A bump in the road

We are so grateful to all of you who have been so encouraging on our adoption journey.  I know it's been a while since my last update here, so let me catch you up to speed.

God has been so good, so clear, and provided so much confirmation to us through this process.  This journey started back in March when I thought I was pregnant.  I had the list of symptoms across the board...strange tiredness, nausea, heightened sense of smell, emotional, you name it.  Any woman who's been there knows the emotional roller coaster you ride in your mind until you get clear, medical confirmation.  So I was really disappointed when my first at home test was negative...didn't even tell Toby about that one.  But the symptoms continued for another week, and since I'd gotten a false negative with Jake's pregnancy, I held out hope.  I had done the math, and if I were pregnant, we would have a Christmas baby.  The next week I had shared my thoughts with Toby and I took another test...negative.  I was so bummed and confused and I launched myself into prayer over it for the next few days.  Through many hours of conversation and questions with Abba, many dreams, and lots of time in worship, He revealed something really cool to me..."Carey, you're not pregnant, but your baby has been conceived."  Ha, uh, weird. What am I suppose to do with that?  After more questions and long talks with Toby, we became convinced that our baby was out there, now is the time to start the adoption process and we will bring him home around Christmas.

So we shared all of this with our adoption agency, including the visions Toby and I have had of our little boy.  We've since learned that people don't usually put so many "specifics" on their adopted baby, but because these sweet people love Jesus and have seen Him do amazing things, they simply said, "Wow!  That's incredible!  We can't wait for the ride."  They have been so encouraging and supportive.  So we truck along, get through the challenging application process and are getting ready for our home study.  The day before our first home study visit, a 17 year old girl, matching our description, called the agency.  She was pregnant and wanted to give her baby for adoption.  She was due the second week of January.  As soon as our social worker mentioned this to us, I just knew, that I knew, that this was our baby.  This was him!  How beautiful, how perfect!  We wouldn't even have to prepare a profile of our family - a scrapbook birthmothers will use to "shop" for an adoptive family.  I got attached, really just to the idea since we knew very little else about the birthmother, but in my heart I knew she was carrying our son.  So we prayed for that birthmother and that sweet baby day in and day out, and anxiously awaited the day of her big ultrasound to determine the sex of her baby.  We knew that big day was coming around the end of August, but we didn't hear from our social worker.  I refused the possibility and clung to the hope that this was our baby.

The last Friday morning of August, I was running errands with Haley and Jake in tow when my phone rang.  It was her, the call I'd been waiting on.  She was so sweet and so kind, but she didn't have an excitement in her voice like I'd hoped.  She told me that the birthmother we'd been praying for was healthy, the pregnancy was going well, and she was having a girl.  I was crushed.  I sat in the parking lot of Sam's Club, not really in a state of shock as much as a "what do we do now?" state.  After hanging up the phone, I cried and then cried some more, knowing my sweet Haley wouldn't understand what had just happened.  Seeing that I was sad, she started singing a song she'd made up, "Don't you worry worry, Mommy.  Don't you worry worry, Daddy."  That was it, the whole song, but it was exactly what I needed to hear.   So I pulled myself together and called another member of our agency.  She already knew the news and was waiting on my call.  I asked her, "What do we need to do to prepare our profile?"

So that's where we are.  Our profile is almost finished and then we will begin "marketing" ourselves.  I hate that term, but it's basically what it is.  But I know that we are not just throwing ourselves out there, begging for someone to please choose us.  Our profile will simply be a tool to connect us with the one, perfect birthmother who is carrying my little boy.  Our prayer is for God to show us the path that leads to our son, and I know that He will do it.

Within a matter of days, Abba was able to show me the good in our disappointment.  To be completely honest, I had allowed Satan to whisper lies to me, horrible lies...and I started to believe them.  They were so horrible that I didn't even tell Toby about them.  That's exactly the way Satan wanted it.  As long as the lies were hidden in the dark places of my mind, they held power over me, but as soon as they were released into the light and brought out into the open they were broken!  I would rock Jake at night and these thoughts would come through my mind, "You're not going to love that baby like you do Haley and Jake.  That child will always be different.  You're going to resent raising someone else's kid when he's sick or he turns out to be a heathen.  God didn't tell you to do this.  You made it up and you want people to say 'Oh, look how great Carey is'."  The sad part is that I listened.  I allowed doubt to creep into my mind.  Are we suppose to adopt?  Are we just out in left field here?  The beauty of this disappointment was that I grieved over "loosing" that baby.  If those horrible lies were true, then the knowledge of this baby being a girl would have been a relief, and it was far from it.  God used my grief to help me knock out the lies, remind me of His promise and solidify my heart for this baby.  Now I am more anxious than ever to have him in my arms!

This past Sunday, our confirming God spoke boldly again.  At the end of the service our pastor asked us to hold out our hands and repeat after him.  I hadn't even been focused on our new son that day and was a bit distracted, but decided to buckle down and focus on the words coming out of his mouth..."Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us."  As soon as those last words came out of my mouth, it was as if a sound wave or something had been traveling through the air and it hit me, nearly knocking me back.  I clearly heard Abba's voice, "I will bring you Ty."  And again He impressed Christmas on my heart.  It was so clear, so powerful, and so out of nowhere that I crumpled into tears.  Even now, He is reminding me of His promise and that His timing is perfect.  We are holding onto that as we ride out the rest of our journey in bringing our baby boy home!


Related posts:
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near