We are now three weeks after Christmas, and I'm sad to report that no, Ty did not make it home before the holiday. At my last post, there was no news and then suddenly...a glimmer of hope! On Friday, December 21 my phone rang. It was our social worker, Teresa. We were 4 days before Christmas and my heart stopped at the sight of her name on my caller ID...could this be the call we've been waiting for? She said, "Carey, I've run across a situation, but we haven't talked about it before so I wanted to see what you thought. I've found a baby boy in the foster system in Missouri. He is 11 months old today...and his name is Tai'Vone." (pronounced Ty - Von). I asked her to repeat his name, just to make sure I heard her right. She said she had limited information and in order to learn more about him we had to submit our homestudy, but she needed our permission to do so. I didn't know what to say. I've envisioned a newborn in my mind for the last year, so I didn't know what to do with this twist. I called Toby and he said without hesitation, "Yes, let's learn more about him."
With that, Teresa sent the necessary paperwork and requested more information on baby Tai'Vone. I just knew in my heart that if I could see a picture of his little face, I would know if he was mine or not. Teresa cautioned us that it would probably be after the first of the year before we heard anything, so we waited and prayed. Day after day the idea grew on me. This Tai and Jake would be 5 months apart...a great challenge now to manage two one year olds, but how fun to have a best buddy to grow up with. I quickly became attached to the idea and waited not so patiently for business to resume in the new year. Days and then weeks passed with no word. We prayed for Abba to fling the doors wide open or slam them shut as we proceeded with this child.
Today, January 21 is Tai'Vone's first birthday. Secretly, I had hoped that we would somehow get to celebrate this day with him. He has been removed from the available child registry where Teresa first found him and we have not received a single response from his social worker. Perhaps this is a closed door.
So what does this mean? Did my God fail me? Did He let me down on His promise? There are many things that I don't know, but I do know that my God ALWAYS keeps His promises...always. It is most likely that I misunderstood the original "deadline" of Christmas or maybe I was overly eager. Whatever the truth is, my God is still good. He is the one who planted the love for Ty in my and Toby's hearts and He will be the one to bring him home in His timing. Above all else, I know that Abba loves me, He sees and understands my hurt and impatience, and He has amazing things planned for me and my family...inlcuding Ty.
Toby and I are nearing the end of 21 days of prayer and fasting. My greatest plea is for Ty to come home during this window. This may or may not happen and that is ok. We are now praying for direction as we near the one year mark of this adoption journey. Do we continue to pursue a domestic adoption? Do we investigate international adoption? Do we put off adoption for now and have more biological children? I have so many questions and so few answers today, but I know that Abba has a plan...a great plan. And when He's ready, He'll tell us which road to take.
I have been so touched by the many, many people who have asked about Ty and have prayed for him. You will never know the depth of gratitude that comes from this mama's heart to hear of others who love my baby boy and are standing with us to see God's faithfulness. I know He'll come through...He always does.
Related posts:
12/18/12 - One week to go...
10/11/12 - Bread crumbs while we wait
9/23/12 - A bump in the road
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near
Monday, January 21, 2013
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
One week to go?
I have shared with you and stood firm on God's word to me that He would bring Ty home around Christmas. Well, here we are, one week before Christmas and no baby...not even a hint of a baby. At times I feel like Noah - standing on the corner proclaiming this absurd promise from the Lord. Some days I am confident and hopeful, other days I am full of doubt. Either way, my God is faithful, He is trustworthy and He is good. So many of you have been sweet to ask how things are going, but the truth is there's nothing new to share. Today we are still waiting to be matched with Ty's birthmother.
Should Christmas come and go next week with no sign of a baby, what does that mean? I don't know. I wish I had the answers. Maybe I heard Him wrong. Maybe I misunderstood. Maybe His timing is still different. Maybe we keep waiting. The one thing I do know is that my God doesn't need me to defend Him. I am human and I will do my best in hearing Him, loving Him and serving Him. So today, we continue to wait...hopeful to bring home our sweet baby boy in time for Christmas. Thank you for your continued prayers.
Related posts:
10/11/12 - Bread crumbs while we wait
9/23/12 - A bump in the road
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near
Should Christmas come and go next week with no sign of a baby, what does that mean? I don't know. I wish I had the answers. Maybe I heard Him wrong. Maybe I misunderstood. Maybe His timing is still different. Maybe we keep waiting. The one thing I do know is that my God doesn't need me to defend Him. I am human and I will do my best in hearing Him, loving Him and serving Him. So today, we continue to wait...hopeful to bring home our sweet baby boy in time for Christmas. Thank you for your continued prayers.
Related posts:
10/11/12 - Bread crumbs while we wait
9/23/12 - A bump in the road
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Bread crumbs while we wait...
Well, we've done it...everything in our power toward Ty's adoption. Our profile has been completed and distributed and now we just wait on word of a match.
I had the opportunity to share pieces of our stories with some moms this morning, and I told one of them that as I look back over the last five years or so, I can clearly see building blocks. Each new thing God has asked us to do is a little bit bigger than the thing before. I feel like I can look back and see a pattern...we chose to be obedient, Abba came through bigger and better than we could have imagined, and our faith and trust in Him grew. So next time, if He asks us to do something even bigger, we can know without a shadow of a doubt that He's good for it. Not only has He not ever failed me, but Abba always blows my mind with the outpouring of His goodness. My Jesus never does anything "good enough" or "oh, that will do." No way, He gives greater than we can ask, think or imagine!
In that spirit, Abba knows that waiting is not something I'm very good at. Ok really...who honestly likes waiting in the unknown? Exactly, point proven. So anyway, when we were on our journey from Tennessee back to Alabama and I felt at the end of my rope, Jesus would always give me what I called "bread crumbs"...a little nugget to cling to, a reminder that He's working on things that I can not see, and that He never has and never will leave me. This journey has been no different. Over the last two weeks He's given us a few bread crumbs to cling to...
Last week I toted the kids back and forth to Office Depot with me while we were working to get our profiles printed. I told Haley that we were making some books to help us bring baby Ty home. She wasn't really interested in more detail, but was rather satisfied to climb up and down the boxes of paper and push the buttons on the calculators. (Yes, on that day, I was that mom.) So anyway, one night while I was working on dinner, Haley was playing with a toy phone and handed it to Toby, "Here Daddy, it's for you." Toby almost always plays along, "Who is it, Haley?" Without skipping a beat or even giving much thought she replied, "It's baby Ty's mommy." Toby and I froze and stared at each other, Haley had already moved on to the next thing. I thought to myself, why yes, Haley, we are in fact waiting on a phone call from baby Ty's mommy. I tell you, children have such a strong connection to the Spirit. Please encourage that in your children and pay attention to the "random ramblings" that come out of their mouths. They may unknowingly be the keepers of great secrets!
My second bread crumb came a few days ago at the grocery store. The kids and I were watching our cashier scan our items when a young family came up to the lane beside us. One little boy, maybe about 2 or 3, climbed out of the buggy without his parents noticing, came over to my lane and tried to be so helpful by handing my cashier an onion in a produce bag. He was so cute and so sweet and so confused as to why she wasn't taking it. We both said hello to him and commented to each other about how cute he was. Then I heard his father behind me in a strong, commanding voice, "Ty, Ty. Come here!" They apologized for him bothering us, but I was still in shock at what I'd just heard. I asked his mother, "I'm sorry, but what is his name?" She absentmindedly replied, "Tyrese" while she tried to wrangle her three small children. His dad called his name at least another 5 times before they pulled out of the line next to me to find a faster cashier. I couldn't take my eyes off of the sweet little boy, with my boy's name! I am amazed at the details that had to play out for me to experience those few, precious seconds. Another sweet gift from my Jesus...a reminder that He hasn't left us and He's still working, even though we can't see it.
From the very beginning of this process, Abba has impressed "Christmas" on my heart. Ty will be born and will come home around Christmas. Sometimes I walk in great confidence of that promise, and sometimes I feel like I'm way out in left field, but recently He has been reminding me of that detail...Christmas. Over and over and over, He's told me..."Christmas." And lately, He's gotten a bit pushy about it..."I told you Christmas. You might need to get his space ready for him!!" Oh, but, uh...that's going to require some movement behind my faith. To which He replied, "Exactly." Between you and me...I'm afraid of being wrong. What if I am way out in left field and Christmas comes and goes with no baby? What then? If all we've invested is paperwork and prayers then I can blow it off as, "Oh well, I was wrong, we'll just keep waiting." But if I have an entire nursery set up, waiting for my tiny son to come home in +/- 75 days and then he doesn't...I don't know if I can look at that space. Will be a painful reminder of a failure? SO, here's what we're going to do...we're going to be obedient. Toby and I have CHOSEN to be obedient, even if it seems ridiculous! I mean, how ridiculous did Noah look building a boat on dry land in a place that had never seen rain?!? Ok, so I will take a BIG step out there, risk looking totally ridiculous and wait patiently for my God, my King Jesus, to come through on His latest promise..."I will bring you Ty...this Christmas."
Related posts:
9/23/12 - A bump in the road
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near
Click here to see our profile in its entirety.
Our agency has advised us to spread the word far and wide that we are adopting, because you never know where that baby will come from. So please keep us in mind if you ever hear mention of adoption. Our social worker's contact information is available on the last page of our profile. We also ask that you please pray with us as we wait out the remaining months and that God will clearly bring us to the path that leads to our son, Ty.
I had the opportunity to share pieces of our stories with some moms this morning, and I told one of them that as I look back over the last five years or so, I can clearly see building blocks. Each new thing God has asked us to do is a little bit bigger than the thing before. I feel like I can look back and see a pattern...we chose to be obedient, Abba came through bigger and better than we could have imagined, and our faith and trust in Him grew. So next time, if He asks us to do something even bigger, we can know without a shadow of a doubt that He's good for it. Not only has He not ever failed me, but Abba always blows my mind with the outpouring of His goodness. My Jesus never does anything "good enough" or "oh, that will do." No way, He gives greater than we can ask, think or imagine!
In that spirit, Abba knows that waiting is not something I'm very good at. Ok really...who honestly likes waiting in the unknown? Exactly, point proven. So anyway, when we were on our journey from Tennessee back to Alabama and I felt at the end of my rope, Jesus would always give me what I called "bread crumbs"...a little nugget to cling to, a reminder that He's working on things that I can not see, and that He never has and never will leave me. This journey has been no different. Over the last two weeks He's given us a few bread crumbs to cling to...
Last week I toted the kids back and forth to Office Depot with me while we were working to get our profiles printed. I told Haley that we were making some books to help us bring baby Ty home. She wasn't really interested in more detail, but was rather satisfied to climb up and down the boxes of paper and push the buttons on the calculators. (Yes, on that day, I was that mom.) So anyway, one night while I was working on dinner, Haley was playing with a toy phone and handed it to Toby, "Here Daddy, it's for you." Toby almost always plays along, "Who is it, Haley?" Without skipping a beat or even giving much thought she replied, "It's baby Ty's mommy." Toby and I froze and stared at each other, Haley had already moved on to the next thing. I thought to myself, why yes, Haley, we are in fact waiting on a phone call from baby Ty's mommy. I tell you, children have such a strong connection to the Spirit. Please encourage that in your children and pay attention to the "random ramblings" that come out of their mouths. They may unknowingly be the keepers of great secrets!
My second bread crumb came a few days ago at the grocery store. The kids and I were watching our cashier scan our items when a young family came up to the lane beside us. One little boy, maybe about 2 or 3, climbed out of the buggy without his parents noticing, came over to my lane and tried to be so helpful by handing my cashier an onion in a produce bag. He was so cute and so sweet and so confused as to why she wasn't taking it. We both said hello to him and commented to each other about how cute he was. Then I heard his father behind me in a strong, commanding voice, "Ty, Ty. Come here!" They apologized for him bothering us, but I was still in shock at what I'd just heard. I asked his mother, "I'm sorry, but what is his name?" She absentmindedly replied, "Tyrese" while she tried to wrangle her three small children. His dad called his name at least another 5 times before they pulled out of the line next to me to find a faster cashier. I couldn't take my eyes off of the sweet little boy, with my boy's name! I am amazed at the details that had to play out for me to experience those few, precious seconds. Another sweet gift from my Jesus...a reminder that He hasn't left us and He's still working, even though we can't see it.
From the very beginning of this process, Abba has impressed "Christmas" on my heart. Ty will be born and will come home around Christmas. Sometimes I walk in great confidence of that promise, and sometimes I feel like I'm way out in left field, but recently He has been reminding me of that detail...Christmas. Over and over and over, He's told me..."Christmas." And lately, He's gotten a bit pushy about it..."I told you Christmas. You might need to get his space ready for him!!" Oh, but, uh...that's going to require some movement behind my faith. To which He replied, "Exactly." Between you and me...I'm afraid of being wrong. What if I am way out in left field and Christmas comes and goes with no baby? What then? If all we've invested is paperwork and prayers then I can blow it off as, "Oh well, I was wrong, we'll just keep waiting." But if I have an entire nursery set up, waiting for my tiny son to come home in +/- 75 days and then he doesn't...I don't know if I can look at that space. Will be a painful reminder of a failure? SO, here's what we're going to do...we're going to be obedient. Toby and I have CHOSEN to be obedient, even if it seems ridiculous! I mean, how ridiculous did Noah look building a boat on dry land in a place that had never seen rain?!? Ok, so I will take a BIG step out there, risk looking totally ridiculous and wait patiently for my God, my King Jesus, to come through on His latest promise..."I will bring you Ty...this Christmas."
As Haley and I have studied Noah over the last few weeks, I have drilled into her head...
GOD ALWAYS KEEPS HIS PROMISES!
Related posts:
9/23/12 - A bump in the road
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near
Sunday, September 23, 2012
A bump in the road
We are so grateful to all of you who have been so encouraging on our adoption journey. I know it's been a while since my last update here, so let me catch you up to speed.
God has been so good, so clear, and provided so much confirmation to us through this process. This journey started back in March when I thought I was pregnant. I had the list of symptoms across the board...strange tiredness, nausea, heightened sense of smell, emotional, you name it. Any woman who's been there knows the emotional roller coaster you ride in your mind until you get clear, medical confirmation. So I was really disappointed when my first at home test was negative...didn't even tell Toby about that one. But the symptoms continued for another week, and since I'd gotten a false negative with Jake's pregnancy, I held out hope. I had done the math, and if I were pregnant, we would have a Christmas baby. The next week I had shared my thoughts with Toby and I took another test...negative. I was so bummed and confused and I launched myself into prayer over it for the next few days. Through many hours of conversation and questions with Abba, many dreams, and lots of time in worship, He revealed something really cool to me..."Carey, you're not pregnant, but your baby has been conceived." Ha, uh, weird. What am I suppose to do with that? After more questions and long talks with Toby, we became convinced that our baby was out there, now is the time to start the adoption process and we will bring him home around Christmas.
So we shared all of this with our adoption agency, including the visions Toby and I have had of our little boy. We've since learned that people don't usually put so many "specifics" on their adopted baby, but because these sweet people love Jesus and have seen Him do amazing things, they simply said, "Wow! That's incredible! We can't wait for the ride." They have been so encouraging and supportive. So we truck along, get through the challenging application process and are getting ready for our home study. The day before our first home study visit, a 17 year old girl, matching our description, called the agency. She was pregnant and wanted to give her baby for adoption. She was due the second week of January. As soon as our social worker mentioned this to us, I just knew, that I knew, that this was our baby. This was him! How beautiful, how perfect! We wouldn't even have to prepare a profile of our family - a scrapbook birthmothers will use to "shop" for an adoptive family. I got attached, really just to the idea since we knew very little else about the birthmother, but in my heart I knew she was carrying our son. So we prayed for that birthmother and that sweet baby day in and day out, and anxiously awaited the day of her big ultrasound to determine the sex of her baby. We knew that big day was coming around the end of August, but we didn't hear from our social worker. I refused the possibility and clung to the hope that this was our baby.
The last Friday morning of August, I was running errands with Haley and Jake in tow when my phone rang. It was her, the call I'd been waiting on. She was so sweet and so kind, but she didn't have an excitement in her voice like I'd hoped. She told me that the birthmother we'd been praying for was healthy, the pregnancy was going well, and she was having a girl. I was crushed. I sat in the parking lot of Sam's Club, not really in a state of shock as much as a "what do we do now?" state. After hanging up the phone, I cried and then cried some more, knowing my sweet Haley wouldn't understand what had just happened. Seeing that I was sad, she started singing a song she'd made up, "Don't you worry worry, Mommy. Don't you worry worry, Daddy." That was it, the whole song, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. So I pulled myself together and called another member of our agency. She already knew the news and was waiting on my call. I asked her, "What do we need to do to prepare our profile?"
So that's where we are. Our profile is almost finished and then we will begin "marketing" ourselves. I hate that term, but it's basically what it is. But I know that we are not just throwing ourselves out there, begging for someone to please choose us. Our profile will simply be a tool to connect us with the one, perfect birthmother who is carrying my little boy. Our prayer is for God to show us the path that leads to our son, and I know that He will do it.
Within a matter of days, Abba was able to show me the good in our disappointment. To be completely honest, I had allowed Satan to whisper lies to me, horrible lies...and I started to believe them. They were so horrible that I didn't even tell Toby about them. That's exactly the way Satan wanted it. As long as the lies were hidden in the dark places of my mind, they held power over me, but as soon as they were released into the light and brought out into the open they were broken! I would rock Jake at night and these thoughts would come through my mind, "You're not going to love that baby like you do Haley and Jake. That child will always be different. You're going to resent raising someone else's kid when he's sick or he turns out to be a heathen. God didn't tell you to do this. You made it up and you want people to say 'Oh, look how great Carey is'." The sad part is that I listened. I allowed doubt to creep into my mind. Are we suppose to adopt? Are we just out in left field here? The beauty of this disappointment was that I grieved over "loosing" that baby. If those horrible lies were true, then the knowledge of this baby being a girl would have been a relief, and it was far from it. God used my grief to help me knock out the lies, remind me of His promise and solidify my heart for this baby. Now I am more anxious than ever to have him in my arms!
This past Sunday, our confirming God spoke boldly again. At the end of the service our pastor asked us to hold out our hands and repeat after him. I hadn't even been focused on our new son that day and was a bit distracted, but decided to buckle down and focus on the words coming out of his mouth..."Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us." As soon as those last words came out of my mouth, it was as if a sound wave or something had been traveling through the air and it hit me, nearly knocking me back. I clearly heard Abba's voice, "I will bring you Ty." And again He impressed Christmas on my heart. It was so clear, so powerful, and so out of nowhere that I crumpled into tears. Even now, He is reminding me of His promise and that His timing is perfect. We are holding onto that as we ride out the rest of our journey in bringing our baby boy home!
Related posts:
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near
God has been so good, so clear, and provided so much confirmation to us through this process. This journey started back in March when I thought I was pregnant. I had the list of symptoms across the board...strange tiredness, nausea, heightened sense of smell, emotional, you name it. Any woman who's been there knows the emotional roller coaster you ride in your mind until you get clear, medical confirmation. So I was really disappointed when my first at home test was negative...didn't even tell Toby about that one. But the symptoms continued for another week, and since I'd gotten a false negative with Jake's pregnancy, I held out hope. I had done the math, and if I were pregnant, we would have a Christmas baby. The next week I had shared my thoughts with Toby and I took another test...negative. I was so bummed and confused and I launched myself into prayer over it for the next few days. Through many hours of conversation and questions with Abba, many dreams, and lots of time in worship, He revealed something really cool to me..."Carey, you're not pregnant, but your baby has been conceived." Ha, uh, weird. What am I suppose to do with that? After more questions and long talks with Toby, we became convinced that our baby was out there, now is the time to start the adoption process and we will bring him home around Christmas.
So we shared all of this with our adoption agency, including the visions Toby and I have had of our little boy. We've since learned that people don't usually put so many "specifics" on their adopted baby, but because these sweet people love Jesus and have seen Him do amazing things, they simply said, "Wow! That's incredible! We can't wait for the ride." They have been so encouraging and supportive. So we truck along, get through the challenging application process and are getting ready for our home study. The day before our first home study visit, a 17 year old girl, matching our description, called the agency. She was pregnant and wanted to give her baby for adoption. She was due the second week of January. As soon as our social worker mentioned this to us, I just knew, that I knew, that this was our baby. This was him! How beautiful, how perfect! We wouldn't even have to prepare a profile of our family - a scrapbook birthmothers will use to "shop" for an adoptive family. I got attached, really just to the idea since we knew very little else about the birthmother, but in my heart I knew she was carrying our son. So we prayed for that birthmother and that sweet baby day in and day out, and anxiously awaited the day of her big ultrasound to determine the sex of her baby. We knew that big day was coming around the end of August, but we didn't hear from our social worker. I refused the possibility and clung to the hope that this was our baby.
The last Friday morning of August, I was running errands with Haley and Jake in tow when my phone rang. It was her, the call I'd been waiting on. She was so sweet and so kind, but she didn't have an excitement in her voice like I'd hoped. She told me that the birthmother we'd been praying for was healthy, the pregnancy was going well, and she was having a girl. I was crushed. I sat in the parking lot of Sam's Club, not really in a state of shock as much as a "what do we do now?" state. After hanging up the phone, I cried and then cried some more, knowing my sweet Haley wouldn't understand what had just happened. Seeing that I was sad, she started singing a song she'd made up, "Don't you worry worry, Mommy. Don't you worry worry, Daddy." That was it, the whole song, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. So I pulled myself together and called another member of our agency. She already knew the news and was waiting on my call. I asked her, "What do we need to do to prepare our profile?"
So that's where we are. Our profile is almost finished and then we will begin "marketing" ourselves. I hate that term, but it's basically what it is. But I know that we are not just throwing ourselves out there, begging for someone to please choose us. Our profile will simply be a tool to connect us with the one, perfect birthmother who is carrying my little boy. Our prayer is for God to show us the path that leads to our son, and I know that He will do it.
Within a matter of days, Abba was able to show me the good in our disappointment. To be completely honest, I had allowed Satan to whisper lies to me, horrible lies...and I started to believe them. They were so horrible that I didn't even tell Toby about them. That's exactly the way Satan wanted it. As long as the lies were hidden in the dark places of my mind, they held power over me, but as soon as they were released into the light and brought out into the open they were broken! I would rock Jake at night and these thoughts would come through my mind, "You're not going to love that baby like you do Haley and Jake. That child will always be different. You're going to resent raising someone else's kid when he's sick or he turns out to be a heathen. God didn't tell you to do this. You made it up and you want people to say 'Oh, look how great Carey is'." The sad part is that I listened. I allowed doubt to creep into my mind. Are we suppose to adopt? Are we just out in left field here? The beauty of this disappointment was that I grieved over "loosing" that baby. If those horrible lies were true, then the knowledge of this baby being a girl would have been a relief, and it was far from it. God used my grief to help me knock out the lies, remind me of His promise and solidify my heart for this baby. Now I am more anxious than ever to have him in my arms!
This past Sunday, our confirming God spoke boldly again. At the end of the service our pastor asked us to hold out our hands and repeat after him. I hadn't even been focused on our new son that day and was a bit distracted, but decided to buckle down and focus on the words coming out of his mouth..."Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us." As soon as those last words came out of my mouth, it was as if a sound wave or something had been traveling through the air and it hit me, nearly knocking me back. I clearly heard Abba's voice, "I will bring you Ty." And again He impressed Christmas on my heart. It was so clear, so powerful, and so out of nowhere that I crumpled into tears. Even now, He is reminding me of His promise and that His timing is perfect. We are holding onto that as we ride out the rest of our journey in bringing our baby boy home!
Related posts:
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near
Sunday, August 12, 2012
From pew warmer to freedom walker
My heart is so heavy today. There is so much I want to share, so much life I want others to have, so much sadness that they don't even know what they're turning down. Today I will share a piece of my heart, a piece of my journey. Hopefully it will help others to see that YES, THERE IS MORE!
I grew up in church with a mom who prayed for me and read me Bible stories. The church thing stuck. I even went so far as to pursue church attendance when I moved out on my own. Sadly, my motives were a bit skewed. I went to church because that's just what you did, that's what was expected, and my mom would be disappointed if I didn't. So in each new city I found myself, I searched out a church. I even started teaching Sunday School at one of them. How's that for gold stars, huh?!? So this went on for years...and years. But secretly, I was dying. I would ask myself, is this really it? Is what I'm living the great joy that God promises and that I've heard preached about all the time? Because frankly, it's really not all that great. I don't mind following the "rules" too much, I'm not really a rebel at heart anyway, but if this is the greatest way to live life, I must be missing something. And here's where I ran into my biggest problem..."Um, yeah, I know I'm a Sunday School teacher and all, but I don't really get it. What's the big deal? I don't have this overflowing joy that the Bible tells me I'll have and quite frankly, I'm a bit tired of keeping up the act, checking my religion box, and going through the motions." I felt stuck. How do I admit to knowing nothing about what I was teaching? Sure I knew all the "right" things to say, but at the end of the day they were just the rules, the dos and the don'ts...I'd mastered those, but nothing penetrated deeper than that. Just so we're clear, this facade went across the board to every aspect of my life...my coworkers, my friends at church, my family, my husband and myself. I pretended to all of them. I pretended to "be in love with Jesus" to all of them, and for a while I tried to convince myself I had it all figured out, but in my secret places I knew it just wasn't true. I didn't even know what that meant, much less how to get there, but it sounded good. It's what was expected of me, so I kept it up. But when you've had enough pretending to have it all together, how do you get out? I didn't know, so I kept my doubts to myself and eventually God took me to a new place. A place where nobody knew my name, nobody knew what I had "taught" before and I didn't have any act to keep up. I could just start fresh. I could admit that I didn't know as much about this God stuff as I had led on. I could ask questions without expecting an appalling, shocked look in return. The details of the day that changed everything for me are here, but now I have to tell you what I've learned on the other side...
If you find yourself in a similar place, the biggest thing I can tell you is that the ball is in your court. It's your move.
"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13
"I love those who love me; and those who diligently seek me will find me." Proverbs 8:17
"But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul." Deuteronomy 4:29
"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Luke 11:10, Matthew 7:8
This word "seek" means "to search out in worship or prayer, to strive after, to beg, to desire." It requires me to take the first step. I have to want to find Him. I have to want to know what He has to say. I have to want to do what He asks. This was my hang up for years. I would go through the motions, read my Bible on occasion, talk the talk, but deep down in the quiet, secret places of my gut I didn't really want to find Him. I knew what He was going to say and I didn't like it. He was going to tell me that I was wrong for carrying on like I had been. I didn't read my Bible often enough. I didn't talk about Him enough to my coworkers. I didn't pray for people when I told them I would. Yeah, I knew the dos and don'ts and I could point a finger at you, but I didn't follow them all the way through. God was going to be disappointed with me, so I chose not to give Him a chance to talk. I didn't really want to find Him. Even though I knew something was missing, I'd rather live without that missing piece than face His finger in my face for all the things I had not done good enough.
Sweet friend, I am here to tell you that's the place I lived in for so many years...stuck and no idea what to do about it. But the fear of God's pointing finger turned out to be a lie from the pit of hell. I've since learned that those fears and those words of condemnation and accusing fingers only come from the enemy. Paul tells us that "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1. If you don't want to look for God because you're afraid you'll get a finger in your face, you need to address that head on...that is NOT Jesus' sweet voice of love, that is Satan's voice holding you in captivity, keeping you locked up in yourself, and you have the power to call his bluff. You have the power to tell him to shut up and turn your face to what God has to say.
So what does He have to say? If I decide to give Him a chance to talk, what will He say to me? I remember that day very clearly. Toby was at work, Haley was napping and I climbed onto my bed with my journal and my Bible. I had seen other women in Tennessee with something I didn't have. They threw their heads back and spun like children in worship to our God. They were so free and full of life. Their eyes sparkled and danced when they talked about God. I knew that whatever they had, I didn't, but I wanted it. So I sat on my bed and decided that I would give Him a chance to talk. I would hear Him out. I wanted to know how to hear His voice. During the prayer time that changed everything for me, He said, "Carey, I see you. Not only do I 'know how many hairs are on your head' and did I 'knit you together in your mother's womb' but I see you today. I know what's going through your head today. I know that you're stuck. I know that you want a way out, and I want to show you how. I am trustworthy."
So, "seek and you will find." You have to ask yourself...Do you really want to find Him? Do you really want to know what He has to say? Really? In the deep, quiet places of your gut...are you willing to give Him a chance to speak? Until you can honestly look for Him with everything you have, you won't find Him. You won't find the great joy and peace He talks about. You won't be able to feel His presence and hear His voice. All of your efforts will just be motions, religion, and a facade. I can tell you, He's trustworthy. He does not have a finger waiting on you. He is not ready to bring up a list of all the places you've failed. He is waiting for a chance to tell you how much He loves you, how much he thinks about you. He wants to show you the joy and peace He has to offer. He wants to lavish you with beautiful gifts, greater than you can imagine. Are you ready to hear Him out?
I grew up in church with a mom who prayed for me and read me Bible stories. The church thing stuck. I even went so far as to pursue church attendance when I moved out on my own. Sadly, my motives were a bit skewed. I went to church because that's just what you did, that's what was expected, and my mom would be disappointed if I didn't. So in each new city I found myself, I searched out a church. I even started teaching Sunday School at one of them. How's that for gold stars, huh?!? So this went on for years...and years. But secretly, I was dying. I would ask myself, is this really it? Is what I'm living the great joy that God promises and that I've heard preached about all the time? Because frankly, it's really not all that great. I don't mind following the "rules" too much, I'm not really a rebel at heart anyway, but if this is the greatest way to live life, I must be missing something. And here's where I ran into my biggest problem..."Um, yeah, I know I'm a Sunday School teacher and all, but I don't really get it. What's the big deal? I don't have this overflowing joy that the Bible tells me I'll have and quite frankly, I'm a bit tired of keeping up the act, checking my religion box, and going through the motions." I felt stuck. How do I admit to knowing nothing about what I was teaching? Sure I knew all the "right" things to say, but at the end of the day they were just the rules, the dos and the don'ts...I'd mastered those, but nothing penetrated deeper than that. Just so we're clear, this facade went across the board to every aspect of my life...my coworkers, my friends at church, my family, my husband and myself. I pretended to all of them. I pretended to "be in love with Jesus" to all of them, and for a while I tried to convince myself I had it all figured out, but in my secret places I knew it just wasn't true. I didn't even know what that meant, much less how to get there, but it sounded good. It's what was expected of me, so I kept it up. But when you've had enough pretending to have it all together, how do you get out? I didn't know, so I kept my doubts to myself and eventually God took me to a new place. A place where nobody knew my name, nobody knew what I had "taught" before and I didn't have any act to keep up. I could just start fresh. I could admit that I didn't know as much about this God stuff as I had led on. I could ask questions without expecting an appalling, shocked look in return. The details of the day that changed everything for me are here, but now I have to tell you what I've learned on the other side...
If you find yourself in a similar place, the biggest thing I can tell you is that the ball is in your court. It's your move.
"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13
"I love those who love me; and those who diligently seek me will find me." Proverbs 8:17
"But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul." Deuteronomy 4:29
"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Luke 11:10, Matthew 7:8
This word "seek" means "to search out in worship or prayer, to strive after, to beg, to desire." It requires me to take the first step. I have to want to find Him. I have to want to know what He has to say. I have to want to do what He asks. This was my hang up for years. I would go through the motions, read my Bible on occasion, talk the talk, but deep down in the quiet, secret places of my gut I didn't really want to find Him. I knew what He was going to say and I didn't like it. He was going to tell me that I was wrong for carrying on like I had been. I didn't read my Bible often enough. I didn't talk about Him enough to my coworkers. I didn't pray for people when I told them I would. Yeah, I knew the dos and don'ts and I could point a finger at you, but I didn't follow them all the way through. God was going to be disappointed with me, so I chose not to give Him a chance to talk. I didn't really want to find Him. Even though I knew something was missing, I'd rather live without that missing piece than face His finger in my face for all the things I had not done good enough.
Sweet friend, I am here to tell you that's the place I lived in for so many years...stuck and no idea what to do about it. But the fear of God's pointing finger turned out to be a lie from the pit of hell. I've since learned that those fears and those words of condemnation and accusing fingers only come from the enemy. Paul tells us that "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1. If you don't want to look for God because you're afraid you'll get a finger in your face, you need to address that head on...that is NOT Jesus' sweet voice of love, that is Satan's voice holding you in captivity, keeping you locked up in yourself, and you have the power to call his bluff. You have the power to tell him to shut up and turn your face to what God has to say.
So what does He have to say? If I decide to give Him a chance to talk, what will He say to me? I remember that day very clearly. Toby was at work, Haley was napping and I climbed onto my bed with my journal and my Bible. I had seen other women in Tennessee with something I didn't have. They threw their heads back and spun like children in worship to our God. They were so free and full of life. Their eyes sparkled and danced when they talked about God. I knew that whatever they had, I didn't, but I wanted it. So I sat on my bed and decided that I would give Him a chance to talk. I would hear Him out. I wanted to know how to hear His voice. During the prayer time that changed everything for me, He said, "Carey, I see you. Not only do I 'know how many hairs are on your head' and did I 'knit you together in your mother's womb' but I see you today. I know what's going through your head today. I know that you're stuck. I know that you want a way out, and I want to show you how. I am trustworthy."
So, "seek and you will find." You have to ask yourself...Do you really want to find Him? Do you really want to know what He has to say? Really? In the deep, quiet places of your gut...are you willing to give Him a chance to speak? Until you can honestly look for Him with everything you have, you won't find Him. You won't find the great joy and peace He talks about. You won't be able to feel His presence and hear His voice. All of your efforts will just be motions, religion, and a facade. I can tell you, He's trustworthy. He does not have a finger waiting on you. He is not ready to bring up a list of all the places you've failed. He is waiting for a chance to tell you how much He loves you, how much he thinks about you. He wants to show you the joy and peace He has to offer. He wants to lavish you with beautiful gifts, greater than you can imagine. Are you ready to hear Him out?
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Save the adoption credit
First of all, thank you SO MUCH to all of you who have been so supportive through our adoption process so far. Many of you have inquired of our progress, have offered prayers on our behalf and have supported Bezi's Creations in an effort to help us raise the funds necessary to bring our son home. As many of you know, adopting a baby is certainly not a "cheap" endeavor. When God told us to start this process, even before we had the money in the bank, we took a leap of faith and began walking down this road. One crucial piece to the funding of our adoption is the adoption tax credit available to families, however this credit is set to expire on December 31, 2012. If this happens, Toby and I will be unable to capitalize on this wonderful opportunity and great aid in bringing our son home. The following is copied from another blog and I would appreciate the 5 minutes of your time it would require to help ensure the adoption credit gets renewed. Also, please share this important information with your friends and families via email, FaceBook and the like. Thank you so much for your continued support!
Excerpt from Chapters blog:
To put it simply, it means good families who want to change a life and/or provide a loving, stable home but don't make quite enough money might not have the income to adopt a child in need. (Just so you know, adoption can cost anywhere from $13-$40K on average if adopting privately.)
So this credit going away makes me incredibly sad. How many kids in the future are going to stay in the system because families just can't afford adoption?
I wrote my first ever letter to a Representative today and I'm asking if someone (ANYONE) would take the time to copy this letter (below) and click here to send (typically) a web form to your Representative. It will take 10 minutes of your life. But it could change someone else's forever.
I hope I've made this really, really easy:
PS: Will you consider re-posting to get the word out?
Excerpt from Chapters blog:
Advocate for Kids
Before we started the process of adopting LC, we knew jack about adopting period. As you can imagine, we've learned a lot
recently about the ABC's of the adoption process and both how rewarding
it can be emotionally and how draining it can be financially. Please
note: I'm not complaining. Every penny we've
spent has been over and over and over again worth it. But if you are
thinking about adoption or know someone who is or has...or just if you can find it in your heart to care at all about all the children who need a family, there's something you need to know.
There is good news: there is a "adoption assistance" tax credit that, traditionally, has helped offset some (not all) of the costs of adoption.What does that mean? Or maybe why should you care?
The bad news: at the end of 2012, if people don't say something, its gone. In fact, in 2012, it's already been changed from refundable (you get money back) to non-refundable (it just means you might not have to pay so much if you owe income taxes).
To put it simply, it means good families who want to change a life and/or provide a loving, stable home but don't make quite enough money might not have the income to adopt a child in need. (Just so you know, adoption can cost anywhere from $13-$40K on average if adopting privately.)
So this credit going away makes me incredibly sad. How many kids in the future are going to stay in the system because families just can't afford adoption?
I wrote my first ever letter to a Representative today and I'm asking if someone (ANYONE) would take the time to copy this letter (below) and click here to send (typically) a web form to your Representative. It will take 10 minutes of your life. But it could change someone else's forever.
I hope I've made this really, really easy:
Dear Representative INSERT NAME:I am writing to ask you to support the adoption tax credit, which is set to expire on December 31, 2012. The adoption tax credit is especially important to me because INSERT REASON (like: you're planning to adopt, you know someone who has adopted, or you think adoption is a worthy cause).The adoption tax credit is essential to ensuring that as many children as possible are able to find families and that the cost of adoption is not prohibitive to children being raised in loving, caring environments. I am asking you to take action on behalf of those who have made both a personal and financial sacrifice to support children in our country and in other countries who are in need.Please use your vote to make sure the adoption tax credit would be permanent, refundable, inclusive of all types of adoption, and remain a “flat” tax for children with special needs.On behalf of the countless children waiting to be adopted, and the many thousands of families that stand to suffer financially with the loss of the adoption tax credit, thank you for your attention to this important issue.
Sincerely,NAMECITY, STATEEMAIL ADDRESS
PS: Will you consider re-posting to get the word out?
Friday, June 29, 2012
Bezi's Grand Opening
Bezi's Creations is ready for its Grand Opening on Etsy! Please take a minute to stop by, check things out and pass the word along. For this weekend only I'm offering free domestic shipping in celebration of our big kickoff. Simply enter the code "grandopen" during checkout.
Make sure to check back often as I have tons of new ideas and great new products coming down the pipeline. I just wanted to get Etsy up and running with what I already have available. Remember that all proceeds go toward our adoption expenses. Thanks again for your support!
If you're on FaceBook, make sure to like our page, www.facebook.com/beziscreations. Also in celebration of Bezi's Grand Opening weekend we will be giving away a $20 gift card (either to Bezi's or Amazon, winner's choice). The winner will be chosen by random.org once the FaceBook page reaches 100 likes. So help spread the word!
Thanks again for all of your prayers, encouragement and support in bringing our baby boy home!!
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