I can look back on the last 12 hours and CLEARLY see that I have been in the throws of a spiritual battle. God has been fighting hard to guard my heart...and today He's won.
I met a friend for brunch and had a wonderful chat. I casually mentioned a verse I posted on FaceBook back in December, Isaiah 41:10. I joked that I would cash it in when I was big and pregnant and tired. Ha, note we are 3 weeks from meeting our baby girl. The verse stayed with me all day and I couldn't shake it.
"Ever be" came on the radio and the words hit me. Usually the screen on my car dash will rotate the radio station name, song name and artist, so you have to wait to catch the title. This time it was oddly frozen on the song name. I downloaded it to my phone right then.
The kids and I finished dinner and I sent them to get ready for baths. I felt an urgency to prepare for the morning. I finished cleaning the kitchen, prepped breakfast for a speedy presentation and prepared school lunches. Usually, I take 10 minutes or so to get lunches ready in the morning, but I couldn't shake the feeling that the morning needed to go as smoothly as possible. That didn't make sense. There was no reason for the next morning to be rushed, but I followed through with the urge anyway and had everything ready to go for a simple morning.
I fell asleep with my kids snuggled in my big king size bed. I woke up about 30 minutes later to finish some things around the house and get ready for bed myself. When I laid back down sleep wouldn't come, despite several days of little sleep and big pregnancy exhaustion. Normally, I can sleep like the flip of a switch, but not this night. Something was unsettled.
I blamed it on pregnancy insomnia and chose to cherish this precious time with sweet Lucy before she joins us. Then I tried to visualize our new house in Belgium. Thinking through the layout in my mind, how the rooms flow together, where we would put our furniture and imagining what it would be like to have my family fill that space. Strangely all of the details were fuzzy. I couldn't see it as clearly as I wanted to and that frustrated me.
I was still awake at 2am, which is 8am in Belgium. I saw Nathan come online and we chatted for a few minutes before he left for work. For the first time in this entire journey, I felt doubt creeping in. Even as I expressed my thoughts to Nathan and confessed, "WHAT IN THE CRAP ARE WE DOING?!?" I looked at the texts I had written to him and thought, "Where is this fear coming from? It is not my heart and it doesn't fit." Yet the words and the questions continued to fly out into messages to him. Something wasn't right, I could feel it, but his words of wisdom and excitement and reassurance of God's plan for us calmed my soul.
He left for work and I piddled on my phone a bit longer. I went to the Bible App and made a graphic of the verse that had been bouncing in my head all day. I don't know why, but I just wanted to see the words in big print. The words of it didn't seem to fit. I wasn't tired or exhausted like I expected to be at this stage, but yet the verse was there. It was 8:30am in Belgium...in the middle of the attacks.
I rolled over and grabbed my phone. As has become my custom since Nathan's been in Belgium for the last two weeks, I checked my email. By this point, it is noon there and he communicates updates with me via email while I'm sleeping. I saw an email from him titled "Peace in the storm." I opened it and heard his voice, "You'll be waking up to a lot of commotion about what has just happened at the Brussels airport...." I praise God that Nathan's voice is the one to deliver the news of today's events. I didn't see it from a random article on FaceBook or in passing on the news or from a text message from someone else. I heard my sweet Nathan's voice. It was calm, confident and full of reassurance.
I googled "Brussels airport" and read the first article that came up. I did not want to see any other articles. I don't need to know all of the gory, specific details. Evil reared it's ugly head and that's all I need to know right now.
I went to the living room with my journal and wrote as much as I could put into words. The enemy was trying to bring fear, but God was fighting for my heart before the news ever transpired.
Due to my preparations the night before, breakfast, lunch packing and school prep went off without a hitch and out the door we went.
My phone and FaceBook have been blowing up this morning with so many concerned for us and lifting our family in prayer. I cannot thank you enough. I don't think I've ever felt His presence as thick as I have this morning. I can clearly see His hand on the last 12 hours. I went to sleep battling this strange fear, but woke up to chaos in Belgium and a supernatural peace in my heart. I have never been more confident of our move. There is purpose for us there, even though we have no idea what that looks like. I even find myself hungry to be there now, passing out hugs freely and sharing the hope of something bigger, sharing the great, unending love of Jesus. Belgium is a dark place, but we are praying for a silver lining.
Please pray for the people of Belgium. It's so strange to love people so much that I've never met. My heart hurts for them, but am so hopeful because God loves them so much! Our greatest hope is to see His light spread. What an honor to be a part and have a front row seat! He can do anything, you know?
Nathan is scheduled to fly back to the States on Thursday, but we are unsure of how these events will affect his travel. Please also pray for a safe trip home. Thank you for your support as we follow hard after Jesus.