If you haven't had a chance to read the background, please take a minute to do so by clicking here. I want you to see the full scope of how amazing my God is!
Tuesday, June 28: Toby came to me this evening and mentioned that he felt like he should fast for Jake to turn. I had a similar inkling the previous Sunday, but didn't mention it to him. I agreed that would be a good idea. Obviously, being nine months pregnant, fasting food was not wise for me, but after some prayer Jesus led me to fast Facebook. It seems silly, I know, but instead of absent-mindedly reading other people's posts throughout the day, I would use that time to pray for my son. For Toby, the idea was similar. Instead of snacking throughout the day or taking a lunch break, he took that time to pray and read scripture. I had been on a roller coaster emotionally and spiritually, so for those days I clung to this scripture, "Because of the littleness of your faith; for truly I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you. But this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting." Matt 17:20-21 Being days away from my due date and my son had made little effort to turn head down, I felt this to be a mountain. And so we fasted and prayed for Tuesday and Wednesday and by Wednesday evening, God had broken through.
As Toby and I laid in the bed Wednesday night, we were praying for Jake as usual but Toby threw in a new twist..."God we will submit to Your will. We will trust You, even if this delivery doesn't turn out like we want." In the natural, I agreed, not wanting to explain my heart to Toby. In my spirit, I was angry. NOOO, THIS is what we have prayed for. I will not entertain an alternative. I will not allow those words, spoken aloud, to damage my faith! Despite my anger, I had to entertain the idea...What if God's will is different than mine? How could that be? Why wouldn't He want me to deliver my children naturally? I don't want to be angry with God on the other side of this birth.
Tuesday, July 5, 11:51pm: I woke up with a strong pain in my pelvis. I was convinced that Jake had finally settled down in my pelvis. The way he had been laying the past few weeks had given me so much hope in that he had not settled down into my pelvis yet, so he was still free to turn. Now, that hope was gone. I got up and went to the restroom and came back to bed and did my hang upside down exercises in hopes of getting him back out. After 4 or 5 minutes I gave up and laid back down. A few minutes later, it was back...sharp pressure. C'mon Jake, please move so I can go back to sleep. After about a minute it went away and I started to get comfortable again. Wait! Could it be? Uhhh...I don't know!?! I never went into labor with Haley, so I had never experienced contractions with her. Is this it? The last two "pains" had been about 10 minutes apart, so I laid there and waited. I didn't want to wake up Toby yet out of fear of panic on his end and false alarm on mine. So I pulled up my Contraction Master app on my iPhone (crazy, I know) and waited. About 10 minutes later, there it was again. I took deep breaths through it for about a minute until it passed. While the contractions were intense, they didn't hurt. It was a crazy feeling. I knew this was it, but it was nothing like Hollywood portrays natural childbirth. We had researched and prayed about this experience...we were believing for a pain free labor and at this point it seemed like we were getting it!
After an hour of this my contractions were about 8-9 minutes apart and lasting about 60 seconds each. This was it, it was time to wake up Toby. My midwife, Cindy, told me that if I were to go into labor and I knew Jake hadn't turned, that I shouldn't labor at home, but go ahead and come in to the hospital. So I woke up Toby and we agreed it was time to call Cindy. I explained where we were and her words are still with me..."I'm so sorry, Carey." I knew exactly what she meant. I was going to have a c-section despite all of my desperate prayers and efforts. Delivering a breech baby vaginally with a previous c-section was risky. As much as I hated the idea, a section would be safer. After I got off the phone with Cindy, I mourned my dream for a few minutes with Toby until my sweet Jesus gave me peace in my heart about it and allowed me to focus on the task at hand. It was time to gather our things, head to the hospital and meet our son!
We checked into the hospital at exactly 3am. They got me settled and hooked up to monitors and then Cindy walked in the room with an unexpected excitement. She said, "Ok, here's what we're going to do. We're going to prep you for the section, anesthesia and all, and then we'll see if the OB will do a version (manually turn him) in the operating room. If he turns, you can delivery him, if not then you'll be ready for the c-section." It sounded good to me. From what I could tell we didn't have anything to loose. Before she left, Cindy checked me and I was 4cm dilated, after only 3 hours of contractions. To be honest, I was a bit proud of that progress. From that point forward my contractions got dramatically closer together. Within an hour they were coming about a minute apart and getting even stronger. The amazing this is, they were completely bearable. They were strong and required my full attention, but I wouldn't describe them as painful. Cindy returned a bit later. Her excitement a little deflated..."He won't do it." And with that, my last hope was gone. We were headed to the operating room.
As I sat on the side of the table receiving my anesthesia, the reality came crashing down. For the brief moment I was allowed to look at Toby, all I could verbalize was, "I don't want this. It wasn't suppose to go like this." Toby was then instructed to sit on the other side of the room, out of my line of vision. Tears began to fall but I fought my grief to be deadly still as they were putting needles in my back. However, my tears hitting the floor concerned my nurse and anesthesiologist and they started to panic, "What's the matter? What's wrong? What hurts?" I couldn't speak. At this point my sweet Cindy was able to step in and explain, "most of it's just disappointment." Her presence in the operating room was a sweet gift from my Jesus.
The surgery began and before long one of the nurses told Toby, "You may want to stand up and look if you want to see them pull him out." She continued, "Remember, he's breech so they'll pull out his bottom first." Toby stood and peered over the drape blocking my view. He watched as they pulled him from my womb. At 5:02am, the surgeon pulled him up by his hips. His head and abdomen hanging down to reveal his cord wrapped, not once, but twice around his tiny neck. Toby asked the surgeon in disbelief, "Was his cord around his neck?" The surgeon quickly dismissed his question, waving his hand as if to say "Don't say that where she can hear you. It will upset her." I vaguely heard the question, but it took a few seconds for those words to sink in. I turned to Toby and said, "Was his cord around his neck?!?" His words were so gentle, "Yeah, it was." At that moment, we heard our tiny son release his first cry. It was absolutely the sweetest sound I had ever heard! In a moment, Abba revealed why He hadn't granted my plea. If Jake had turned head down in my womb, his wrapped cord and the demands of a vaginal labor would have likely choked him to death. To think that we could have so easily lost him...it was enough to do me in. I lost it there on the operating table. The reality was sinking in and my emotions overcame me...thanksgiving pouring out. The anger that I expected was nowhere to be found. I had nothing but shear awe and gratitude that my Jesus did not grant my prayers. Again, Cindy was a wonderful gift in being able to verbalize my emotional breakdown to the medical team.
Jake was examined, wrapped up, and brought to me for my first glance and snuggle. He was perfect. The most beautiful baby boy I'd ever seen. They finished my surgery and wheeled me into recovery. Cindy had taken charge of Jake so he was able to stay in the operating room with me and was allowed to go to the recovery room before making a trip to the nursery. I was able to nurse him there and he did beautifully...an answered prayer.
Hours before I went into labor, Toby pulled our prayer requests off the bathroom mirror. I had written them up weeks earlier and posted them in our bathroom and at my kitchen sink. These are the things we were asking God for:
Jake to be delivered on or before his due date, July 8 - He arrived on July 6.
Jake to turn head down, face down soon and stay down - I did everything in my power to make this happen, but my Jesus knew better.
Labor to begin on its own and to be as pain free as possible - My body began contracting at home and while they were strong, my contractions were not painful.
To know when to go to the hospital - Our phone call to Cindy was all the prompting we needed. We were able to take our time gathering the rest of our things, and have a light-hearted time as we headed to the hospital. We even joked with each other about the amount of stuff we hauled inside. We looked like we were ready for a European vacation.
Little to no medical interventions, including pain medication, episiodomy, c-section and pitocin - I had to surrender this one.
No complications concerning:
Carey's blood pressure - I had preeclamsia with Haley, but my BP stayed perfectly stable the entire time I was in the hospital.
Carey's asthma - There were no problems or concerns with this.
Jake's position or size - My perfect baby boy was 6 lb, 3 oz at birth.
Jake's heart rate - This is a common indicator of problems during a VBAC delivery. Since we didn't VBAC, it wasn't a major factor, but he was deemed healthy from the start.
Jake's breathing - There were no problems or concerns with this.
Uterine rupture - This is the major risk involved with a VBAC. My fear in multiple c-sections was excessive scar tissue from previous sections limiting the number of pregnancies I could carry. Just after this surgery began, the surgeon volunteered, "Wow, you have very little scar tissue." That knowledge was a sweet bonus from my Jesus.
No tearing or stitches needed - With the c-section, this became obsolete.
Jake to breastfeed quickly and easily - Thanks to Cindy, he was able to nurse during recovery, and he did wonderfully. He's done great ever since.
Carey to recover quickly with no postpartum complications - While a section recovery is always difficult, this one has been dramatically easier than Haley's recovery. Not only have I had no complications, but we were able to leave the hospital a day early.
Toby to have confidence and wisdom in all decision making - Toby was a rock through the entire process. Beginning when I woke him after my first hour of labor, he never panicked. He remained calm and light-hearted at all times and was always a rock for me.
So you see, outside of the c-section, Abba answered every one of my requests. Some even beyond what I had hoped for.
Cindy had mentioned weeks before that there were two possibilities for Jake not turning. First, a short cord, which turned out to be the case. Most of his cord was wrapped around his neck. Second, the possibility of a "heart shaped uterus." If Jake had grown up into one side, there would be a septum in the middle preventing him from turning. Because I now had carried two breech babies, Cindy asked the surgeon to look for this. After delivering Jake, the surgeon examined my uterus and concluded that I, indeed, had a bicornuate uterus, even though the OB who delivered Haley noted that it was "normal." Cindy informed me later that if a baby were to implant on the small side, it likely wouldn't survive...the baby wouldn't have enough room to grow and I would have a stillborn, possibly never knowing the cause. As I just googled this word "bicornuate" for its spelling, I stumbled on my first piece of research. It states, "Several studies show that women with a bicornuate uterus have about a 60% success rate in delivering a living child." I have carried to full term and delivered TWO perfectly healthy babies! With the exception of breech presentation, these babies had zero complications either inside or outside the womb. All praise to my God for the life of these children! Yes, He is Jehovah Rapha, the Lord who heals!
"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
A few short weeks ago, I thought the desire of my heart was to experience a pain free, supernatural childbirth. My sweet Jesus knows me better. He knew that the desire of my heart was for Him to be glorified and for me to bring home a perfect, healthy baby boy.
A few weeks before Jake was born I had a few quiet moments with my Jesus. He said, "I know this man. He will do great things for me." His use of the word "man" caught me off guard. Jake wasn't a man. He was a baby. A "boy" at most, but Abba saw him as a man. "'For I know the plans that I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.'" Jeremiah 29:11 So you see, Abba already has plans for my son...beginning with the day he was born. He will be able to go through his life knowing that God saved his life on day 1. His life has a purpose. I'm just honored to be able to watch it all play out.
At the end of the day, I did not get to experience the supernatural birth I so desperately wanted. About a week before he was born, I surrendered in the quiet places of my spirit, I will trust you. I didn't dare say it outloud, but it was enough to save my son. Thank you Jesus, for knowing what is best for me, better than I do. Thank you for seeing the bigger picture when my vision gets so narrow. Thank you for protecting my son and for the gift that he and Haley are. Their simple existence is proof enough that YOU ARE GOD!!
Friday, July 15, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The making of our miracle - Part 1
From our early dating days in high school, Toby and I knew we wanted to have a big family. In my mind's eye, our children would be about 2 years apart. When Haley was a bit over a year old the window came and went for our next baby to be conceived. God stopped us in our tracks and moved us to Mobile where we were finally in a position to start trying for another baby. In the early morning hours of Toby's birthday, we were thrilled to learn that sweet Jake was on his way. This would put him just under three years behind Haley...good enough for me!
Haley was delivered by C-section due to her breech position and my preeclamsia. The recovery from that experience was horrific and I wanted to do everything in my power to avoid it this time. I started doing research on VBACs (vaginal birth after cesarean) and concluded that I was a great candidate. We discussed this at length with my OB during our first prenatal visit, and compromised that I could try for a VBAC as long as I did so under her terms - no laboring at home, immediate epidural upon my arrival at the hospital, and constant internal fetal monitoring. At the time I had hoped for a natural delivery. My OB said that was out of the question, and since I didn't know much about the VBAC world and its risks, I agreed.
Despite some minor setbacks on my end, the pregnancy moved forward with no problems. I began to research and speak with other moms about the possibility of VBAC and my understanding began to change. Not only was a natural VBAC a reasonable option, it was the best option for me. I took a trip back to Tennessee to visit some friends and had a long, God-ordained, chat with Candice, a seasoned mom. She had a c-section and 3 successful VBACs 15 years ago! Each VBAC delivery had been different regarding the level of medical intervention, and the last one was natural. She stated that without a doubt, it was the best experience. My heart began to get heavy over this issue and when I brought it up again with my OB, she had nothing but scare tactics to say to me. With Candice's experiences in the back of my mind, I eventually worked up the courage to look for another OB.
God put several women in my path that led me to a midwife who had performed many successful VBACs recently, one being a good friend from my MOPS group. The idea of a midwife was new to me and a little scary, but since I had zero luck finding another OB who would willingly consider a natural VBAC, I thought she was my best bet. This midwife, Cindy, came highly recommended by two moms who had used her. They boasted that she will pray for you and read scripture over you as you labor. I was blown away...I had to meet her! So, at 30 weeks we changed care providers and started down an eventful path.
About this time, a friend introduced me to a book called Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize. It was a fast read and I devoured it in three days. It tells the story of a mom who had been told she would not be able to conceive or carry a child. Her husband challenged the doctor's diagnosis and believed in faith that they would have biological children. God gave them four babies. The last three were born without pain medication and without pain. The idea seemed crazy to me, but something in my spirit was interested.
Within days of reading this book, an old friend came back into my life. Mindy and I waited tables together in college, and with the exception of one email several years ago, I hadn't spoken to her in seven years. In that one random email, she briefly mentioned that she had delivered her daughter naturally and without pain. She and her husband had believed God for this gift and He had granted it to them. At the time I had no idea what to make it this, so I thought it weird and forgot about it. But now in the wake of reading this book, I was curious about her experience. I contacted her and we set up a phone date where she shared her experiences and how God had indeed given her two babies without pain medication and without pain. Granted there were a few hiccups along the way, but none the less, God had been glorified in her deliveries!
After Toby and I had read the book and I had talked with Mindy, we started praying about this crazy idea of pain free natural childbirth. The more time went on, the more convinced I was that this was a miracle for me. If He could do it for Jackie and He could do it for Mindy, then He could do it for me! I could deliver my son naturally and without pain. My excitement grew with each passing day and I couldn't wait to experience the incredible miracle I had been praying for!
We continued to research natural childbirth with the understanding that knowledge is a great deterrent of fear. And fear is the root of most pain. The more we knew about this process and what to expect, the less we would be afraid of it, so we jumped in with both feet. We meet with the childbirth educator at another local hospital and had two private classes related to natural childbirth and VBACs. This time was such a gift. Not only did God give me another supportive person in Jaime, but she educated us on the physical aspects of how a pain free delivery was medically possible and a reasonable expectation. She explained how the human body produces its own pain killers, stronger than anything cooked up in a vile, and how to use the birth process in your favor to eliminate pain and stress. This was the missing link we wanted. Jackie's book was awesome in teaching us about the spiritual aspect of childbirth, but Jaime tied it together and confirmed our hopes with physical, medical information.
As part of our preparation for our supernatural birth, I spent hours in the Word studying scriptures on pain, fear, miracles, children, childbirth...anything that might relate. I wrote them out with the plan of Toby reading these scriptures over me during labor. I compiled a playlist of praise and worship songs to keep me focused on my Abba's great love and power. We bought portable speakers to hook up to my iPhone to play our music and packed a bag of things we would need during labor.
Our first few check ups with our new midwife, Cindy, were routine. The only concern was that my baby boy was breech. Remember, Haley was breech also, and knowing how rare breech presentation is, I thought it highly unlikely to end up in that boat again by the time we made it to 40 weeks. We discussed the option of a version, manually turning him by pushing on my belly. However, this option was quickly ruled out due to my previous c-section. The risk of my previous incision rupturing was too great, so we dismissed that option.
At 36 weeks, Jake was still breech. I was heartbroken, to say the least. Almost one month before he arrived, I poured out my heart to you and so many of you were gracious enough to pray for us and share encouraging words. I just knew he was going to turn! Our childbirth educator, Jaime, told us that 10% of babies are breech at 35 weeks and only 3% were still breech at 40 weeks. We heard many stories of babies turning during week 39 or even at the last minute, while being prepped for a c-section. I clung to these statistics.
I did everything in my power to help our baby turn. I did my funky, stand on my head exercises. I spent hours on end in the pool, both my sister's legitimate underground pool and our backyard blow up pool. Cindy referred me to a chiropractor who also shared encouraging statistics. The Webster's technique that they used had an 80% success rate and this specific practice boasted a great statistic of only two babies in ten years not turning. That was enough to encourage me to make the 90 minute round trip drive several times each week. Chiropractic medicine was completely new and foreign to me, but God granted me yet another beautiful lover of Jesus for my support team. Dr. Renee was not only kind and encouraging, but she had actually had a supernatural delivery herself! I was amazed at the people God was putting in my path. I was confident God was going to grant me this miracle. My son was going to turn, likely at the last minute, and then He would give me an amazing, pain free childbirth. I couldn't wait to boast His glory!
In the weeks before his delivery, the knowledge of Jake being breech became all consuming. In the stillness of the night, I would convince myself that he was turning and God had awakened me just in time to witness it. I would lie awake for hours before allowing myself to go back to sleep. But morning after morning, I would wake with his head just under my rib cage. I had so many people praying for our miracle and so many encouraging notes and chats. I was on a roller coaster. Some days I was 100% convinced that this was going to happen. I mean, this is how God designed my body to work...why wouldn't He grant it? That had to be His will...natural delivery. Right? Then I would have days of doubt. Depression would sneak in. What if He didn't grant me this prayer? Why wouldn't He? What does that say about Him? Would He withhold this miracle because of my doubts? Would I be able to trust Him afterwards if He didn't give it to me? All of these thoughts constantly plagued my mind, but I didn't dare speak them aloud out of fear those words would damage my faith. And so the roller coaster continued...
During one of those late nights I had just awakened from a dream. In this dream, I saw Jake in my womb...with his cord around his neck. It was clear that this is why he hadn't turned. Turning would tighten his cord and choke him. I woke up in terror! Was this a warning from Abba or was this a threat from Satan? I laid awake for hours debating what to make of this. When sweet Toby woke up to check on me, I shared my dream with him. We agreed that it was a scare tactic from Satan because we were being so aggressive in believing for our miracle. After all, fear doesn't come from my Jesus.
A few days later, Haley and I were running errands and the child who never naps passed out in her car seat. I randomly drove around town and waited in the Wal-Mart parking lot until she woke up. It was now too late to do my shopping so we headed home. During our short drive, I asked her our routine questions...Did you sleep well? Did you have good dreams? But this particular conversation took a different direction...
"Hey sweet girl. Did you have good dreams? What did you dream about."
"Yeah. You, Mommy."
"You dreamed about me? What was I doing?" I was flattered.
Mumble, mumble, mumble...something about Jesus.
"Jesus was there, too?"
"Yeah, He was."
"What were we doing?"
"Jesus was helping you sleep. Jesus is really sweet, Mommy."
I didn't know what to say. Then I heard just as clearly as if Haley were still speaking...I hear your prayers, Carey. And I hear your prayers for baby Jake, too. You have to trust me. You should know that one of the things I pray over Haley nearly every night is that Jesus will come to her in her sleep. That she will know His face and recognize His voice. I pray these things in my spirit as I check on her before we climb into bed and am not sure I had even told Toby about it. But now I knew, they had been answered. This was real...how else would Haley have known I'd been having trouble sleeping?
On several visits Cindy would push on Jake and he would shift a bit. She would say, "I feel like he'd go if we just encouraged him." But then she'd pull her hands back, "but I just can't. I'm not sure why, but I just can't." She explained that there were two reasons why he may not be turning. One, his cord is too short to allow for the shift, but there would be no way to see that on an ultrasound. Or two, my uterus was heart shaped with two chambers at the top and he was stuck in one of the chambers. Even so, I clung to my prayers and I begged all the more for my miracle. My God could overcome either of those obstacles.
As Jake's due date closed in, my emotions went up and down. My faith was strong one day and weak the next. All I knew was that I had poured my heart out for this miracle, for Jake to turn head down and to have a pain free delivery. I was convinced that he wouldn't turn until he was ready to come out. He's going to flip and I will immediately go into labor. I will have one of those amazing, last minute stories. Or would I?
Haley was delivered by C-section due to her breech position and my preeclamsia. The recovery from that experience was horrific and I wanted to do everything in my power to avoid it this time. I started doing research on VBACs (vaginal birth after cesarean) and concluded that I was a great candidate. We discussed this at length with my OB during our first prenatal visit, and compromised that I could try for a VBAC as long as I did so under her terms - no laboring at home, immediate epidural upon my arrival at the hospital, and constant internal fetal monitoring. At the time I had hoped for a natural delivery. My OB said that was out of the question, and since I didn't know much about the VBAC world and its risks, I agreed.
Despite some minor setbacks on my end, the pregnancy moved forward with no problems. I began to research and speak with other moms about the possibility of VBAC and my understanding began to change. Not only was a natural VBAC a reasonable option, it was the best option for me. I took a trip back to Tennessee to visit some friends and had a long, God-ordained, chat with Candice, a seasoned mom. She had a c-section and 3 successful VBACs 15 years ago! Each VBAC delivery had been different regarding the level of medical intervention, and the last one was natural. She stated that without a doubt, it was the best experience. My heart began to get heavy over this issue and when I brought it up again with my OB, she had nothing but scare tactics to say to me. With Candice's experiences in the back of my mind, I eventually worked up the courage to look for another OB.
God put several women in my path that led me to a midwife who had performed many successful VBACs recently, one being a good friend from my MOPS group. The idea of a midwife was new to me and a little scary, but since I had zero luck finding another OB who would willingly consider a natural VBAC, I thought she was my best bet. This midwife, Cindy, came highly recommended by two moms who had used her. They boasted that she will pray for you and read scripture over you as you labor. I was blown away...I had to meet her! So, at 30 weeks we changed care providers and started down an eventful path.
About this time, a friend introduced me to a book called Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize. It was a fast read and I devoured it in three days. It tells the story of a mom who had been told she would not be able to conceive or carry a child. Her husband challenged the doctor's diagnosis and believed in faith that they would have biological children. God gave them four babies. The last three were born without pain medication and without pain. The idea seemed crazy to me, but something in my spirit was interested.
Within days of reading this book, an old friend came back into my life. Mindy and I waited tables together in college, and with the exception of one email several years ago, I hadn't spoken to her in seven years. In that one random email, she briefly mentioned that she had delivered her daughter naturally and without pain. She and her husband had believed God for this gift and He had granted it to them. At the time I had no idea what to make it this, so I thought it weird and forgot about it. But now in the wake of reading this book, I was curious about her experience. I contacted her and we set up a phone date where she shared her experiences and how God had indeed given her two babies without pain medication and without pain. Granted there were a few hiccups along the way, but none the less, God had been glorified in her deliveries!
After Toby and I had read the book and I had talked with Mindy, we started praying about this crazy idea of pain free natural childbirth. The more time went on, the more convinced I was that this was a miracle for me. If He could do it for Jackie and He could do it for Mindy, then He could do it for me! I could deliver my son naturally and without pain. My excitement grew with each passing day and I couldn't wait to experience the incredible miracle I had been praying for!
We continued to research natural childbirth with the understanding that knowledge is a great deterrent of fear. And fear is the root of most pain. The more we knew about this process and what to expect, the less we would be afraid of it, so we jumped in with both feet. We meet with the childbirth educator at another local hospital and had two private classes related to natural childbirth and VBACs. This time was such a gift. Not only did God give me another supportive person in Jaime, but she educated us on the physical aspects of how a pain free delivery was medically possible and a reasonable expectation. She explained how the human body produces its own pain killers, stronger than anything cooked up in a vile, and how to use the birth process in your favor to eliminate pain and stress. This was the missing link we wanted. Jackie's book was awesome in teaching us about the spiritual aspect of childbirth, but Jaime tied it together and confirmed our hopes with physical, medical information.
As part of our preparation for our supernatural birth, I spent hours in the Word studying scriptures on pain, fear, miracles, children, childbirth...anything that might relate. I wrote them out with the plan of Toby reading these scriptures over me during labor. I compiled a playlist of praise and worship songs to keep me focused on my Abba's great love and power. We bought portable speakers to hook up to my iPhone to play our music and packed a bag of things we would need during labor.
Our first few check ups with our new midwife, Cindy, were routine. The only concern was that my baby boy was breech. Remember, Haley was breech also, and knowing how rare breech presentation is, I thought it highly unlikely to end up in that boat again by the time we made it to 40 weeks. We discussed the option of a version, manually turning him by pushing on my belly. However, this option was quickly ruled out due to my previous c-section. The risk of my previous incision rupturing was too great, so we dismissed that option.
At 36 weeks, Jake was still breech. I was heartbroken, to say the least. Almost one month before he arrived, I poured out my heart to you and so many of you were gracious enough to pray for us and share encouraging words. I just knew he was going to turn! Our childbirth educator, Jaime, told us that 10% of babies are breech at 35 weeks and only 3% were still breech at 40 weeks. We heard many stories of babies turning during week 39 or even at the last minute, while being prepped for a c-section. I clung to these statistics.
I did everything in my power to help our baby turn. I did my funky, stand on my head exercises. I spent hours on end in the pool, both my sister's legitimate underground pool and our backyard blow up pool. Cindy referred me to a chiropractor who also shared encouraging statistics. The Webster's technique that they used had an 80% success rate and this specific practice boasted a great statistic of only two babies in ten years not turning. That was enough to encourage me to make the 90 minute round trip drive several times each week. Chiropractic medicine was completely new and foreign to me, but God granted me yet another beautiful lover of Jesus for my support team. Dr. Renee was not only kind and encouraging, but she had actually had a supernatural delivery herself! I was amazed at the people God was putting in my path. I was confident God was going to grant me this miracle. My son was going to turn, likely at the last minute, and then He would give me an amazing, pain free childbirth. I couldn't wait to boast His glory!
In the weeks before his delivery, the knowledge of Jake being breech became all consuming. In the stillness of the night, I would convince myself that he was turning and God had awakened me just in time to witness it. I would lie awake for hours before allowing myself to go back to sleep. But morning after morning, I would wake with his head just under my rib cage. I had so many people praying for our miracle and so many encouraging notes and chats. I was on a roller coaster. Some days I was 100% convinced that this was going to happen. I mean, this is how God designed my body to work...why wouldn't He grant it? That had to be His will...natural delivery. Right? Then I would have days of doubt. Depression would sneak in. What if He didn't grant me this prayer? Why wouldn't He? What does that say about Him? Would He withhold this miracle because of my doubts? Would I be able to trust Him afterwards if He didn't give it to me? All of these thoughts constantly plagued my mind, but I didn't dare speak them aloud out of fear those words would damage my faith. And so the roller coaster continued...
During one of those late nights I had just awakened from a dream. In this dream, I saw Jake in my womb...with his cord around his neck. It was clear that this is why he hadn't turned. Turning would tighten his cord and choke him. I woke up in terror! Was this a warning from Abba or was this a threat from Satan? I laid awake for hours debating what to make of this. When sweet Toby woke up to check on me, I shared my dream with him. We agreed that it was a scare tactic from Satan because we were being so aggressive in believing for our miracle. After all, fear doesn't come from my Jesus.
A few days later, Haley and I were running errands and the child who never naps passed out in her car seat. I randomly drove around town and waited in the Wal-Mart parking lot until she woke up. It was now too late to do my shopping so we headed home. During our short drive, I asked her our routine questions...Did you sleep well? Did you have good dreams? But this particular conversation took a different direction...
"Hey sweet girl. Did you have good dreams? What did you dream about."
"Yeah. You, Mommy."
"You dreamed about me? What was I doing?" I was flattered.
Mumble, mumble, mumble...something about Jesus.
"Jesus was there, too?"
"Yeah, He was."
"What were we doing?"
"Jesus was helping you sleep. Jesus is really sweet, Mommy."
I didn't know what to say. Then I heard just as clearly as if Haley were still speaking...I hear your prayers, Carey. And I hear your prayers for baby Jake, too. You have to trust me. You should know that one of the things I pray over Haley nearly every night is that Jesus will come to her in her sleep. That she will know His face and recognize His voice. I pray these things in my spirit as I check on her before we climb into bed and am not sure I had even told Toby about it. But now I knew, they had been answered. This was real...how else would Haley have known I'd been having trouble sleeping?
On several visits Cindy would push on Jake and he would shift a bit. She would say, "I feel like he'd go if we just encouraged him." But then she'd pull her hands back, "but I just can't. I'm not sure why, but I just can't." She explained that there were two reasons why he may not be turning. One, his cord is too short to allow for the shift, but there would be no way to see that on an ultrasound. Or two, my uterus was heart shaped with two chambers at the top and he was stuck in one of the chambers. Even so, I clung to my prayers and I begged all the more for my miracle. My God could overcome either of those obstacles.
As Jake's due date closed in, my emotions went up and down. My faith was strong one day and weak the next. All I knew was that I had poured my heart out for this miracle, for Jake to turn head down and to have a pain free delivery. I was convinced that he wouldn't turn until he was ready to come out. He's going to flip and I will immediately go into labor. I will have one of those amazing, last minute stories. Or would I?
Saturday, July 2, 2011
The end of an era
Haley built a bear today for her baby brother. When you squeeze his hand, you hear her sweet two year old voice yell, "I wuv you, Jake!!"
It occurred to me yesterday, that if I had volunteered to deliver Jackson via c-section due to his breech position, his birthday would have been yesterday. I could have been holding my new tiny baby yesterday morning. And yet, he's still tucked away inside...crazy!! With each passing day, the reality is sinking in that we will truly have two, TWO, precious children in our home in likely a matter of days. As exciting as that is, I'm finding myself in an unexpected state of grief...
For nearly three years, it's been just me and Toby and Haley. The last three years have been an adventure, to say the least. When Haley was nine weeks old, we packed up all my 4Runner could hold and moved to Tennessee...ridiculous, if you ask me now, but at the time it seemed like a good idea. We spent two wonderful months in a little furnished apartment in Knoxville. We didn't know a soul. We didn't have any obligations or busy schedules to attend to. Toby worked hard during the day, Haley and I would drive around town finding our way around. The evenings and weekends held nothing but sweet, uninterrupted family time. We spent 8 weeks simply loving on our new baby girl.
Around Christmas of that year we closed on our house, moved in and started making friends at our new church. The friendships that God blessed us with were incredible. In fact, there were about five babies born within six weeks of Haley in my mommy group. God knew I needed that circle of friends. Haley and I spent our days piddling around the house, grocery shopping, and visiting friends. She had her baby years in that house and each room is packed with memories.
Last summer God moved us back to Mobile and again it felt like it was just me and Haley against the world while Toby was at work during the day. We took trips to the park and worked diligently to make this house our home. So I guess I'm trying to say that Haley has kind of been my "best friend" over the last three years. Don't misunderstand, Toby will always, always be my best friend and know and understand me better than anyone else on this planet, but I feel like Haley's been my play buddy and now all of that is going to change once her little brother comes on the scene.
I can not wait to see his sweet face and share all of these memories and milestones with him as he grows. I know Haley will be a wonderful big sister and I'm excited to watch her interact with him and teach him all kinds of things. A whole new season of memories lie in wait.
As I've pondered the end of this era, our little family of three, I've taken special measures to freeze frame the moments. We have cuddled together and watched movies on the sofa. We've drawn pictures together and built towers with blocks. We pulled out the famous bean box that's been in hiding for months. We have baked goodies together...although she much prefers to splash in the sink while I do the cooking. We've had special time to just talk...mommy and Haley. Her little heart is so precious and she understands far more than I give her credit. Jesus, please protect her from any sense of jealousy or isolation related to Jake's arrival. Give me the patience, wisdom and energy to show extra love and affection toward Haley in the coming weeks. Seal their bond from the day he's born, so that they will be close from that day forward. Thank you for my sweet, precious babies and the new season we are entering. Help me to cherish each day and treasure each milestone.
For those of you who are curious...Jake is still breech, but we are still believing for a miracle. Three nights ago I sat on the couch and watched him almost turn all the way around. I KNOW he will do it, he's just not ready yet. My patience grows and my faith stretches with each passing day. I know we will have an amazing story to tell of God's goodness on the other side of this miracle!
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