The sandwich generation

A few months ago my mom and I had a chat about our oldest generation. I remember as a child that my Granddaddy, her dad, was around a lot. He would come over for dinner once a week and more times than not made it to my softball games and dance recitals. When I was really little, I remember spreading out on the living room floor and coloring with him for hours and he would read books to me in the kitchen while mom finished cooking supper. I remember that he was around a lot and I had fun with him, but now as an adult I couldn't remember us talking much and I felt like I didn't know what to say to him. When I was nine we moved from Birmingham, where he lived, up to Huntsville and I suppose that's when the distance came. As I continued to grow up and went off to college and got married, my mom talked to him all the time and would give him the updates on what was happening in my life, but I didn't do a very good job of keeping up with him on my own.

Recently, Granddaddy moved in with my mom and as with any new life stage, it's been an adjustment...for everybody. But even in a hard season, God is showing me so many blessings. Because of the miracles God worked last summer, I am able to stay home with Haley and therefore have the flexibility to travel...pretty much whenever we want. With my mom being a CPA and in the throws of tax season, she's finding it difficult to be everywhere she needs to be, so off we went! On Friday, Haley and I took Granddaddy to the VA to get some paperwork done and have his hearing aids adjusted and today we trotted off to Birmingham for a follow up doctor's visit. While I was looking forward to this time with Granddaddy, I have to admit that I was a little nervous about what we would talk about with so much "alone" time. So here's where the great blessings come in...we haven't had one dull moment or awkward silence yet!

Just as most of my life updates have gone through mom to him, most of his life stories have been passed from her to me...but Granddaddy says she gets some of the details confused. I love that! Today we rode an hour and a half to Birmingham and an hour and a half back. He told me all kinds of great stories...how he decided to join the navy during WWII, even though he wasn't 18 yet and details about where he was stationed throughout his service and crazy adventures that happened during that time. My favorite stories, though, were about my grandmother...how they met, adventures of their marriage, the fertility struggles they endured, and her early death. She had been sick for a long time and passed away just after my mom finished first grade. I am named after her and I have, in turn, passed her name on to my Haley. I think carrying her name has always given me a strong connection to her although I obviously never met her, so I love to soak up any story about her I've been able to get my hands on. Even though I know he hasn't always been an old man, it was so neat to travel back in time with him and watch him relive his younger days...by the time he was my age he had served six years in the navy, including active duty in WWII, married his sweetheart, endured several miscarriages with her, and pursued several careers until he finally found a passion in the X-ray business. It was so exciting to watch his face light up as he talked about his sweetheart. She was renting a room from his sister when he met her, and "she was about the right age, so I asked her for a date," he said with a big grin. I asked, "Where did you take her? Do you remember?" "Ah, I think we went to see a movie or something. But it went well cause I asked her for another date!" Six months later they were married. The pictures I've seen of their early years show a young married couple, madly in love and enjoying every minute of life. Those people were not hard of hearing or getting confused easily, but they were just like me and my sweet Toby...just doing life in your 20s and everything that comes along with it.

Granddaddy has always said he wants Haley to know him. I take a picture of Haley everyday (ok, nearly everyday) with my phone and email it out to our family. It's nothing monumental, just us at the grocery store, eating lunch or playing outside, but since we live so far away from most of our family, it helps them to feel like they can watch her grow up. So he gets to see her, but she doesn't get to see him that often...until this twisted blessing. We have spent several days here now and will make several more trips in the coming months and already I can see a sweet relationship blooming between Haley and Granddaddy. On Friday while we waited at the VA, Haley introduced Granddaddy to her favorite pal, Woody. You should know that Haley doesn't share Woody with many people, but she let Granddaddy hold on to him that afternoon and they ended up with a sweet game of hide and seek between the three of them. Granddaddy would tuck Woody into his jacket and Haley would call for him as she searched, then she would giggle with delight! Today at the doctor's office, Haley watched everything he did with curiosity...step on the scales, take his temperature, check his blood pressure...she wanted to know all about it. To watch her stroll into his room and say, "Hey Ganddaddy. What doin?" just melts my heart.

Granddaddy, Haley and Woody playing hide and seek at the VA

Even though these first months of this new season will be an adjustment for Granddaddy, mom and her husband, I am excited about the twisted blessings God has mingled in. I will get to spend more time with mom and help her in whatever way I can, and they can see Haley much more than they normally do. Thank you Jesus, for this season and for helping us to see the blessings you have intermingled with the challenges. Help us to take full advantage of this season and make the most of the relationships You've given us.

Hope is Rising

In order to give God all the due credit for the changes He's made in my heart, I have to give you some gory details of where I've been over the past few months. God moved us to Mobile from Tennessee in August of last year for Toby to begin his Masters in Theology in pursuit of full time ministry...someday. Miracle after miracle confirmed that this was truly His plan for us and not some hairbrained idea we cooked up.

Because we lived in Mobile for three and a half years before moving to Tennessee, I guess I assumed we would pick up our friendships where they left off when we moved back. We had done a fair job of keeping in touch with our Mobile friends while we were in Tennessee, but I'm sure we could have done better. So we moved back in August and started to meet up with a few people for dinner or to watch a football game, but all in all we ended up on our own most of the time. At first I chalked this up as everyone being busy with their own schedules or us living a fair distance from the area where most of our friends live. But after a while, we came to the realization that most of our "friendships" we had established before were really just acquaintances with common situations and we found ourselves basically alone, starting over in a new city yet again. Toby and I have moved to three cities during our six years of marriage, so starting over wasn't a new concept to us. I guess I had just assumed that since we'd been here before it would be easier this time.

We tried to make friends in our neighborhood or invite Toby's coworkers over for dinner, but plans always seemed to fall through. As I started focusing on the reality of our situation, I allowed loneliness, hurt and fear to creep in. Eventually this hurt and anger festered into bitterness and isolation. I found myself isolating myself from the few relationships we did have, from Toby and often even from my sweet Jesus. I just wanted to sit and cry or better yet sleep and forget it all. I would almost say that the beginning stages of depression were closing in on me. I knew it, and I allowed it. I didn't have any strength or reason to fight it off...or so I thought. There have been so many days over the last few months when I would put Haley down for a nap and retreat to my room and simply sob...over my loneliness, my fear of what our life in Mobile would turn into, grief over missing my friends in Tennessee, and the truth over what I'd allowed my life to become. I'm sure on the outside everything still looked peachy and happy, but I was dying inside. I had never known loneliness and isolation like this before. And I'm sure my raging pregnancy hormones only added fuel to the fire.

Because I was fully aware of my poor attitude and the power to change it was in my hands, I avoided my sweet Jesus. I didn't want to hear what I knew He wanted to say...but that didn't stop Him. For months I didn't sleep well. I often woke up at strange hours of the night and would be wide awake. Because I normally sleep like a log, I knew this was Him begging me to please come to Him...but I resisted. Somehow I liked being angry. It gave me some sick purpose and I wasn't ready to give it up yet. Yes, I know I'm stubborn...it's in my blood. Christmas was actually a welcome distraction. The busyness and family time offered me a convenient excuse to pretend like I was too busy for them and it took the edge off of Jesus' absence. But as soon as the holidays were over, the family had gone home and life returned to normal, the emptiness started to eat me alive.

I wrestled with it in my mind all the time and my poor Toby took the brunt of it. My short and hurtful words and attitude toward him were evidence that things weren't ok, but he did a great job of sticking it out and not fighting back, even though he had no idea what was wrong or how to fix it. Finally, finally I gave in last week. Knowing that things would only get worse, I would only fall farther from my sweet Jesus, and I was missing out on His blessings every day that I pushed Him away...I had to fess up. I sat on my bed and journaled for the first time in weeks. I poured out the truth about my loneliness, hurt, anger and bitterness and oh man, it's one thing to know the truth, but it's quite another to confess it to the One who loves you the most. That was a hard pride pill to swallow, but by His grace I did it.

After I poured my thoughts out on paper I picked up where I left off reading in Judges and fell across the theme verse for the book, "Every man did what was right in his own eyes" (Jdg 17:6) I couldn't get past this verse. I read it over and over and over again. Knowing He had something to add, I forced myself to be open to what the Spirit wanted to say. "You don't have community. You felt like you could get away with this (i.e. anger) and look where it's gotten you - You're bitter and separated from me. Satan is dragging you from the herd to destroy you." I knew He was right and all I could do was cry out for Him to save me...to draw me back under His safe wings of protection...to change my heart. I felt as though a boulder had been lifted from my shoulders.

The change wasn't immediate, but hour by hour and day by day I could feel the heaviness lifting. He would put a scripture or a person in my path that would push me in the right direction. Now, a week later I have allowed forgiveness to cleanse my soul and I can finally breathe easier!

The amazing thing about how much my Jesus loves me is that as soon (and I do mean "as soon") as I confessed this ugliness and asked Him to heal me, He immediately began to pour out healing and answered my prayers. The next day I attended the first meeting of a new women's bible study...a time that I have desperately missed since leaving my beloved Boothmakers in Tennessee. While I didn't establish any huge friendship bonds that day, simply being able to talk about my Jesus with a group of women brought so much healing to my weathered soul. The next day I attended a MOPS meeting for the first time since before Christmas. I had seen these women for months in MOPS, but again just spending time with other moms who understand my world was so refreshing! Then, I got off my butt and invited a MOPS friend to lunch. Our families met at a restaurant for lunch and I so enjoyed the company and the new friendships that were forming, not just with me and my new friend, but also between our husbands and children. Toby had also invited a coworker to dinner, so they came over that evening with their new baby and we enjoyed the beginnings of possibly another new relationship. On Sunday morning, we visited yet another new church, but something felt different about this one and so I left Toby to put Haley down for bed and attended their Sunday night meeting. The people were so genuinely sweet and interested in me and my story that I felt right at home. Afterwords I ended up in a conversation with another young mom. After a thirty minute conversation I discovered that we have tons in common and she lives just around the corner from us! At the end of our conversation, I told her I was glad to have met her and enjoyed our talk and she instinctively opened her arms and gave me a huge hug. It wasn't awkward or weird for a stranger to reach out to hug me (I'm a hugger myself), but I knew those were my sweet Jesus' arms wrapped around me. Tears came over me as I walked to my car and He told me, "I see you. I know what you need and I love you so much. We're going to make it through this."

As I've thought about where I allowed myself to go, I have to admit that I am no better than the stupid Israelites I so easily make fun of. They watched the ten plagues fall on Egypt. They saw the Red Sea part as they crossed on dry land. They ate food from heaven day in and day out and yet days after all of these miraculous events they started whining about BEING HUNGRY, of all things, and they wanted to go back to Egypt! What idiots, I would think to myself. Well, here I am...God worked out every single obstacle in our way...He bought our house, He gave us a well paying job in Mobile, He even gave us movers to move our things, and I am whining about being lonely and pouting about wanting to go back. There is absolutely no difference in my story and theirs. I turned my back on Him just as quickly as they did, but the good news is that our God is rich in mercy and grace. He is quick to forgive my selfishness and disobedience and tucks me under His wing as soon as I let down my guard. I will never understand the depths of His love for me, but man am I grateful.

As part of my healing process last week, I finally allowed myself to worship with Toby. We turned on worship from Bethel through the internet and I spent most of the hour in tears, and then almost numb as I felt His healing wash over me like a soothing balm. At the end of the night, Toby, still not know the half of what was going through my mind at the time, handed me his bible with a verse underlined and said, "this is what I got for tonight" ..."Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who long for Him." (Is 30:18) I read through the first part of the chapter and wouldn't you know that it talks about how Israel had run off to Egypt for help without God's permission or instruction. They had taken matters into their own hands out of fear, but He was still full of grace and compassion for them. Thank you Jesus for the exact words I needed to hear on that night, for restoring my heart, for forgiving all of my mess, and for loving me enough to pick me up right where I am and keep on going. You are far more wonderful than anything I deserve.

Family update

I don't have anything earth shattering to share today, but I did want to let you know of some happenings with our family these days.

Toby earned an A in both of his classes last semester. While they weren't hugely academically challenging, they were a good warm up to get him back in the swing of school. This semester he will take his first master's class, Historical Theology, and an online Greek class from New Orleans Seminary. He is cramming, as we speak, for the GRE that he is scheduled to take tomorrow morning. In an ideal world, he would have taken this before being accepted into the Master's program, but the university graciously allows for a student to take up to two graduate courses before the scores are required. I am excited to have this item off of our to do list. I have no doubt that he will do beautifully, but it's been a rough trip back to high school grammar and math. Your prayers tomorrow morning would be much appreciated!

Also tomorrow morning we will begin potty training (again) with Haley. We gave it a go in August when we first moved to Mobile, but the move and potty training proved to be too much for her little world, so we gave up and headed back to diapers. I know this sounds silly, but I am petrified of this process! I know that she is ready since she will squat in the living room and announce, "I tee tee!" but still I have visions of her not getting it, peeing all over my house and forcing us to be home-bound for weeks on end. Ok, I know it's ridiculous, but that's where I am. Over the last few days, God has been speaking to me about being flexible and I think this has to fall into that category. I will have to accept that should my "three day potty training, straight-to-panties Plan A" fail, the world will not come to a screeching halt if she lives in pull-ups for a few weeks...right? Besides, I've been looking around at preschoolers for the past week and keep thinking, "He's not in diapers. This has been done before...it can be done!" I'm sure this is only one of many parenting hurdles that will intimidate me. Wish us luck!

Today begins the second trimester in expecting our second bundle of joy! We went in for a check up this afternoon and were thrilled to hear the heartbeat...a steady 160 beats per minute. It took our doctor a few minutes (literally) to find the heartbeat (causing a momentary panic attack for Toby and me), but eventually she found the little booger. She asked if I had felt him move yet because "this kid is all over the place!" That was just the question I needed to hear to convince me that those tiny flutters I've been feeling were indeed our little one. They are faint, but definitely there and now that I know it's not just my imagination, I'm noticing them a little more frequently. We will go back in four weeks for another check up and the all exciting anatomy scan where we will get to find out the sex! If you haven't already figured it out...I'm a planner...I MUST know the sex!

I love to read up on what's happening with this baby's development and am continuously amazed at God's incredible design. I didn't tell those little cells to do anything and yet they each knew exactly what to do! Some became a heart and others formed into lungs and still others knew that they were destined to become bones...all on their own. If this baby is a girl, she already has 2 million eggs, just waiting for her babies...that blows my mind! The most complex system known to man and it formed itself without anybody's help or guidance! And now, this 3" little person is nearly just like you and me. It can blink, move it's arms and legs, and squirm around. I am in awe of this amazing creation and humbled that God has again entrusted such a beautiful gift to our care. We have about six months to go until we get to meet this wonderful child...I can't wait to see that beautiful face!

Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement as we move along on this journey. We'll keep you posted...

Christmas memories

I love to have a visual of the people and places I read about. Ok, Toby calls me nosy, but either way I realize that I haven't shared many family pictures with you...so late Merry Christmas! I hope you enjoy a glimpse into our Christmas holiday. Thanks for following me this past year and I'm looking forward to many great things in 2011!

Making Christmas cookies at Granny's house.


Chef Haley working on cookie masterpieces.


Christmas cookies.
The kids put forth a fair effort, but wimped out pretty quickly. Aunt Susan and I finished off the rest.


Our visit with Santa wasn't as successful as I'd hoped. Haley was fine to watch him from a distance, but wasn't too excited to sit with him. (Go figure...not sure I'd want to sit on some stranger's lap either.) After getting a candy cane early and sitting with Mommy, we finally got a calm picture with Santa. Had I known I would be in the shot, I wouldn't have worn hot pink...lesson learned.
MiMi made Haley's Christmas dress with the help of Granny and Aunt Susan. One of my goals for 2011 is to learn to sew with confidence.


Haley had a Toy Story Christmas. Here she is with Buzz, Woody, Jessie, and Bullseye tucked under her Buzz and Woody blanket, all piled inside her blow up Toy Story tent. It's so fun to watch her imagination as she makes new "friends".


Haley playing in the backyard. One of my new favorite pictures of her.


Mommy and Haley at the Bellingrath Gardens Christmas in Lights.


Me and my love, Toby, enjoying the lights.


Toby and Carey


Finally, a decent family picture...aka Haley is smiling in the direction of the camera, the rest of us are irrelevant.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!