Hope is Rising

In order to give God all the due credit for the changes He's made in my heart, I have to give you some gory details of where I've been over the past few months. God moved us to Mobile from Tennessee in August of last year for Toby to begin his Masters in Theology in pursuit of full time ministry...someday. Miracle after miracle confirmed that this was truly His plan for us and not some hairbrained idea we cooked up.

Because we lived in Mobile for three and a half years before moving to Tennessee, I guess I assumed we would pick up our friendships where they left off when we moved back. We had done a fair job of keeping in touch with our Mobile friends while we were in Tennessee, but I'm sure we could have done better. So we moved back in August and started to meet up with a few people for dinner or to watch a football game, but all in all we ended up on our own most of the time. At first I chalked this up as everyone being busy with their own schedules or us living a fair distance from the area where most of our friends live. But after a while, we came to the realization that most of our "friendships" we had established before were really just acquaintances with common situations and we found ourselves basically alone, starting over in a new city yet again. Toby and I have moved to three cities during our six years of marriage, so starting over wasn't a new concept to us. I guess I had just assumed that since we'd been here before it would be easier this time.

We tried to make friends in our neighborhood or invite Toby's coworkers over for dinner, but plans always seemed to fall through. As I started focusing on the reality of our situation, I allowed loneliness, hurt and fear to creep in. Eventually this hurt and anger festered into bitterness and isolation. I found myself isolating myself from the few relationships we did have, from Toby and often even from my sweet Jesus. I just wanted to sit and cry or better yet sleep and forget it all. I would almost say that the beginning stages of depression were closing in on me. I knew it, and I allowed it. I didn't have any strength or reason to fight it off...or so I thought. There have been so many days over the last few months when I would put Haley down for a nap and retreat to my room and simply sob...over my loneliness, my fear of what our life in Mobile would turn into, grief over missing my friends in Tennessee, and the truth over what I'd allowed my life to become. I'm sure on the outside everything still looked peachy and happy, but I was dying inside. I had never known loneliness and isolation like this before. And I'm sure my raging pregnancy hormones only added fuel to the fire.

Because I was fully aware of my poor attitude and the power to change it was in my hands, I avoided my sweet Jesus. I didn't want to hear what I knew He wanted to say...but that didn't stop Him. For months I didn't sleep well. I often woke up at strange hours of the night and would be wide awake. Because I normally sleep like a log, I knew this was Him begging me to please come to Him...but I resisted. Somehow I liked being angry. It gave me some sick purpose and I wasn't ready to give it up yet. Yes, I know I'm stubborn...it's in my blood. Christmas was actually a welcome distraction. The busyness and family time offered me a convenient excuse to pretend like I was too busy for them and it took the edge off of Jesus' absence. But as soon as the holidays were over, the family had gone home and life returned to normal, the emptiness started to eat me alive.

I wrestled with it in my mind all the time and my poor Toby took the brunt of it. My short and hurtful words and attitude toward him were evidence that things weren't ok, but he did a great job of sticking it out and not fighting back, even though he had no idea what was wrong or how to fix it. Finally, finally I gave in last week. Knowing that things would only get worse, I would only fall farther from my sweet Jesus, and I was missing out on His blessings every day that I pushed Him away...I had to fess up. I sat on my bed and journaled for the first time in weeks. I poured out the truth about my loneliness, hurt, anger and bitterness and oh man, it's one thing to know the truth, but it's quite another to confess it to the One who loves you the most. That was a hard pride pill to swallow, but by His grace I did it.

After I poured my thoughts out on paper I picked up where I left off reading in Judges and fell across the theme verse for the book, "Every man did what was right in his own eyes" (Jdg 17:6) I couldn't get past this verse. I read it over and over and over again. Knowing He had something to add, I forced myself to be open to what the Spirit wanted to say. "You don't have community. You felt like you could get away with this (i.e. anger) and look where it's gotten you - You're bitter and separated from me. Satan is dragging you from the herd to destroy you." I knew He was right and all I could do was cry out for Him to save me...to draw me back under His safe wings of protection...to change my heart. I felt as though a boulder had been lifted from my shoulders.

The change wasn't immediate, but hour by hour and day by day I could feel the heaviness lifting. He would put a scripture or a person in my path that would push me in the right direction. Now, a week later I have allowed forgiveness to cleanse my soul and I can finally breathe easier!

The amazing thing about how much my Jesus loves me is that as soon (and I do mean "as soon") as I confessed this ugliness and asked Him to heal me, He immediately began to pour out healing and answered my prayers. The next day I attended the first meeting of a new women's bible study...a time that I have desperately missed since leaving my beloved Boothmakers in Tennessee. While I didn't establish any huge friendship bonds that day, simply being able to talk about my Jesus with a group of women brought so much healing to my weathered soul. The next day I attended a MOPS meeting for the first time since before Christmas. I had seen these women for months in MOPS, but again just spending time with other moms who understand my world was so refreshing! Then, I got off my butt and invited a MOPS friend to lunch. Our families met at a restaurant for lunch and I so enjoyed the company and the new friendships that were forming, not just with me and my new friend, but also between our husbands and children. Toby had also invited a coworker to dinner, so they came over that evening with their new baby and we enjoyed the beginnings of possibly another new relationship. On Sunday morning, we visited yet another new church, but something felt different about this one and so I left Toby to put Haley down for bed and attended their Sunday night meeting. The people were so genuinely sweet and interested in me and my story that I felt right at home. Afterwords I ended up in a conversation with another young mom. After a thirty minute conversation I discovered that we have tons in common and she lives just around the corner from us! At the end of our conversation, I told her I was glad to have met her and enjoyed our talk and she instinctively opened her arms and gave me a huge hug. It wasn't awkward or weird for a stranger to reach out to hug me (I'm a hugger myself), but I knew those were my sweet Jesus' arms wrapped around me. Tears came over me as I walked to my car and He told me, "I see you. I know what you need and I love you so much. We're going to make it through this."

As I've thought about where I allowed myself to go, I have to admit that I am no better than the stupid Israelites I so easily make fun of. They watched the ten plagues fall on Egypt. They saw the Red Sea part as they crossed on dry land. They ate food from heaven day in and day out and yet days after all of these miraculous events they started whining about BEING HUNGRY, of all things, and they wanted to go back to Egypt! What idiots, I would think to myself. Well, here I am...God worked out every single obstacle in our way...He bought our house, He gave us a well paying job in Mobile, He even gave us movers to move our things, and I am whining about being lonely and pouting about wanting to go back. There is absolutely no difference in my story and theirs. I turned my back on Him just as quickly as they did, but the good news is that our God is rich in mercy and grace. He is quick to forgive my selfishness and disobedience and tucks me under His wing as soon as I let down my guard. I will never understand the depths of His love for me, but man am I grateful.

As part of my healing process last week, I finally allowed myself to worship with Toby. We turned on worship from Bethel through the internet and I spent most of the hour in tears, and then almost numb as I felt His healing wash over me like a soothing balm. At the end of the night, Toby, still not know the half of what was going through my mind at the time, handed me his bible with a verse underlined and said, "this is what I got for tonight" ..."Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, and therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; How blessed are all those who long for Him." (Is 30:18) I read through the first part of the chapter and wouldn't you know that it talks about how Israel had run off to Egypt for help without God's permission or instruction. They had taken matters into their own hands out of fear, but He was still full of grace and compassion for them. Thank you Jesus for the exact words I needed to hear on that night, for restoring my heart, for forgiving all of my mess, and for loving me enough to pick me up right where I am and keep on going. You are far more wonderful than anything I deserve.