As a wife, I will pray for Toby more consistently and more earnestly...for protection over our marriage, for favor in his career, for wisdom, strength and guidance as he leads our family. As a mom, I will strive to devote my undivided attention to my children on a daily basis and to keep my household responsibilities in perspective. As a friend, I will work to put others first and to keep my schedule free to spend time encouraging and investing in others.

I pray that you have had a full and wonderful year in 2011 and may 2012 be full of incredible blessings!

I am in love

So first, many apologies for my near six month absence, but I can tell you that God is still good and I have lots to share with you.

We have been enjoying our little man and our new family dynamic of four. I must admit, the adjustment into a mom of two little ones took longer than I expected. Now that Jake is pushing 6 months, I think we've finally found our rhythm.


My little man has been such a sweet gift. I am blown a way, and a bit sad, that so many milestones have already come and gone. Jake has the sweetest spirit. He is content with nearly any situation and rarely fusses. He is finally entertaining the idea of food and today his first tooth broke the surface. He's working hard on sitting up and squirming and rolling desperately across the floor. It won't be long before he's off and running. He adores his big sister and could watch her endless singing and dancing for hours. The bond they share amazes me...it started before he was even born. He would often shift in the womb at the sound of Haley entering the room. I know their bond will always be tight. Before he arrived, I didn't know what it would be like to share my love, attention and affections between two little ones. I have been amazed in these last six months that I haven't had to split my love at all, Jake simply opened a new corner of my heart...a corner reserved just for him. I had forgotten how easy it is to fall hopelessly in love with such a small, helpless little person. I am honored to be his mommy and am loving our days of watching him grow and learn.

One of my prayers for Haley before Jake was born was for her to be excited about her little brother and to not be jealous of him. So far, so good. She is enamored with her "baby." She loves to help with him, entertain him and teach him how to play with his toys. She has never expressed any envy or ill will against him. From the day he entered our lives, she has been nothing but excited about him. She has taken on her new role of big sister like a pro, and I couldn't have asked for anything more. Like the rest of us, she is anxious to teach him about life, although I'm sure her perspective will be special indeed.

My sweet Toby has been such a rock...my hero. I am thrilled for him to have a son, and as a bonus Jake is Toby's little clone. When sitting in his daddy's lap, the resemblance is uncanny. But when you look at Toby's baby pictures, you can barely tell them apart. Toby is so proud of his son, and so helpful in every way. There is nothing I love more than watching my sweet babies adore their daddy. I am truly one blessed woman. The gifts God has given me in these three people are beyond what I ever imagined.

Stick with me over the next few days as I hope to update you on the last six months. I pray you each had a wonderful Christmas celebration and have been able to enjoy priceless family time throughout this holiday season.

The making of our miracle - Part 2

If you haven't had a chance to read the background, please take a minute to do so by clicking here. I want you to see the full scope of how amazing my God is!

Tuesday, June 28: Toby came to me this evening and mentioned that he felt like he should fast for Jake to turn. I had a similar inkling the previous Sunday, but didn't mention it to him. I agreed that would be a good idea. Obviously, being nine months pregnant, fasting food was not wise for me, but after some prayer Jesus led me to fast Facebook. It seems silly, I know, but instead of absent-mindedly reading other people's posts throughout the day, I would use that time to pray for my son. For Toby, the idea was similar. Instead of snacking throughout the day or taking a lunch break, he took that time to pray and read scripture. I had been on a roller coaster emotionally and spiritually, so for those days I clung to this scripture, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you. But this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting." Matt 17:20-21 Being days away from my due date and my son had made little effort to turn head down, I felt this to be a mountain. And so we fasted and prayed for Tuesday and Wednesday and by Wednesday evening, God had broken through.

As Toby and I laid in the bed Wednesday night, we were praying for Jake as usual but Toby threw in a new twist..."God we will submit to Your will. We will trust You, even if this delivery doesn't turn out like we want." In the natural, I agreed, not wanting to explain my heart to Toby. In my spirit, I was angry. NOOO, THIS is what we have prayed for. I will not entertain an alternative. I will not allow those words, spoken aloud, to damage my faith! Despite my anger, I had to entertain the idea...What if God's will is different than mine? How could that be? Why wouldn't He want me to deliver my children naturally? I don't want to be angry with God on the other side of this birth.

Tuesday, July 5, 11:51pm: I woke up with a strong pain in my pelvis. I was convinced that Jake had finally settled down in my pelvis. The way he had been laying the past few weeks had given me so much hope in that he had not settled down into my pelvis yet, so he was still free to turn. Now, that hope was gone. I got up and went to the restroom and came back to bed and did my hang upside down exercises in hopes of getting him back out. After 4 or 5 minutes I gave up and laid back down. A few minutes later, it was back...sharp pressure. C'mon Jake, please move so I can go back to sleep. After about a minute it went away and I started to get comfortable again. Wait! Could it be? Uhhh...I don't know!?! I never went into labor with Haley, so I had never experienced contractions with her. Is this it? The last two "pains" had been about 10 minutes apart, so I laid there and waited. I didn't want to wake up Toby yet out of fear of panic on his end and false alarm on mine. So I pulled up my Contraction Master app on my iPhone (crazy, I know) and waited. About 10 minutes later, there it was again. I took deep breaths through it for about a minute until it passed. While the contractions were intense, they didn't hurt. It was a crazy feeling. I knew this was it, but it was nothing like Hollywood portrays natural childbirth. We had researched and prayed about this experience...we were believing for a pain free labor and at this point it seemed like we were getting it!

After an hour of this my contractions were about 8-9 minutes apart and lasting about 60 seconds each. This was it, it was time to wake up Toby. My midwife, Cindy, told me that if I were to go into labor and I knew Jake hadn't turned, that I shouldn't labor at home, but go ahead and come in to the hospital. So I woke up Toby and we agreed it was time to call Cindy. I explained where we were and her words are still with me..."I'm so sorry, Carey." I knew exactly what she meant. I was going to have a c-section despite all of my desperate prayers and efforts. Delivering a breech baby vaginally with a previous c-section was risky. As much as I hated the idea, a section would be safer. After I got off the phone with Cindy, I mourned my dream for a few minutes with Toby until my sweet Jesus gave me peace in my heart about it and allowed me to focus on the task at hand. It was time to gather our things, head to the hospital and meet our son!

We checked into the hospital at exactly 3am. They got me settled and hooked up to monitors and then Cindy walked in the room with an unexpected excitement. She said, "Ok, here's what we're going to do. We're going to prep you for the section, anesthesia and all, and then we'll see if the OB will do a version (manually turn him) in the operating room. If he turns, you can delivery him, if not then you'll be ready for the c-section." It sounded good to me. From what I could tell we didn't have anything to loose. Before she left, Cindy checked me and I was 4cm dilated, after only 3 hours of contractions. To be honest, I was a bit proud of that progress. From that point forward my contractions got dramatically closer together. Within an hour they were coming about a minute apart and getting even stronger. The amazing this is, they were completely bearable. They were strong and required my full attention, but I wouldn't describe them as painful. Cindy returned a bit later. Her excitement a little deflated..."He won't do it." And with that, my last hope was gone. We were headed to the operating room.

As I sat on the side of the table receiving my anesthesia, the reality came crashing down. For the brief moment I was allowed to look at Toby, all I could verbalize was, "I don't want this. It wasn't suppose to go like this." Toby was then instructed to sit on the other side of the room, out of my line of vision. Tears began to fall but I fought my grief to be deadly still as they were putting needles in my back. However, my tears hitting the floor concerned my nurse and anesthesiologist and they started to panic, "What's the matter? What's wrong? What hurts?" I couldn't speak. At this point my sweet Cindy was able to step in and explain, "most of it's just disappointment." Her presence in the operating room was a sweet gift from my Jesus.

The surgery began and before long one of the nurses told Toby, "You may want to stand up and look if you want to see them pull him out." She continued, "Remember, he's breech so they'll pull out his bottom first." Toby stood and peered over the drape blocking my view. He watched as they pulled him from my womb. At 5:02am, the surgeon pulled him up by his hips. His head and abdomen hanging down to reveal his cord wrapped, not once, but twice around his tiny neck. Toby asked the surgeon in disbelief, "Was his cord around his neck?" The surgeon quickly dismissed his question, waving his hand as if to say "Don't say that where she can hear you. It will upset her." I vaguely heard the question, but it took a few seconds for those words to sink in. I turned to Toby and said, "Was his cord around his neck?!?" His words were so gentle, "Yeah, it was." At that moment, we heard our tiny son release his first cry. It was absolutely the sweetest sound I had ever heard! In a moment, Abba revealed why He hadn't granted my plea. If Jake had turned head down in my womb, his wrapped cord and the demands of a vaginal labor would have likely choked him to death. To think that we could have so easily lost him...it was enough to do me in. I lost it there on the operating table. The reality was sinking in and my emotions overcame me...thanksgiving pouring out. The anger that I expected was nowhere to be found. I had nothing but shear awe and gratitude that my Jesus did not grant my prayers. Again, Cindy was a wonderful gift in being able to verbalize my emotional breakdown to the medical team.

Jake was examined, wrapped up, and brought to me for my first glance and snuggle. He was perfect. The most beautiful baby boy I'd ever seen. They finished my surgery and wheeled me into recovery. Cindy had taken charge of Jake so he was able to stay in the operating room with me and was allowed to go to the recovery room before making a trip to the nursery. I was able to nurse him there and he did beautifully...an answered prayer.

Hours before I went into labor, Toby pulled our prayer requests off the bathroom mirror. I had written them up weeks earlier and posted them in our bathroom and at my kitchen sink. These are the things we were asking God for:
Jake to be delivered on or before his due date, July 8 - He arrived on July 6.

Jake to turn head down, face down soon and stay down - I did everything in my power to make this happen, but my Jesus knew better.

Labor to begin on its own and to be as pain free as possible - My body began contracting at home and while they were strong, my contractions were not painful.

To know when to go to the hospital - Our phone call to Cindy was all the prompting we needed. We were able to take our time gathering the rest of our things, and have a light-hearted time as we headed to the hospital. We even joked with each other about the amount of stuff we hauled inside. We looked like we were ready for a European vacation.

Little to no medical interventions, including pain medication, episiodomy, c-section and pitocin - I had to surrender this one.

No complications concerning:
Carey's blood pressure - I had preeclamsia with Haley, but my BP stayed perfectly stable the entire time I was in the hospital.

Carey's asthma - There were no problems or concerns with this.

Jake's position or size - My perfect baby boy was 6 lb, 3 oz at birth.

Jake's heart rate - This is a common indicator of problems during a VBAC delivery. Since we didn't VBAC, it wasn't a major factor, but he was deemed healthy from the start.

Jake's breathing - There were no problems or concerns with this.

Uterine rupture - This is the major risk involved with a VBAC. My fear in multiple c-sections was excessive scar tissue from previous sections limiting the number of pregnancies I could carry. Just after this surgery began, the surgeon volunteered, "Wow, you have very little scar tissue." That knowledge was a sweet bonus from my Jesus.

No tearing or stitches needed - With the c-section, this became obsolete.

Jake to breastfeed quickly and easily - Thanks to Cindy, he was able to nurse during recovery, and he did wonderfully. He's done great ever since.

Carey to recover quickly with no postpartum complications - While a section recovery is always difficult, this one has been dramatically easier than Haley's recovery. Not only have I had no complications, but we were able to leave the hospital a day early.

Toby to have confidence and wisdom in all decision making - Toby was a rock through the entire process. Beginning when I woke him after my first hour of labor, he never panicked. He remained calm and light-hearted at all times and was always a rock for me.

So you see, outside of the c-section, Abba answered every one of my requests. Some even beyond what I had hoped for.

Cindy had mentioned weeks before that there were two possibilities for Jake not turning. First, a short cord, which turned out to be the case. Most of his cord was wrapped around his neck. Second, the possibility of a "heart shaped uterus." If Jake had grown up into one side, there would be a septum in the middle preventing him from turning. Because I now had carried two breech babies, Cindy asked the surgeon to look for this. After delivering Jake, the surgeon examined my uterus and concluded that I, indeed, had a bicornuate uterus, even though the OB who delivered Haley noted that it was "normal." Cindy informed me later that if a baby were to implant on the small side, it likely wouldn't survive...the baby wouldn't have enough room to grow and I would have a stillborn, possibly never knowing the cause. As I just googled this word "bicornuate" for its spelling, I stumbled on my first piece of research. It states, "Several studies show that women with a bicornuate uterus have about a 60% success rate in delivering a living child." I have carried to full term and delivered TWO perfectly healthy babies! With the exception of breech presentation, these babies had zero complications either inside or outside the womb. All praise to my God for the life of these children! Yes, He is Jehovah Rapha, the Lord who heals!

"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
A few short weeks ago, I thought the desire of my heart was to experience a pain free, supernatural childbirth. My sweet Jesus knows me better. He knew that the desire of my heart was for Him to be glorified and for me to bring home a perfect, healthy baby boy.

A few weeks before Jake was born I had a few quiet moments with my Jesus. He said, "I know this man. He will do great things for me." His use of the word "man" caught me off guard. Jake wasn't a man. He was a baby. A "boy" at most, but Abba saw him as a man. "'For I know the plans that I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11 So you see, Abba already has plans for my son...beginning with the day he was born. He will be able to go through his life knowing that God saved his life on day 1. His life has a purpose. I'm just honored to be able to watch it all play out.

At the end of the day, I did not get to experience the supernatural birth I so desperately wanted. About a week before he was born, I surrendered in the quiet places of my spirit, I will trust you. I didn't dare say it outloud, but it was enough to save my son. Thank you Jesus, for knowing what is best for me, better than I do. Thank you for seeing the bigger picture when my vision gets so narrow. Thank you for protecting my son and for the gift that he and Haley are. Their simple existence is proof enough that YOU ARE GOD!!

The making of our miracle - Part 1

From our early dating days in high school, Toby and I knew we wanted to have a big family. In my mind's eye, our children would be about 2 years apart. When Haley was a bit over a year old the window came and went for our next baby to be conceived. God stopped us in our tracks and moved us to Mobile where we were finally in a position to start trying for another baby. In the early morning hours of Toby's birthday, we were thrilled to learn that sweet Jake was on his way. This would put him just under three years behind Haley...good enough for me!

Haley was delivered by C-section due to her breech position and my preeclamsia. The recovery from that experience was horrific and I wanted to do everything in my power to avoid it this time. I started doing research on VBACs (vaginal birth after cesarean) and concluded that I was a great candidate. We discussed this at length with my OB during our first prenatal visit, and compromised that I could try for a VBAC as long as I did so under her terms - no laboring at home, immediate epidural upon my arrival at the hospital, and constant internal fetal monitoring. At the time I had hoped for a natural delivery. My OB said that was out of the question, and since I didn't know much about the VBAC world and its risks, I agreed.

Despite some minor setbacks on my end, the pregnancy moved forward with no problems. I began to research and speak with other moms about the possibility of VBAC and my understanding began to change. Not only was a natural VBAC a reasonable option, it was the best option for me. I took a trip back to Tennessee to visit some friends and had a long, God-ordained, chat with Candice, a seasoned mom. She had a c-section and 3 successful VBACs 15 years ago! Each VBAC delivery had been different regarding the level of medical intervention, and the last one was natural. She stated that without a doubt, it was the best experience. My heart began to get heavy over this issue and when I brought it up again with my OB, she had nothing but scare tactics to say to me. With Candice's experiences in the back of my mind, I eventually worked up the courage to look for another OB.

God put several women in my path that led me to a midwife who had performed many successful VBACs recently, one being a good friend from my MOPS group. The idea of a midwife was new to me and a little scary, but since I had zero luck finding another OB who would willingly consider a natural VBAC, I thought she was my best bet. This midwife, Cindy, came highly recommended by two moms who had used her. They boasted that she will pray for you and read scripture over you as you labor. I was blown away...I had to meet her! So, at 30 weeks we changed care providers and started down an eventful path.

About this time, a friend introduced me to a book called Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize. It was a fast read and I devoured it in three days. It tells the story of a mom who had been told she would not be able to conceive or carry a child. Her husband challenged the doctor's diagnosis and believed in faith that they would have biological children. God gave them four babies. The last three were born without pain medication and without pain. The idea seemed crazy to me, but something in my spirit was interested.

Within days of reading this book, an old friend came back into my life. Mindy and I waited tables together in college, and with the exception of one email several years ago, I hadn't spoken to her in seven years. In that one random email, she briefly mentioned that she had delivered her daughter naturally and without pain. She and her husband had believed God for this gift and He had granted it to them. At the time I had no idea what to make it this, so I thought it weird and forgot about it. But now in the wake of reading this book, I was curious about her experience. I contacted her and we set up a phone date where she shared her experiences and how God had indeed given her two babies without pain medication and without pain. Granted there were a few hiccups along the way, but none the less, God had been glorified in her deliveries!

After Toby and I had read the book and I had talked with Mindy, we started praying about this crazy idea of pain free natural childbirth. The more time went on, the more convinced I was that this was a miracle for me. If He could do it for Jackie and He could do it for Mindy, then He could do it for me! I could deliver my son naturally and without pain. My excitement grew with each passing day and I couldn't wait to experience the incredible miracle I had been praying for!

We continued to research natural childbirth with the understanding that knowledge is a great deterrent of fear. And fear is the root of most pain. The more we knew about this process and what to expect, the less we would be afraid of it, so we jumped in with both feet. We meet with the childbirth educator at another local hospital and had two private classes related to natural childbirth and VBACs. This time was such a gift. Not only did God give me another supportive person in Jaime, but she educated us on the physical aspects of how a pain free delivery was medically possible and a reasonable expectation. She explained how the human body produces its own pain killers, stronger than anything cooked up in a vile, and how to use the birth process in your favor to eliminate pain and stress. This was the missing link we wanted. Jackie's book was awesome in teaching us about the spiritual aspect of childbirth, but Jaime tied it together and confirmed our hopes with physical, medical information.

As part of our preparation for our supernatural birth, I spent hours in the Word studying scriptures on pain, fear, miracles, children, childbirth...anything that might relate. I wrote them out with the plan of Toby reading these scriptures over me during labor. I compiled a playlist of praise and worship songs to keep me focused on my Abba's great love and power. We bought portable speakers to hook up to my iPhone to play our music and packed a bag of things we would need during labor.

Our first few check ups with our new midwife, Cindy, were routine. The only concern was that my baby boy was breech. Remember, Haley was breech also, and knowing how rare breech presentation is, I thought it highly unlikely to end up in that boat again by the time we made it to 40 weeks. We discussed the option of a version, manually turning him by pushing on my belly. However, this option was quickly ruled out due to my previous c-section. The risk of my previous incision rupturing was too great, so we dismissed that option.

At 36 weeks, Jake was still breech. I was heartbroken, to say the least. Almost one month before he arrived, I poured out my heart to you and so many of you were gracious enough to pray for us and share encouraging words. I just knew he was going to turn! Our childbirth educator, Jaime, told us that 10% of babies are breech at 35 weeks and only 3% were still breech at 40 weeks. We heard many stories of babies turning during week 39 or even at the last minute, while being prepped for a c-section. I clung to these statistics.

I did everything in my power to help our baby turn. I did my funky, stand on my head exercises. I spent hours on end in the pool, both my sister's legitimate underground pool and our backyard blow up pool. Cindy referred me to a chiropractor who also shared encouraging statistics. The Webster's technique that they used had an 80% success rate and this specific practice boasted a great statistic of only two babies in ten years not turning. That was enough to encourage me to make the 90 minute round trip drive several times each week. Chiropractic medicine was completely new and foreign to me, but God granted me yet another beautiful lover of Jesus for my support team. Dr. Renee was not only kind and encouraging, but she had actually had a supernatural delivery herself! I was amazed at the people God was putting in my path. I was confident God was going to grant me this miracle. My son was going to turn, likely at the last minute, and then He would give me an amazing, pain free childbirth. I couldn't wait to boast His glory!

In the weeks before his delivery, the knowledge of Jake being breech became all consuming. In the stillness of the night, I would convince myself that he was turning and God had awakened me just in time to witness it. I would lie awake for hours before allowing myself to go back to sleep. But morning after morning, I would wake with his head just under my rib cage. I had so many people praying for our miracle and so many encouraging notes and chats. I was on a roller coaster. Some days I was 100% convinced that this was going to happen. I mean, this is how God designed my body to work...why wouldn't He grant it? That had to be His will...natural delivery. Right? Then I would have days of doubt. Depression would sneak in. What if He didn't grant me this prayer? Why wouldn't He? What does that say about Him? Would He withhold this miracle because of my doubts? Would I be able to trust Him afterwards if He didn't give it to me? All of these thoughts constantly plagued my mind, but I didn't dare speak them aloud out of fear those words would damage my faith. And so the roller coaster continued...

During one of those late nights I had just awakened from a dream. In this dream, I saw Jake in my womb...with his cord around his neck. It was clear that this is why he hadn't turned. Turning would tighten his cord and choke him. I woke up in terror! Was this a warning from Abba or was this a threat from Satan? I laid awake for hours debating what to make of this. When sweet Toby woke up to check on me, I shared my dream with him. We agreed that it was a scare tactic from Satan because we were being so aggressive in believing for our miracle. After all, fear doesn't come from my Jesus.

A few days later, Haley and I were running errands and the child who never naps passed out in her car seat. I randomly drove around town and waited in the Wal-Mart parking lot until she woke up. It was now too late to do my shopping so we headed home. During our short drive, I asked her our routine questions...Did you sleep well? Did you have good dreams? But this particular conversation took a different direction...
"Hey sweet girl. Did you have good dreams? What did you dream about."
"Yeah. You, Mommy."
"You dreamed about me? What was I doing?" I was flattered.
Mumble, mumble, mumble...something about Jesus.
"Jesus was there, too?"
"Yeah, He was."
"What were we doing?"
"Jesus was helping you sleep. Jesus is really sweet, Mommy."
I didn't know what to say. Then I heard just as clearly as if Haley were still speaking...I hear your prayers, Carey. And I hear your prayers for baby Jake, too. You have to trust me. You should know that one of the things I pray over Haley nearly every night is that Jesus will come to her in her sleep. That she will know His face and recognize His voice. I pray these things in my spirit as I check on her before we climb into bed and am not sure I had even told Toby about it. But now I knew, they had been answered. This was real...how else would Haley have known I'd been having trouble sleeping?

On several visits Cindy would push on Jake and he would shift a bit. She would say, "I feel like he'd go if we just encouraged him." But then she'd pull her hands back, "but I just can't. I'm not sure why, but I just can't." She explained that there were two reasons why he may not be turning. One, his cord is too short to allow for the shift, but there would be no way to see that on an ultrasound. Or two, my uterus was heart shaped with two chambers at the top and he was stuck in one of the chambers. Even so, I clung to my prayers and I begged all the more for my miracle. My God could overcome either of those obstacles.

As Jake's due date closed in, my emotions went up and down. My faith was strong one day and weak the next. All I knew was that I had poured my heart out for this miracle, for Jake to turn head down and to have a pain free delivery. I was convinced that he wouldn't turn until he was ready to come out. He's going to flip and I will immediately go into labor. I will have one of those amazing, last minute stories. Or would I?

The end of an era

Haley built a bear today for her baby brother.
When you squeeze his hand, you hear her sweet two year old voice yell, "I wuv you, Jake!!"

It occurred to me yesterday, that if I had volunteered to deliver Jackson via c-section due to his breech position, his birthday would have been yesterday. I could have been holding my new tiny baby yesterday morning. And yet, he's still tucked away inside...crazy!! With each passing day, the reality is sinking in that we will truly have two, TWO, precious children in our home in likely a matter of days. As exciting as that is, I'm finding myself in an unexpected state of grief...

For nearly three years, it's been just me and Toby and Haley. The last three years have been an adventure, to say the least. When Haley was nine weeks old, we packed up all my 4Runner could hold and moved to Tennessee...ridiculous, if you ask me now, but at the time it seemed like a good idea. We spent two wonderful months in a little furnished apartment in Knoxville. We didn't know a soul. We didn't have any obligations or busy schedules to attend to. Toby worked hard during the day, Haley and I would drive around town finding our way around. The evenings and weekends held nothing but sweet, uninterrupted family time. We spent 8 weeks simply loving on our new baby girl.

Around Christmas of that year we closed on our house, moved in and started making friends at our new church. The friendships that God blessed us with were incredible. In fact, there were about five babies born within six weeks of Haley in my mommy group. God knew I needed that circle of friends. Haley and I spent our days piddling around the house, grocery shopping, and visiting friends. She had her baby years in that house and each room is packed with memories.

Last summer God moved us back to Mobile and again it felt like it was just me and Haley against the world while Toby was at work during the day. We took trips to the park and worked diligently to make this house our home. So I guess I'm trying to say that Haley has kind of been my "best friend" over the last three years. Don't misunderstand, Toby will always, always be my best friend and know and understand me better than anyone else on this planet, but I feel like Haley's been my play buddy and now all of that is going to change once her little brother comes on the scene.

I can not wait to see his sweet face and share all of these memories and milestones with him as he grows. I know Haley will be a wonderful big sister and I'm excited to watch her interact with him and teach him all kinds of things. A whole new season of memories lie in wait.

As I've pondered the end of this era, our little family of three, I've taken special measures to freeze frame the moments. We have cuddled together and watched movies on the sofa. We've drawn pictures together and built towers with blocks. We pulled out the famous bean box that's been in hiding for months. We have baked goodies together...although she much prefers to splash in the sink while I do the cooking. We've had special time to just talk...mommy and Haley. Her little heart is so precious and she understands far more than I give her credit. Jesus, please protect her from any sense of jealousy or isolation related to Jake's arrival. Give me the patience, wisdom and energy to show extra love and affection toward Haley in the coming weeks. Seal their bond from the day he's born, so that they will be close from that day forward. Thank you for my sweet, precious babies and the new season we are entering. Help me to cherish each day and treasure each milestone.

For those of you who are curious...Jake is still breech, but we are still believing for a miracle. Three nights ago I sat on the couch and watched him almost turn all the way around. I KNOW he will do it, he's just not ready yet. My patience grows and my faith stretches with each passing day. I know we will have an amazing story to tell of God's goodness on the other side of this miracle!

Tomato Pie

Ok, so I'm not really a tomato person. I'm a bit picky about them. I don't want them on my sandwich or my burger...they make the bread soggy...eww. I don't care for them all on their own either. Gritty tomatoes are not appealing to me. But good, ripe, juicy summer tomatoes...I could eat my weight in those.

Anyway, a few summers ago I was introduced to this pie and HAD to figure it out. So I've tweaked with it for a while, and I think I'm about happy with it now. Thanks to some wonderful tomatoes from a friend's garden, we dished it up tonight and it was delicious! Let me know what you think!


*warning - measurements are approximate...I just eyeball it*

3-4 ripe tomatoes
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup sour cream
1/2 cup shredded cheese (mozzarella or Italian blend)
salt and pepper
1 tsp garlic, minced
1/2 onion, finely diced
1 tsp basil
3 oz real bacon bits
prepared pie crust (in the cookie dough section)

Preheat oven to 450 degrees. Slice tomatoes 1/4" to 1/2" thick and let sit between layers of paper towels for 30 minutes to drain juice. Spread pie crust out on greased pie pan. Spread 1/4 cup of shredded cheese over the bottom of the pie crust (this will help keep the tomato juice from getting your pie crust too soggy). Layer the tomatoes in the pie crust, spreading salt and pepper on each layer, mounding the tomatoes toward the middle. In a separate bowl combine mayo, sour cream, salt and pepper, garlic, onion, basil and bacon bits. Spread this mixture over the tomatoes, working it into the holes between tomato slices. Sprinkle the top generously with cheese and bake for 20 minutes. You may choose to then broil on low for a minute or two to brown the cheese. Let the pie sit for a few minutes before slicing.

A mid night encounter and a miracle in progress

As has become custom in the last few weeks, my eyes popped open at 2am this morning, my body exhausted but my mind wide awake. Running non stop through my head were a compilation of songs and scriptures of His pursuit of me..."He is jealous for me...Come back to me, my beloved...more numerous than the sands are Your thoughts toward me..." His pursuit is beautiful, it is endless, and it is worth giving in to...even at the cost of much needed sleep.

I talked with my Jesus for a while, and then begged for sleep to come. When it didn't I awakened enough to write these things in my journal...hoping this documentation would satisfy His longing to spend time with me, but to no avail...He had more to tell me. So as usual, I started asking "Where do you want me to read?" The Psalms are always a good place for me to start during an encounter like this. Being so many to choose from, chapter 1 sounded promising. "But his delight is in the law of the Lord, And in His law he meditates day and night...And in whatever he does, he prospers." Psalm 1:2-3 So this is me, I want to prosper in all that I do and meditate on His word day and night. Well, we've got the night part covered for now. As I read these few verses over and over, I heard the echo of "130." Out of curiosity I scrolled to Psalm 130 on my iPhone...yep, that's the one...

"Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord. Lord, hear my voice! Let Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications." v.1-2
Our greatest prayer in the past few weeks has been for our new son, Jake, set to arrive any time now. As was the case with my first pregnancy, we received news about 10 days ago that Jake is breech...crushing my dreams of an amazing vaginal delivery. We have indeed cried out and many of our friends and family, including many of you, have lifted him up in prayer in the last few weeks. Through this and other trials recently, God has pasted a scripture on our hearts (and bathroom mirror and kitchen sink)..."Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Phil 4:6. This word "supplication" was new to me and I have asked Abba to show me what it means...prayer, request, beg. That was it...beg. If this is truly a great desire, then I will not casually request, but I will beg, without hesitation. Now here it is again in Psalm 130...He hears my begging and He wants me to bear my heart to Him.

"If You, Lord, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with You, That You may be feared." v.3-4
For the briefest time, I listened to Satan's lie that Abba had not yet answered my prayer to turn my breech baby because my faith was not strong enough and because my works proved too little and unworthy of such a miracle. Here, You tell me that it's not about those things. I will not receive what I deserve based on my works. My God is abundant in grace and mercy and finds joy in bringing me into His family and blessing me, even when my works deserve eternal condemnation. Abba, I still do not understand this great love, but I am forever grateful!

"I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, and in His word do I hope." v.4
Oh dear, do we know something about waiting! During our six month journey from Knoxville to Mobile, "wait" seemed to be a constant, recurring theme. God taught us so much during that season, including the value of waiting on His timing. It's funny that this would come up again so soon. Without any prompting from me, I had a friend send me a message lately. She had been praying for us and for Jake and the Lord gave her a verse for us..."Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." Ps 27:14 This is one of the verses we were parked on for six months. This Hebrew word "wait" means to bind together by twisting; patiently, tarry, to expect. Toby and I have committed to bind ourselves to Him and trust in His word and believe for our miracle and amazing birth! I've had many days of doubt and regret that I've entertained the idea of Nevermind, let's just schedule a c-section and be done with it. But somewhere in my gut, I've known for many, many months that God is going to give us the amazing birth I've prayed for, and He will do it in a way that brings Him ALL the glory...up to and including turning my breech baby at just the last minute. And so, for His glory I will wait.

"My soul waits for the Lord more than the watchmen for the morning; Indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning." v.6
This is almost comical to me. As I've mentioned many times before, sleep is my best friend. Outside of pregnancy and tiny babies, it is next to impossible to rouse me from a good slumber. It's simply one of the greatest joys I have on this earth, and I don't sacrifice it for much. But for my Jesus, I will (sometimes gladly) surrender it. So I want this, this miracle and miraculous birth and sweet words from my Jesus, more than I want my precious sleep. Proof...I'm typing this at 4:45am...a miracle in itself.

But also on this note, my many mid night wakings lately have led to crazy thoughts. You know that place half way between awake and asleep. You know you're not asleep, but you realize later that you weren't thinking quite straight. That's where I've been most nights between 2 and 4 am over the last few weeks. I will wake up to Jake's playtime and somehow convince myself that he's turned. Perhaps if I don't move, he'll stay that way. But inevitably I have to pee and as soon as I stand and come to consciousness I feel his little head just under my ribcage and my hopes fall flat. So I have strangly come to look forward to these wakings in some hope that maybe, just maybe this will be the night that he turns, and if I stay in just the right position then he won't move again. I told you, not quite thinking straight. But as I was reading and chatting with my Jesus tonight, I began to have these same, familiar thoughts again. I started to dismiss it as false hope, just as I felt a kick at the TOP of my belly! Of course, fearful of moving I laid there for a long while paying close attention to his movements and trying desperately to decipher an arm from a leg from a knee. My hope grew as Abba reminded me that Jake has been spending less and less time with his head in my ribcage over the last few days. Now, where he has been, I'm not sure...but it's not with his head up straight. So I will continue to hold on to this prayer and wait for His timing of our miracle!

"O Israel, hope in the Lord; for with the Lord there is lovingkindness, and with Him is abundant redemption. And He will redeem Israel from all his iniquities." v.7-8
Such irony...this hope means to wait patiently. Lovingkindness includes so many things...mercy, beauty, favor. And He not only offers redemption, but He offers it abundantly! What wonderful news! Abba, I will chose to wait patiently for ALL that You have for me. I will claim Your mercy and beauty and favor over my life and I will continue to believe for our miracle...down to the moment of delivery if necessary. Please give Toby and me an increased measure of faith to walk this out over the next few weeks and give us opportunities to shout Your glories and Your lovingkindness to all who will listen on the other side of this miracle!


*Note, my name truly is Carey, but I have changed the names of my husband and children for their privacy. I apologize for any confusion to those who know us personally.

My God is bigger than...my car

Toby's parents bought a Toyota 4Runner brand new in 1998. They have always taken very good care of their vehicles and I was shocked when they gave it to us as a wedding present when we got married in 2004. In my mind, this is a wonderful, luxury vehicle...after all, it's a brand new 4Runner! Then I climb into my car and sit on the tacky cloth seat covers that are way too big for my front leather seats, despite the huge tear in the driver's seat. I crank the car to hear the incredibly loud antenna motor running in a diligent effort to raise the antenna that's been stuck in the down position for months. I adjust the air vents to feel the cool air...oh wait, that one's been broken for about a year and got permanently frozen in it's position several years ago after some orange juice splash into it. And what time is it? I'm not sure...the clock hasn't worked in years. BUT, in my mind, this is an awesome car and I am so thrilled to have it! So I guess on occasion I have to remind myself that my luxury car is in fact 13 years old now, but I've been known to proudly boast of God's goodness in that it is paid for and it's never given us any problems...

A few days ago, I picked up Haley from a friend's house and noticed my radio seriously struggling more than usual to get going. Hmm...I briefly thought, Oh well, I guess I'll just be stuck listening to CDs...no biggie. As I pulled out of the driveway, a strange dashboard light caught my eye...it was orange and in the shape of the battery. Ah, that's what's wrong with the radio...the battery is struggling. About that time, I noticed my RPM gauge flopping around, even when I pressed the accelerator. It would either shoot up or lay dead at 0. Now, I'm not ashamed to admit that I know very little about cars. "Very little" = I know how to fill it with gas and windshield wiper fluid and I'm aware that it needs new oil on occasion. Outside of that, I'm clueless, but here...a floppy RPM gauge...nah, that's not right.

About this time we stopped at a red light and two lanes over is a car sitting on top of a wrecker. Having never seen this new sight, Haley starts asking questions. I explained to her that the car on top is broken and won't drive on it's own, so the big truck it taking it to the car shop to get fixed...I failed to see the irony coming my way.

I called Toby who was just beginning a huge lunch with a bunch of guys from work and explained the situation. From my very technical description, he concluded that the problem was likely with the battery or the alternator. He asked if I had planned to make any stops on the way home...of course I had, we've been out of printer ink for over a week and it's killing me! "Go straight home! If you turn the car off, it probably won't start again." Boo. As badly as I wanted that printer ink, I wanted less to be stranded in the Staples parking lot! So off I went, singing and chatting with Haley. It's about a 40 minute drive from my friend's house to home and for the next few minutes, I didn't think anything of my floppy gauges or strange light again...until I left all civilization and felt my car slip into a coast mode. Forcing myself to fight off a huge wave of panic, I pretended that didn't happen...flop goes the speedometer. Oh dear...we have a problem. The road began to take a slight, and I do mean slight slope uphill, but it was just enough to realize I was about to be in huge trouble. I started looking around the road for a place to pull off as I wondered how my brakes might function. Just as I felt the panic start to rise, an office building (literally in the middle of nowhere) appeared on my left. My car was getting slower and slower and pushing the accelerator did no good. I could see the traffic getting tighter in on my bumper behind me. When I had nearly run out of steam, I made a left turn and coasted downhill into the parking lot. Whoa...I'm ok, I'm ok. Haley is oblivious to the near crisis.

My car was still running with the cool air blowing as I called Toby to report our status. I fought the urge to panic and calmly explained our situation, but I felt his panic rising as I described where I was. While we were on the phone, Toby had me turn the car off to see if it would crank again...um, didn't you already tell me not to do that? I chose not to argue but sure enough, it was dead...not even the slightest effort to run, and now I'd lost my a/c in the squelching 93 degree heat...nice.

I got off the phone with Toby and calmly called the Toyota dealership who gave me the number to a wrecker service they use. Surprised by my calm nature over the situation, I made the necessary phone calls and within minutes we had a tow truck heading our way. There were two trucks parked at this office building where I happened to land, but all the lights inside seemed to be out, even though it was mid day. A closer look at the front door revealed an 8x11 sign that read "Closed Wednesday afternoons." Great! As the temperature in my car was quickly rising, I desperately tried the front door in hopes that this Wednesday would be the exception. It was locked. Just as I was getting myself pumped up to sweat out the next 45 minutes waiting for our tow truck, I saw the front door open out of the corner of my eye. As I walked back to the door, an older gentleman held out his hand and said, "Want some crackers and mayonnaise?" I was completely taken off guard, but he was indeed having a snack of saltine crackers with mayonnaise slathered on top...I'd never heard of such. Despite his odd snack choice, his demeanor was warm and friendly and I was quickly put at ease. I declined his "generous" offer and explained why we were camping out in his parking lot. He let us come in to sit in the lobby, with the much appreciated a/c, and quickly offered me some water and gave Haley a chocolate popsicle. By this time, Haley is asking all kinds of questions about where we are and why we're here, but in the end she didn't care because she had ice cream. God is so good.

Our tow truck arrived and he was a crazy nice guy, too. Turns out he has four kids of his own and the youngest is 3, just a bit older than Haley. We loaded up the car seat in the backseat of the tow truck and Haley had a blast watching him load our car on top of his big truck. The driver offered Haley his honey bun from his lunch box. I was really touched by his sacrifice and Haley was super excited about some sugar. All in all the honey bun made for a much more pleasant, and quiet, ride to the dealership.

Haley in the back seat of the tow truck watching the exciting action out the back window.

All through this process I'm thinking in my mind about our car. It's 13 years old and Toby and I have talked about getting a newer car next spring. So I'm trying to run numbers in my head, How much is it worth and how much are we willing to put into this car if we know we want to get rid of it in 9 months or so anyway? Should we just count our losses now and get a newer car now? But we don't have the cash now for a newer car, we'd have to finance it...*wave of nausea* Oh sweet Jesus, I don't need this on my plate at 37 weeks pregnant!

We made it to the dealership and bid our friendly tow truck driver goodbye. The service guy that checked us in said the problem sounds like the alternator. "Ok, so about how much would a new alternator be?" He gave me a figure that was far less than I had imagined in my head...remember, I know zero about car mechanics. At the end of the day, we left the car there for them to repair and Toby picked us up and we headed home. As an important side note...I did learn that the alternator is needed to help get the battery going. Our battery was fine. Don't ask me any more...that's all I know.

While I had hoped to spend the entire afternoon resting my 37 week self on the sofa, it didn't turn out that way. The afternoon's events, while totally unforeseen by me, were totally in the control of my Jesus! First and foremost, I didn't panic...a huge blessing given my history with previous minor car hiccups and my exaggerated hormonal state. Second, we were able to get off the road safely without any problems or causing delays or collisions to any surrounding vehicles. Third, God put us somewhere with a kind man willing to help us and offer a/c, water and chocolate...far more than was asked or expected. Also, our tow truck driver was not the creepy kind that you see in movies...just a nice guy. Haley was such a trooper and even though she was exhausted, she thought we were on some great adventure! The repairs were far less than the horrid number I had cooked up in my head and now my 4Runner is back on it's feet and running great. And lastly, since Toby left work a little early to rescue us, Haley and I got to spend some extra time with him that afternoon. So all in all, thank you Jesus for showing Yourself mighty and in control of an unexpected and undesirable turn of events! You see me all through the day and care about even the smallest of details!

Peanut butter bars

More than a peanut butter cookie ever dreamed of being...quite possibly the world's most perfect dessert...

I may have mentioned before that this pregnancy has launched me into Martha Stewart mode, so when I noticed a friend's adventures in making homemade soft pretzels the other day, I had to check it out. She sent me the link to the website where she found the recipe and I've loved poking around.

A few days ago, I stumbled on her recipe for peanut butter honey bars and my mouth started watering. Since I've been instructed to consume 60 grams of protein a day in an effort to ward off preeclampsia, (Do you know how hard it is to eat 60 grams a day?!?) so I thought this might be a step in the right direction. My first batch was nearly as she instructed. They were wonderful, but I thought they could be better, so I did some tweeking on the second batch and Oh My Heavens...I'm gonna have to say mine are better than hers. These are incredible!!! Enjoy!

Peanut Butter bars
adapted from Heavenlyhomemakers

1/4 cup flour
1 cup crunchy peanut butter
1/2 cup honey
1 egg
1/4 tsp vanilla
1/4 cup chocolate chips (optional, but very delicious)

Mix all ingredients well and pour into greased 8x8 pan. (Tip: Spray your measuring cup before measuring out the peanut butter and honey for easier clean up...I'm all about easier clean up.) Bake at 350 degrees for 25 minutes. Allow to cool completely before slicing. Pour a glass of milk and force yourself to be nice and share with others!

Needing a miracle for our miracle

Our sweet boy at 35 weeks
Profile shot with his hand up by his mouth. He has Haley's little nose.

We were thrilled to learn about our son's arrival last fall and from the very beginning I had a huge goal of delivering him vaginally. Due to preeclampsia and her breech position, Haley was delivered by c-section at 38 weeks. While this wasn't my first choice, her birth came on so quickly that I accepted whatever was necessary to keep both of us safe and healthy.

This time around I wanted it to be different. I started doing lots of research and talking with other moms about a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). In fact, we even changed doctors at 30 weeks because we were not comfortable with our current physician and her experience taking on this higher risk delivery. I knew from the start that there was a chance that my dream wouldn't come true, but I didn't want to throw in the towel before ever giving it a try.

"Why bother?" you say, "Why not just schedule another c-section and be done worrying about it?" I've received this question what seems like a million times! First, my recovery from Haley's delivery was horrible. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, and I certainly don't want to endure it again myself. Second, while there are risks associated with a VBAC, the recovery is significantly easier than that of major abdominal surgery. Also, this is how God designed my body to work. I want to follow His design as long as medical interference wasn't truly necessary. And I suppose most importantly, Toby and I have a great desire for a big family, with both biological and adopted children. Multiple c-sections would leave me vulnerable to massive scar tissue and ending my ability to carry more children. Of course, there's no way to know how my body would react regarding future surgeries and excessive scar tissue, but I don't want to take that chance if it's not necessary. I understand that not all women share these opinions, and that is perfectly fine, but this is my heart.

For many months now, Toby and I have been believing for a beautiful vaginal delivery, free from all complications. Well, today we were thrown our first curve ball. My midwife was feeling around for the baby's position and she reluctantly shook her head and said, "I think that's the head right there" as she felt just beneath my ribs. I felt the wind knock out of me, but thought maybe she's just wrong. Maybe he's just lying funny. After all, he has been laying low in my belly the whole pregnancy and his heartbeat and hiccups have always felt low. Surely she's just mistaken.

We left her office and headed to get an ultrasound to confirm this guess. The technician looked at my belly and took one glance at the screen and said, "Yep, that baby's breech" almost as if she were proud of herself for figuring it out so quickly. She continued to look him over, head to toe and concluded that he is measuring 5 lb, 6 oz and is perfectly healthy...just laying upside down. While I will continue to praise God for this baby's health, I felt almost as if this were some kind of death sentence...like I were grieving for babies I would never carry. I know that's not very realistic, but I think that's where the sadness came from.

The next few hours were incredibly difficult and I felt like I'd been defeated. All of my prayers and hopes were for nothing and now it's over. While I recognize that a scheduled procedure without my previous medical complications would yield an entirely different result, I was heartbroken. I moved through my remaining errands with sporadic tears, but was comforted by my sweet Haley from the back seat, "It's alright, Mommy. Don't be sad." How do you explain this to a two year old?

Later in the afternoon, I got a message from a friend who shared the story of one of her friends. Their breech baby had turned as she was being prepped for a c-section. She said, "Don't give up on your miracle." Thank you Brandi, those were exactly the words I needed to hear! With each passing minute, I felt my spirits begin to lift. And so I've made a decision. I'm not going to give up on my miracle! We still have three weeks for our son to turn around before we have to schedule a c-section, and that's plenty of time for my Jesus to show His glory! At my midwife's advise I will be doing "exercises" (basically standing on my head) and spending lots of time in the pool to help him turn around. I will also go to my first ever chiropractor appointment next week in an effort to move the process along. In the mean time, I will pray that my God knows my heart and will come through on this miracle, so that all will know that He is God!

Already this afternoon I have felt him trying to turn...my faith is growing and we won't give up yet. Will you pray with us and believe with us, that God will grant us this miracle?

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." Philippians 4:6

A week with Granddaddy

A few weeks back I had the pleasure of hosting my Granddaddy for nearly a week. He has recently moved in with my mom and I have enjoyed several opportunities to spend time with him. Like most people in my generation, relationships with the grands had become reduced to holiday visits and updates both ways through the middle generation. Granddaddy came to Mobile to visit with us and help me with my garden.

Granddaddy is an avid gardener and it's one of the things that sticks out about him from my childhood. I remember he had the biggest garden when I was a kid and the one thing that sticks out the most was watching him bury his garbage in the garden...I thought that was so weird, but he seemed to know exactly what he was doing.

We had a blast having him here. We picked out seeds and planted my first ever garden. Granddaddy went to swim lessons with us and to watch the green truck outing of the week. I get my sweet tooth from him, so we enjoyed brownies after dinner, popcycles after working in the yard, and an outing to Mobile's famous Old Dutch ice cream shop. Granddaddy spent many relaxing hours on our back porch reading in the shade and helped Haley to master her peddling skills on her tricycle. We had a fun week...one that I will always treasure.

Haley "helping" Granddaddy pull weeds by handing him handfuls of dirt. She insisted on wearing her sun hat, just like Granddaddy.

Sues chef Haley helping to make brownies for Granddaddy's visit. It would be a shame to let any go to waste.

A well deserved popcycle after a hard day's work.


Learning from a pro. First, you dig a row and drop in the seeds...

Then you cover them up...Ta Da!

Planting bell peppers. We took a little short cut on these.


Old Dutch Ice Cream Shoppe.
Granddaddy is quite pleased with his ice cream choice.

Haley and I polished off a delicious banana split!


In the navy, Granddaddy served as an airplane mechanic. When Haley's vacuum needed repair (aka new batteries), Granddaddy was just the man for the job!


Watering our newly planted garden.

Are you invisible?

A friend shared this clip with our MOPS groups several months ago, and it touched my heart deeply. I've held on to it until the right time to share it with you and I think today is a great day...on the heels of celebrating all that our moms and wives do for our families.

Often we women do so much for our families that seems to go unnoticed...cooking, cleaning, endless loads of laundry, planning for company, packing snacks for a day out with the family...there are so many things that a mom has to do, many of them never receiving recognition. In addition to the chores of a homemaker, a Christian mom has the added duty of raising her children in a way that leads them to the Lord...soothing their fears, teaching them to take their worries to Jesus, not making a horrible face when they try a new look, and repeatedly speaking encouragement when frustration is really what lies on your tongue. It's not the husband's fault that he doesn't comment and reward each sacrifice and day of seamless planning. First of all, he's a man and he's often not going to perceive needs as we do. That's just how we're wired. Also, many of these actions take place in secret...planning things out in our minds as we run errands or choosing our words carefully in the quiet places of our heart. But above all this, these sacrifices and acts of love and service never go unnoticed by the One who matters most. Abba sees it all!

This doesn't just apply to women either. Often men feel like their actions are often overlooked...extra time and effort expended at work, taking the trash out at home, putting aside "down time" to play with the kids. As a wife and mother, I am guilty of not always acknowledging Toby's acts of service and love, even if I do notice them. I often treat them as expected duties and don't offer the gratitude he deserves.

Please take a minute to watch this video and be encouraged. Let's all try to do a better job of verbalizing our appreciation, but in the mean time, know that your actions are never passed by and never made little of by the One who sees them all.

The Invisible Woman - courtesy of You Tube

Haley's heart

My heart overflowed yesterday with it's sweetest moment to date...

My daughter, Haley, and I were headed to her room for quiet time and she started pretending there was a crocodile chasing us down the hall, like in her Little Einsteins movie. I played along and we ran fast into her room and I quickly shut the door behind us. We ran and jumped on her bed and I told her that she was safe on the bed...the crocodile couldn't get to her if she was on the bed. I felt the Spirit pushing me...

"Haley, can you say this? 'Do not fear...for I am with you.' " Her sweet voice repeated each phrase. I asked her, "Do you know who said that?" She just looked at me, a little confused. I told her, "Jesus said that!" We've talked a lot lately about how much Jesus loves us and how He's always with us. She started patting her chest and said, "Jesus is in my heart." I think this statement may be a twist on what I had taught her earlier...Jesus talks to us, but we can't hear Him with our ears, we hear Him with our hearts.

"You know what, Haley? Jesus can live in your heart. Do you want Him to?" To which I received an enthusiastic, "YEAH" as she rolled back on her bed. I said, "Ok, repeat after me...Jesus...please come live in my heart...and love me forever...and I will love you forever." I pray that in all of my days, I never forget the sound of those sweet words coming out of her mouth!

I recognize that she's only 2 1/2 and that there is much she doesn't understand, but I also think these little people understand far more than we give them credit for. So as the years roll on, we will continue to worship Jesus, to love well, to read scripture and incorporate it into every aspect of our lives, and I will hold fast to the promise my God made..."Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it." (Prov 22:6)

Thank you, Jesus, for loving Haley so much! I recognize that she is not mine, she is Yours. You have entrusted her to me and Toby to teach her, love her and lead her to You. I pray protection over her sweet heart and blessings over her life as Your remarkable plan for her life gets under way...even now, at 2 years old!!

WE'RE DEBT FREE!!!

"The borrower is slave to the lender" Proverbs 22:7

We are thrilled, thrilled, thrilled to have reached a HUGE goal for our family! First and foremost, this post is not meant to brag, but to give total glory to Jesus for the work He's done in our hearts, our lives, and our finances over the last few years.

So let me start by filling you in on the details. Early on in our marriage, Toby and I wanted to take some sort of Christian finance course for years - be it Dave Ramsey, Crown Financial, whatever. We just wanted to learn truth in this area and operate our finances from Biblical principles. At this time we were both working during the day and I was either working late nights for tax season or spending hours on end at the library in preparation for the CPA exam. So the timing just never really worked out...the times these classes were offered were not "convenient" for us. I've since learned, that we do what we really want to do and honestly, we just didn't make this as big of a priority as we should have earlier in our marriage.

Fast forward a few years...Toby got transferred to Tennessee and I quit my job to stay home with sweet Haley. Out of desperation for adult interaction, I started attending a moms group at a local church in Knoxville. While I never really clicked with any of the moms, other than the two that invited me, I still felt like I was suppose to go. Turns out that during my second semester in the group the course "Financial Peace University" by Dave Ramsey was offered as a choice. I was thrilled! Now, this was a "bare bones" version because they didn't charge the big fee (good thing, because we were broke) and we didn't get the materials, but we would watch the videos together each week. While Toby and I wanted to go through it together, I figured this was better than nothing, so I jumped on the opportunity. After two or three weeks, every one else in the class seemed to disappear and I was left alone. Several times I was left to watch the video...alone as even the leader went off to do other things. I didn't mind...at least I was getting exposure to this awesome information. Anyway, after two weeks of solitude, the leader asked me, "Do you just want to take the DVDs home a few at a time and watch them with your husband?" What?!? I was floored! So over the next few months, Toby and I watched the entire 13 lesson program...together, in our own time, with a chance to discuss it afterward. We were so grateful for this miracle!

Dave talks a lot about being debt free and now we can totally understand his point. Debt puts you in bondage and ties up your resources. It keeps you from being able to do other things for His kingdom with your finances. For us, we now know that we will serve in the ministry at some point, and God is positioning us to live "comfortably" with little or no income.

So we finished the DVDs in the fall of 2009 and took a good hard look at our financial situation. For the sake of giving God ALL the glory, I will go against all cultural norms and give you real numbers. At the close of 2009, here is what we were faced with:

$ 195,000 - mortgage on our TN house
$ 77,800 - mortgage on our vacant AL rental house
$ 8,300 - Toby's student loans
$ 19,400 - Carey's student loans
=$ 300,500 - total debt

Our monthly debt payments were as follows:
$ 1,400 - mortgage on our TN house
$ 918 - mortgage on our AL rental house
$ 82 - Toby's student loans
$ 173 - Carey's student loans
=$2,573 - total cash going out of our hands to the debtors each month

Now, you can do the math here. Toby had a great job, but once you tack on groceries, utilities, gasoline, etc, etc, etc...things were tight to say the least! However, as hard as those days were, God forced us to learn some really hard lessons. Lessons about stewarding His money well, lessons that we will carry for the rest of our lives. In those days, the choice laid out before me was A - get a job and put Haley in daycare or B - figure out how to stretch a buck. Since it was my heart's desire to be home with my babies, I got busy stretching away. We put Haley in cloth diapers, I made all of her baby food, I learned from a friend how to make my own laundry detergent, I learned all about cutting coupons and planning our meals around what was on sale. We rarely went out to eat and if we did it was to the cheap Mexican place where they would serve us endless free chips and salsa and we could split a $5 quesadilla. Most lunch dates consisted of sandwiches from home in the back end of my 4Runner, backed up to the river. Honestly, those are some of my favorite memories from Tennessee. We also learned that life went along just fine without fancy dinners out, new clothes, luxury cars, or extravagant toys for our daughter. God had blessed us with an incredible amount and we were learning that the "American dream" is not all it's cracked up to be. We were finally content with what we had and were able to take stock of things and start digging out from under our debt. [See the $ Savers tab for details.]

So, how did we get from there to here? Yes, we cut back tremendously in those first few months, but the monumental changes are all tied to the miracles God worked in moving us back to Alabama. In February 2010, God told Toby to quit his job, move us back to Alabama, attend "seminary" and live in our little vacant house. If you haven't heard this story, please take the time to read it...God is SO good! Anyway, after months of no job prospects in Mobile, one finally landed on the scene. With it came full relocation, additional funds for moving and temporary housing expenses, and they bought our TN house from us...for what we paid for it, even though it had declined in value during the two years we lived there. This was our starting point. So that takes care of our TN mortgage and we were able to put some of the extra moving funds toward Toby's student loans and knock them out. That alone was a huge relief...to finally have some breathing room in our finances!

Once we moved into our tiny, vacant rental house (that conveniently God was holding on to for us...haha, the joke's on us!) we refinanced the mortgage to get out from under PMI, cut the loan term to 15 years instead of 30, and significantly reduce the interest rate. Even with reducing the life of the loan, our mortgage payment now is still lower than it was before.

Over the course of the nine months that we've been in Mobile, we have been slowly chipping away at my student loans. Our pastors, John and Tracy, have said a million times, "You can't out-give God." One of the biggest things I admire about Toby is the stance he took at the very beginning of our marriage. He said, "No matter how tough things get, we will always give our tithe." And so we have. Faithfully, with each paycheck we have cheerfully turned over to God what belongs to Him...even though there were days I would day dream about how far that money would go, from my perspective anyway. We kept up our end of the deal when we moved to Mobile and with our first taste of financial freedom we began to offer above our tithe...a huge joy for my heart! Well, I think John and Tracy are right. For months now we have been receiving random checks in the mail...a refund on a utility bill from TN, or an overpayment due to a miscalculation on the closing of our refinance, or a dividend check I hadn't thought about...it seemed like the money just kept coming in! It was crazy! Now, nothing was huge...$40 here, $70 there, but those things add up and we knew where they were coming from. So all of those things combined with Toby's income and freedom from not paying other debtors each month, my student loan balance was falling quickly and yesterday I made the last payment...the payoff amount! It was a day that I never thought I'd see!

So, we still have our mortgage on our little Alabama house, but it's next in line. Again, I tell you all of this not to brag or boast of any wonderful thing we've done, but to point all glory to Jesus! He is the one who put the resources in our hands. He is the one who changed our hearts. He is the one who provided the new, amazing job. He is the one who provided the resources to give us the freedom He wants us to have. He is the one who paid off over $200,000 in debt in 18 months. We are thrilled to have this weight off of our shoulders, but even more so to be in a position to serve Him in whatever capacity He asks because we are not bound by these obligations anymore!

You can do this too. I promise, it can be done! But you must be intentional and you must seek His help. He will guide your heart and give you wisdom to walk it out. If you've overcome this hurdle, I would love to hear your story. Please feel free to post a comment or send me an email at soakinginlife@gmail.com.