My, my blogger friends...so much to update you on and my apologies for my delay in keeping you all up to speed. Toby and I are rocking along and are thrilled about the path God has put us on. Our lives are full.
Let's take it back a few...years...When we moved back to Alabama from Tennessee, we knew that God had called Toby to go back to school to earn his theology degree and that He wanted us to "work in a church." That was about all the guidance we were given at the time, so we worked at it as best we could. After four or five months, God led us to South Coast Church...the perfect family of believers for our little family. The relationships, encouragement and purpose we have found there are incredible and could only be ordained by sweet Abba's plan. When we first moved back to Mobile we were looking for a pastor job, looking for someone to give us authority. After all, God did say He wanted us to work in a church, so we did everything in our power to make that happen...including cold calling random churches on a Google search asking for a job. While we did get some interesting responses, there was nothing down that road but closed doors. Once we surrendered that our plan wasn't getting us anywhere, a new verse became our focus:
"For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted." Luke 14:11
So, when we landed at South Coast we decided to do it God's way...novel idea. We decided not to pursue a "job" or even a position of influence, but to sit back and let God open doors for us. The church was meeting in an elementary school gym at the time and we started helping wherever we could. We showed up for set up on Saturday nights and cleaned toilets, set out chairs, and scraped goo off the gym floor. After a while, our pastor John asked Toby if he would help collect the offering. Later they asked me to man the first time visitor table, then they asked Toby to help count the offering and eventually to present the welcome chat before the sermon. We never once asked for authority, but actively chose to take the position of servant. We kept our eyes open for any opportunity to help...to take the trash out, to tear down the service on Sunday afternoons, to help with the kids during meetings. And wouldn't you know, God's way works. Over time, Toby and I were asked to take on more and more responsibility and we found such great purpose and thrill in being able to serve in that way. Eventually, we were asked to coordinate the small groups for the church and we have LOVED it. We love getting to know people, calling people into leadership and seeing them stretch themselves beyond what they think they are capable of. We love watching people's lives change. We have seen people exposed to the truth of who God is, some for the first time, have their entire perspective on life shift, and then immediately bring their friends and family to hear the good news. We have been so honored to serve the Lord and the family of South Coast Church.
Most recently we have been given even greater assignments. In the fall of 2012 our pastors, and dear friends, came to have dinner with us one night. We had no idea that would change it all for us. Before they left for the evening, we had been prompted with the next step on our journey. Over the following months, Toby accepted the position of Executive Pastor and was ordained by the church, and I began serving as the church accountant. Keep in mind that Toby is also still working a full time job as an engineer, but our paths and direction were made so clear at this crossroad. God had used nearly 10 years of education, training and experience to prepare us for this next step. Toby has received countless hours of training and experience in running large organizations, developing and growing teams, teaching leadership skills, and motivating others...all necessary skills for an executive pastor. I was a CPA before I chose to stay home when Haley was born. Now all of the skills I learned in bookkeeping, auditing, and management are coming into play for His Kingdom.
We are thrilled to work together for the advancement of the Kingdom of God and are so humbled and honored to walk the path that God has spent years preparing for us. And just so you know, Toby has no plans to leave his engineering job in the near future and only lacks his thesis on his Master's Degree. We are trusting God to provide all that we need (including time management) and are following His guidance one day at a time.
So what about the kids? Our sweet babies, Haley (4) and Jake (1) have always been home with me. It is a gift I will treasure for all of my days. In this season where I am easing back into the "working" world, Abba has been so, so good to all of us. My work schedule is incredibly flexible, and I am free to work whenever I can. God has provided the world's greatest nanny to love on my kids at home two days a week. She adores them, they adore her, they play outside, and go for walks. She even does some laundry and dishes. She is a God-send...literally! This season has been a good transition for the summer when they will both attend a Moms Day Out program three days a week. Haley is thrilled, and I know they will do great. Haley starts big kid school in August. I had to lay down my homeschool world and surrender that God knows me and my family better than I do, and He has led us to the most amazing school. There is still no news to report on the adoption, but thank you to all of you who have prayed and asked about it.
So that's the latest and greatest on our family and for now, here's a little peak into our world...
The Locklar Family | A Day In The Life from Hampton Road Studios on Vimeo.
Thank you to Matt and Ashley Hampton at Hampton Road Studios for capturing this season of our lives so beautifully. This video will be a treasure to me forever!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Overwhelmed by His great love
We watched the Passion of the Christ movie this past weekend for the first time in years. If you've never seen it, I would strongly urge you to watch it this weekend. It simply makes Jesus' gift so much more tangible.
So often, we tend to romanticize the cross - a clean, muscular Jesus in a spotless white cloth hanging on the cross. This poor representation is so far from the truth. Scripture tells us that they hated Jesus. The torture He endured was far beyond what was necessary for any criminal and beyond what any human could endure alone. I admit that I've had the thought run through my mind over the years, "So, He died. Everybody dies. Ok, He was tortured. Well, soldiers have been tortured for centuries. What's the big deal?" I think the big deal is that He never once opened His mouth. Our human nature is to defend ourselves, but He didn't fight back, He didn't argue about who He was. No amount of words would have persuaded the crowd in His favor. He spent three years telling the people and showing the people who He was. No words, or anger, or fighting would have changed anything on that day. He had told the disciples that no one would take His life from Him. Instead, He would chose to lay it down. This is the image that is so vivid in my mind from the movie. After all of the torture He endured, something our middle class America can not even fathom, He chose to allow these events to take place. He willingly, with all of the strength He had left to muster, crawled onto the cross under His own free will. At this point in the movie, I was thinking, "There's no way any one human could have strength to take another step. Surely, the Roman soldiers will pick Him up and hurl Him onto the cross." They never did. He crawled on His own.
Why did He do this? The whole thing seems so senseless.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the JOY that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2
There is so much packed into that one passage of scripture:
Endurance. Jesus not only endured the cross, but He volunteered for it. He endured more than any one human could ever carry, yet He didn't utter a single word in rebellion and He willingly and literally laid His life down.
Joy. Way back in the garden, Abba enjoyed sweet company with Adam and Eve. He laughed with them, He talked with them, He poured out all blessings on them. It is the relationship He intended for us to have. When sin entered the world, He "lost" us in a way. That free communion wasn't there anymore. He was separated from the ones He loves most! Jesus knew that on the other side of the cross, HE WAS GOING TO GET US BACK!! We are the joy that was set before Him. We are the reason He endured the cross. He loves us so much that He willingly endured the suffering for the sole purpose of bringing us back to a perfect relationship with Him! Don't you see? He loves YOU more than life itself. He gave everything He had to give in order to make a way for you to come to Him. He wants nothing more than to love you and pour out good things on you, just like a good Daddy. Leave the past behind, and please let Him love you!
Founder and Perfecter of our faith. He set the example for us. He showed us what it means to love those that hate you, to pray for those who persecute you. And He did it all with grace and love. Because He suffered the way He did, I can fight a little bit harder in my battle. The same strength that sustained Jesus through the cross, is in me now and I have the power to run my race with endurance - I can push a little bit harder!! All of heaven is watching as we go through this world. They are cheering us on with more passion than the Super Bowl. They want us to succeed! They want us to receive Christ's riches blessings! They want us to fight with everything we have, just like Jesus did! And they know the reward that is waiting for us on the other side. For Jesus, His reward is to be seated at the right hand of the Father and to be restored to the people that He loves. For us, we can receive His great healing, forgiveness, peace and FREEDOM for the rest of our days. As a bonus, we get to live with Him forever in perfect, amazing celebration! Now, THAT is worth fighting for!!
So what does it mean to "fight for Jesus," to "run my race"? For me, it means I can give up 20 minutes of sleep in the morning, even when I'm already running low, to allow Him to fill me and start my day off fresh. It means that I can speak calmly and lovingly to my children, even when I want to scream at them and send them out of my sight. It means I can make the hard choices to obey His instructions, even when the rest of the world thinks it's crazy. It means I can trust His leading and be obedient, even when it looks scary or inconvenient.
"Everything you do - do for the glory of God." Colossians 3:17
If I am going to do anything, I should do it with everything I have - I should do it with great excellence. Jesus never slacked off or gave less than His everything. If my words and actions reflect Him (and they do since I give myself the label of "Christ follower") then I should conduct myself as He did - with excellence. Whether it be cleaning my house, working at my job, loving on my kids and my husband, encouraging a friend, setting up for Sunday morning at church, teaching a lesson about Jesus - ANYTHING - Not only should I give it everything I have because it brings Him glory, but I have the power to do that. The spirit that sustained Jesus through His 33 years and His time on the cross sustains me too.
"Truly, truly I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do; because I go to the Father." John 14:12
Oh sweet Jesus, it is all too much to bear. I want so badly to reflect You well to a lost world. I want them to know who You are and the great love You have for them. To think that Your love for me propelled You through the cross is far beyond what I can comprehend. Thank you that you allowed them to kill you, but that didn't stop you from your ultimate goal - YOU CONQUERED DEATH, so that all men may know that You are God!! Just as You freely laid Your life down, You have the power to take it back up again! Because of this, You are worthy of all praise, worthy of all honor and glory. You are trustworthy and You are faithful. You are the King of Kings and greatly will You be praised!! Thank you for loving me, for choosing me, for wanting to use me. Of all the assignments and accomplishments You will give me during my days here, I want "Jesus follower" to be the greatest title I carry.
So often, we tend to romanticize the cross - a clean, muscular Jesus in a spotless white cloth hanging on the cross. This poor representation is so far from the truth. Scripture tells us that they hated Jesus. The torture He endured was far beyond what was necessary for any criminal and beyond what any human could endure alone. I admit that I've had the thought run through my mind over the years, "So, He died. Everybody dies. Ok, He was tortured. Well, soldiers have been tortured for centuries. What's the big deal?" I think the big deal is that He never once opened His mouth. Our human nature is to defend ourselves, but He didn't fight back, He didn't argue about who He was. No amount of words would have persuaded the crowd in His favor. He spent three years telling the people and showing the people who He was. No words, or anger, or fighting would have changed anything on that day. He had told the disciples that no one would take His life from Him. Instead, He would chose to lay it down. This is the image that is so vivid in my mind from the movie. After all of the torture He endured, something our middle class America can not even fathom, He chose to allow these events to take place. He willingly, with all of the strength He had left to muster, crawled onto the cross under His own free will. At this point in the movie, I was thinking, "There's no way any one human could have strength to take another step. Surely, the Roman soldiers will pick Him up and hurl Him onto the cross." They never did. He crawled on His own.
Why did He do this? The whole thing seems so senseless.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the JOY that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2
There is so much packed into that one passage of scripture:
Endurance. Jesus not only endured the cross, but He volunteered for it. He endured more than any one human could ever carry, yet He didn't utter a single word in rebellion and He willingly and literally laid His life down.
Joy. Way back in the garden, Abba enjoyed sweet company with Adam and Eve. He laughed with them, He talked with them, He poured out all blessings on them. It is the relationship He intended for us to have. When sin entered the world, He "lost" us in a way. That free communion wasn't there anymore. He was separated from the ones He loves most! Jesus knew that on the other side of the cross, HE WAS GOING TO GET US BACK!! We are the joy that was set before Him. We are the reason He endured the cross. He loves us so much that He willingly endured the suffering for the sole purpose of bringing us back to a perfect relationship with Him! Don't you see? He loves YOU more than life itself. He gave everything He had to give in order to make a way for you to come to Him. He wants nothing more than to love you and pour out good things on you, just like a good Daddy. Leave the past behind, and please let Him love you!
Founder and Perfecter of our faith. He set the example for us. He showed us what it means to love those that hate you, to pray for those who persecute you. And He did it all with grace and love. Because He suffered the way He did, I can fight a little bit harder in my battle. The same strength that sustained Jesus through the cross, is in me now and I have the power to run my race with endurance - I can push a little bit harder!! All of heaven is watching as we go through this world. They are cheering us on with more passion than the Super Bowl. They want us to succeed! They want us to receive Christ's riches blessings! They want us to fight with everything we have, just like Jesus did! And they know the reward that is waiting for us on the other side. For Jesus, His reward is to be seated at the right hand of the Father and to be restored to the people that He loves. For us, we can receive His great healing, forgiveness, peace and FREEDOM for the rest of our days. As a bonus, we get to live with Him forever in perfect, amazing celebration! Now, THAT is worth fighting for!!
So what does it mean to "fight for Jesus," to "run my race"? For me, it means I can give up 20 minutes of sleep in the morning, even when I'm already running low, to allow Him to fill me and start my day off fresh. It means that I can speak calmly and lovingly to my children, even when I want to scream at them and send them out of my sight. It means I can make the hard choices to obey His instructions, even when the rest of the world thinks it's crazy. It means I can trust His leading and be obedient, even when it looks scary or inconvenient.
"Everything you do - do for the glory of God." Colossians 3:17
If I am going to do anything, I should do it with everything I have - I should do it with great excellence. Jesus never slacked off or gave less than His everything. If my words and actions reflect Him (and they do since I give myself the label of "Christ follower") then I should conduct myself as He did - with excellence. Whether it be cleaning my house, working at my job, loving on my kids and my husband, encouraging a friend, setting up for Sunday morning at church, teaching a lesson about Jesus - ANYTHING - Not only should I give it everything I have because it brings Him glory, but I have the power to do that. The spirit that sustained Jesus through His 33 years and His time on the cross sustains me too.
"Truly, truly I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do, he will do also; and greater works than these he will do; because I go to the Father." John 14:12
Oh sweet Jesus, it is all too much to bear. I want so badly to reflect You well to a lost world. I want them to know who You are and the great love You have for them. To think that Your love for me propelled You through the cross is far beyond what I can comprehend. Thank you that you allowed them to kill you, but that didn't stop you from your ultimate goal - YOU CONQUERED DEATH, so that all men may know that You are God!! Just as You freely laid Your life down, You have the power to take it back up again! Because of this, You are worthy of all praise, worthy of all honor and glory. You are trustworthy and You are faithful. You are the King of Kings and greatly will You be praised!! Thank you for loving me, for choosing me, for wanting to use me. Of all the assignments and accomplishments You will give me during my days here, I want "Jesus follower" to be the greatest title I carry.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Another round on the roller coaster
We are now three weeks after Christmas, and I'm sad to report that no, Ty did not make it home before the holiday. At my last post, there was no news and then suddenly...a glimmer of hope! On Friday, December 21 my phone rang. It was our social worker, Teresa. We were 4 days before Christmas and my heart stopped at the sight of her name on my caller ID...could this be the call we've been waiting for? She said, "Carey, I've run across a situation, but we haven't talked about it before so I wanted to see what you thought. I've found a baby boy in the foster system in Missouri. He is 11 months old today...and his name is Tai'Vone." (pronounced Ty - Von). I asked her to repeat his name, just to make sure I heard her right. She said she had limited information and in order to learn more about him we had to submit our homestudy, but she needed our permission to do so. I didn't know what to say. I've envisioned a newborn in my mind for the last year, so I didn't know what to do with this twist. I called Toby and he said without hesitation, "Yes, let's learn more about him."
With that, Teresa sent the necessary paperwork and requested more information on baby Tai'Vone. I just knew in my heart that if I could see a picture of his little face, I would know if he was mine or not. Teresa cautioned us that it would probably be after the first of the year before we heard anything, so we waited and prayed. Day after day the idea grew on me. This Tai and Jake would be 5 months apart...a great challenge now to manage two one year olds, but how fun to have a best buddy to grow up with. I quickly became attached to the idea and waited not so patiently for business to resume in the new year. Days and then weeks passed with no word. We prayed for Abba to fling the doors wide open or slam them shut as we proceeded with this child.
Today, January 21 is Tai'Vone's first birthday. Secretly, I had hoped that we would somehow get to celebrate this day with him. He has been removed from the available child registry where Teresa first found him and we have not received a single response from his social worker. Perhaps this is a closed door.
So what does this mean? Did my God fail me? Did He let me down on His promise? There are many things that I don't know, but I do know that my God ALWAYS keeps His promises...always. It is most likely that I misunderstood the original "deadline" of Christmas or maybe I was overly eager. Whatever the truth is, my God is still good. He is the one who planted the love for Ty in my and Toby's hearts and He will be the one to bring him home in His timing. Above all else, I know that Abba loves me, He sees and understands my hurt and impatience, and He has amazing things planned for me and my family...inlcuding Ty.
Toby and I are nearing the end of 21 days of prayer and fasting. My greatest plea is for Ty to come home during this window. This may or may not happen and that is ok. We are now praying for direction as we near the one year mark of this adoption journey. Do we continue to pursue a domestic adoption? Do we investigate international adoption? Do we put off adoption for now and have more biological children? I have so many questions and so few answers today, but I know that Abba has a plan...a great plan. And when He's ready, He'll tell us which road to take.
I have been so touched by the many, many people who have asked about Ty and have prayed for him. You will never know the depth of gratitude that comes from this mama's heart to hear of others who love my baby boy and are standing with us to see God's faithfulness. I know He'll come through...He always does.
Related posts:
12/18/12 - One week to go...
10/11/12 - Bread crumbs while we wait
9/23/12 - A bump in the road
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near
With that, Teresa sent the necessary paperwork and requested more information on baby Tai'Vone. I just knew in my heart that if I could see a picture of his little face, I would know if he was mine or not. Teresa cautioned us that it would probably be after the first of the year before we heard anything, so we waited and prayed. Day after day the idea grew on me. This Tai and Jake would be 5 months apart...a great challenge now to manage two one year olds, but how fun to have a best buddy to grow up with. I quickly became attached to the idea and waited not so patiently for business to resume in the new year. Days and then weeks passed with no word. We prayed for Abba to fling the doors wide open or slam them shut as we proceeded with this child.
Today, January 21 is Tai'Vone's first birthday. Secretly, I had hoped that we would somehow get to celebrate this day with him. He has been removed from the available child registry where Teresa first found him and we have not received a single response from his social worker. Perhaps this is a closed door.
So what does this mean? Did my God fail me? Did He let me down on His promise? There are many things that I don't know, but I do know that my God ALWAYS keeps His promises...always. It is most likely that I misunderstood the original "deadline" of Christmas or maybe I was overly eager. Whatever the truth is, my God is still good. He is the one who planted the love for Ty in my and Toby's hearts and He will be the one to bring him home in His timing. Above all else, I know that Abba loves me, He sees and understands my hurt and impatience, and He has amazing things planned for me and my family...inlcuding Ty.
Toby and I are nearing the end of 21 days of prayer and fasting. My greatest plea is for Ty to come home during this window. This may or may not happen and that is ok. We are now praying for direction as we near the one year mark of this adoption journey. Do we continue to pursue a domestic adoption? Do we investigate international adoption? Do we put off adoption for now and have more biological children? I have so many questions and so few answers today, but I know that Abba has a plan...a great plan. And when He's ready, He'll tell us which road to take.
I have been so touched by the many, many people who have asked about Ty and have prayed for him. You will never know the depth of gratitude that comes from this mama's heart to hear of others who love my baby boy and are standing with us to see God's faithfulness. I know He'll come through...He always does.
Related posts:
12/18/12 - One week to go...
10/11/12 - Bread crumbs while we wait
9/23/12 - A bump in the road
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
One week to go?
I have shared with you and stood firm on God's word to me that He would bring Ty home around Christmas. Well, here we are, one week before Christmas and no baby...not even a hint of a baby. At times I feel like Noah - standing on the corner proclaiming this absurd promise from the Lord. Some days I am confident and hopeful, other days I am full of doubt. Either way, my God is faithful, He is trustworthy and He is good. So many of you have been sweet to ask how things are going, but the truth is there's nothing new to share. Today we are still waiting to be matched with Ty's birthmother.
Should Christmas come and go next week with no sign of a baby, what does that mean? I don't know. I wish I had the answers. Maybe I heard Him wrong. Maybe I misunderstood. Maybe His timing is still different. Maybe we keep waiting. The one thing I do know is that my God doesn't need me to defend Him. I am human and I will do my best in hearing Him, loving Him and serving Him. So today, we continue to wait...hopeful to bring home our sweet baby boy in time for Christmas. Thank you for your continued prayers.
Related posts:
10/11/12 - Bread crumbs while we wait
9/23/12 - A bump in the road
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near
Should Christmas come and go next week with no sign of a baby, what does that mean? I don't know. I wish I had the answers. Maybe I heard Him wrong. Maybe I misunderstood. Maybe His timing is still different. Maybe we keep waiting. The one thing I do know is that my God doesn't need me to defend Him. I am human and I will do my best in hearing Him, loving Him and serving Him. So today, we continue to wait...hopeful to bring home our sweet baby boy in time for Christmas. Thank you for your continued prayers.
Related posts:
10/11/12 - Bread crumbs while we wait
9/23/12 - A bump in the road
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Bread crumbs while we wait...
Well, we've done it...everything in our power toward Ty's adoption. Our profile has been completed and distributed and now we just wait on word of a match.
I had the opportunity to share pieces of our stories with some moms this morning, and I told one of them that as I look back over the last five years or so, I can clearly see building blocks. Each new thing God has asked us to do is a little bit bigger than the thing before. I feel like I can look back and see a pattern...we chose to be obedient, Abba came through bigger and better than we could have imagined, and our faith and trust in Him grew. So next time, if He asks us to do something even bigger, we can know without a shadow of a doubt that He's good for it. Not only has He not ever failed me, but Abba always blows my mind with the outpouring of His goodness. My Jesus never does anything "good enough" or "oh, that will do." No way, He gives greater than we can ask, think or imagine!
In that spirit, Abba knows that waiting is not something I'm very good at. Ok really...who honestly likes waiting in the unknown? Exactly, point proven. So anyway, when we were on our journey from Tennessee back to Alabama and I felt at the end of my rope, Jesus would always give me what I called "bread crumbs"...a little nugget to cling to, a reminder that He's working on things that I can not see, and that He never has and never will leave me. This journey has been no different. Over the last two weeks He's given us a few bread crumbs to cling to...
Last week I toted the kids back and forth to Office Depot with me while we were working to get our profiles printed. I told Haley that we were making some books to help us bring baby Ty home. She wasn't really interested in more detail, but was rather satisfied to climb up and down the boxes of paper and push the buttons on the calculators. (Yes, on that day, I was that mom.) So anyway, one night while I was working on dinner, Haley was playing with a toy phone and handed it to Toby, "Here Daddy, it's for you." Toby almost always plays along, "Who is it, Haley?" Without skipping a beat or even giving much thought she replied, "It's baby Ty's mommy." Toby and I froze and stared at each other, Haley had already moved on to the next thing. I thought to myself, why yes, Haley, we are in fact waiting on a phone call from baby Ty's mommy. I tell you, children have such a strong connection to the Spirit. Please encourage that in your children and pay attention to the "random ramblings" that come out of their mouths. They may unknowingly be the keepers of great secrets!
My second bread crumb came a few days ago at the grocery store. The kids and I were watching our cashier scan our items when a young family came up to the lane beside us. One little boy, maybe about 2 or 3, climbed out of the buggy without his parents noticing, came over to my lane and tried to be so helpful by handing my cashier an onion in a produce bag. He was so cute and so sweet and so confused as to why she wasn't taking it. We both said hello to him and commented to each other about how cute he was. Then I heard his father behind me in a strong, commanding voice, "Ty, Ty. Come here!" They apologized for him bothering us, but I was still in shock at what I'd just heard. I asked his mother, "I'm sorry, but what is his name?" She absentmindedly replied, "Tyrese" while she tried to wrangle her three small children. His dad called his name at least another 5 times before they pulled out of the line next to me to find a faster cashier. I couldn't take my eyes off of the sweet little boy, with my boy's name! I am amazed at the details that had to play out for me to experience those few, precious seconds. Another sweet gift from my Jesus...a reminder that He hasn't left us and He's still working, even though we can't see it.
From the very beginning of this process, Abba has impressed "Christmas" on my heart. Ty will be born and will come home around Christmas. Sometimes I walk in great confidence of that promise, and sometimes I feel like I'm way out in left field, but recently He has been reminding me of that detail...Christmas. Over and over and over, He's told me..."Christmas." And lately, He's gotten a bit pushy about it..."I told you Christmas. You might need to get his space ready for him!!" Oh, but, uh...that's going to require some movement behind my faith. To which He replied, "Exactly." Between you and me...I'm afraid of being wrong. What if I am way out in left field and Christmas comes and goes with no baby? What then? If all we've invested is paperwork and prayers then I can blow it off as, "Oh well, I was wrong, we'll just keep waiting." But if I have an entire nursery set up, waiting for my tiny son to come home in +/- 75 days and then he doesn't...I don't know if I can look at that space. Will be a painful reminder of a failure? SO, here's what we're going to do...we're going to be obedient. Toby and I have CHOSEN to be obedient, even if it seems ridiculous! I mean, how ridiculous did Noah look building a boat on dry land in a place that had never seen rain?!? Ok, so I will take a BIG step out there, risk looking totally ridiculous and wait patiently for my God, my King Jesus, to come through on His latest promise..."I will bring you Ty...this Christmas."
Related posts:
9/23/12 - A bump in the road
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near
Click here to see our profile in its entirety.
Our agency has advised us to spread the word far and wide that we are adopting, because you never know where that baby will come from. So please keep us in mind if you ever hear mention of adoption. Our social worker's contact information is available on the last page of our profile. We also ask that you please pray with us as we wait out the remaining months and that God will clearly bring us to the path that leads to our son, Ty.
I had the opportunity to share pieces of our stories with some moms this morning, and I told one of them that as I look back over the last five years or so, I can clearly see building blocks. Each new thing God has asked us to do is a little bit bigger than the thing before. I feel like I can look back and see a pattern...we chose to be obedient, Abba came through bigger and better than we could have imagined, and our faith and trust in Him grew. So next time, if He asks us to do something even bigger, we can know without a shadow of a doubt that He's good for it. Not only has He not ever failed me, but Abba always blows my mind with the outpouring of His goodness. My Jesus never does anything "good enough" or "oh, that will do." No way, He gives greater than we can ask, think or imagine!
In that spirit, Abba knows that waiting is not something I'm very good at. Ok really...who honestly likes waiting in the unknown? Exactly, point proven. So anyway, when we were on our journey from Tennessee back to Alabama and I felt at the end of my rope, Jesus would always give me what I called "bread crumbs"...a little nugget to cling to, a reminder that He's working on things that I can not see, and that He never has and never will leave me. This journey has been no different. Over the last two weeks He's given us a few bread crumbs to cling to...
Last week I toted the kids back and forth to Office Depot with me while we were working to get our profiles printed. I told Haley that we were making some books to help us bring baby Ty home. She wasn't really interested in more detail, but was rather satisfied to climb up and down the boxes of paper and push the buttons on the calculators. (Yes, on that day, I was that mom.) So anyway, one night while I was working on dinner, Haley was playing with a toy phone and handed it to Toby, "Here Daddy, it's for you." Toby almost always plays along, "Who is it, Haley?" Without skipping a beat or even giving much thought she replied, "It's baby Ty's mommy." Toby and I froze and stared at each other, Haley had already moved on to the next thing. I thought to myself, why yes, Haley, we are in fact waiting on a phone call from baby Ty's mommy. I tell you, children have such a strong connection to the Spirit. Please encourage that in your children and pay attention to the "random ramblings" that come out of their mouths. They may unknowingly be the keepers of great secrets!
My second bread crumb came a few days ago at the grocery store. The kids and I were watching our cashier scan our items when a young family came up to the lane beside us. One little boy, maybe about 2 or 3, climbed out of the buggy without his parents noticing, came over to my lane and tried to be so helpful by handing my cashier an onion in a produce bag. He was so cute and so sweet and so confused as to why she wasn't taking it. We both said hello to him and commented to each other about how cute he was. Then I heard his father behind me in a strong, commanding voice, "Ty, Ty. Come here!" They apologized for him bothering us, but I was still in shock at what I'd just heard. I asked his mother, "I'm sorry, but what is his name?" She absentmindedly replied, "Tyrese" while she tried to wrangle her three small children. His dad called his name at least another 5 times before they pulled out of the line next to me to find a faster cashier. I couldn't take my eyes off of the sweet little boy, with my boy's name! I am amazed at the details that had to play out for me to experience those few, precious seconds. Another sweet gift from my Jesus...a reminder that He hasn't left us and He's still working, even though we can't see it.
From the very beginning of this process, Abba has impressed "Christmas" on my heart. Ty will be born and will come home around Christmas. Sometimes I walk in great confidence of that promise, and sometimes I feel like I'm way out in left field, but recently He has been reminding me of that detail...Christmas. Over and over and over, He's told me..."Christmas." And lately, He's gotten a bit pushy about it..."I told you Christmas. You might need to get his space ready for him!!" Oh, but, uh...that's going to require some movement behind my faith. To which He replied, "Exactly." Between you and me...I'm afraid of being wrong. What if I am way out in left field and Christmas comes and goes with no baby? What then? If all we've invested is paperwork and prayers then I can blow it off as, "Oh well, I was wrong, we'll just keep waiting." But if I have an entire nursery set up, waiting for my tiny son to come home in +/- 75 days and then he doesn't...I don't know if I can look at that space. Will be a painful reminder of a failure? SO, here's what we're going to do...we're going to be obedient. Toby and I have CHOSEN to be obedient, even if it seems ridiculous! I mean, how ridiculous did Noah look building a boat on dry land in a place that had never seen rain?!? Ok, so I will take a BIG step out there, risk looking totally ridiculous and wait patiently for my God, my King Jesus, to come through on His latest promise..."I will bring you Ty...this Christmas."
As Haley and I have studied Noah over the last few weeks, I have drilled into her head...
GOD ALWAYS KEEPS HIS PROMISES!
Related posts:
9/23/12 - A bump in the road
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near
Sunday, September 23, 2012
A bump in the road
We are so grateful to all of you who have been so encouraging on our adoption journey. I know it's been a while since my last update here, so let me catch you up to speed.
God has been so good, so clear, and provided so much confirmation to us through this process. This journey started back in March when I thought I was pregnant. I had the list of symptoms across the board...strange tiredness, nausea, heightened sense of smell, emotional, you name it. Any woman who's been there knows the emotional roller coaster you ride in your mind until you get clear, medical confirmation. So I was really disappointed when my first at home test was negative...didn't even tell Toby about that one. But the symptoms continued for another week, and since I'd gotten a false negative with Jake's pregnancy, I held out hope. I had done the math, and if I were pregnant, we would have a Christmas baby. The next week I had shared my thoughts with Toby and I took another test...negative. I was so bummed and confused and I launched myself into prayer over it for the next few days. Through many hours of conversation and questions with Abba, many dreams, and lots of time in worship, He revealed something really cool to me..."Carey, you're not pregnant, but your baby has been conceived." Ha, uh, weird. What am I suppose to do with that? After more questions and long talks with Toby, we became convinced that our baby was out there, now is the time to start the adoption process and we will bring him home around Christmas.
So we shared all of this with our adoption agency, including the visions Toby and I have had of our little boy. We've since learned that people don't usually put so many "specifics" on their adopted baby, but because these sweet people love Jesus and have seen Him do amazing things, they simply said, "Wow! That's incredible! We can't wait for the ride." They have been so encouraging and supportive. So we truck along, get through the challenging application process and are getting ready for our home study. The day before our first home study visit, a 17 year old girl, matching our description, called the agency. She was pregnant and wanted to give her baby for adoption. She was due the second week of January. As soon as our social worker mentioned this to us, I just knew, that I knew, that this was our baby. This was him! How beautiful, how perfect! We wouldn't even have to prepare a profile of our family - a scrapbook birthmothers will use to "shop" for an adoptive family. I got attached, really just to the idea since we knew very little else about the birthmother, but in my heart I knew she was carrying our son. So we prayed for that birthmother and that sweet baby day in and day out, and anxiously awaited the day of her big ultrasound to determine the sex of her baby. We knew that big day was coming around the end of August, but we didn't hear from our social worker. I refused the possibility and clung to the hope that this was our baby.
The last Friday morning of August, I was running errands with Haley and Jake in tow when my phone rang. It was her, the call I'd been waiting on. She was so sweet and so kind, but she didn't have an excitement in her voice like I'd hoped. She told me that the birthmother we'd been praying for was healthy, the pregnancy was going well, and she was having a girl. I was crushed. I sat in the parking lot of Sam's Club, not really in a state of shock as much as a "what do we do now?" state. After hanging up the phone, I cried and then cried some more, knowing my sweet Haley wouldn't understand what had just happened. Seeing that I was sad, she started singing a song she'd made up, "Don't you worry worry, Mommy. Don't you worry worry, Daddy." That was it, the whole song, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. So I pulled myself together and called another member of our agency. She already knew the news and was waiting on my call. I asked her, "What do we need to do to prepare our profile?"
So that's where we are. Our profile is almost finished and then we will begin "marketing" ourselves. I hate that term, but it's basically what it is. But I know that we are not just throwing ourselves out there, begging for someone to please choose us. Our profile will simply be a tool to connect us with the one, perfect birthmother who is carrying my little boy. Our prayer is for God to show us the path that leads to our son, and I know that He will do it.
Within a matter of days, Abba was able to show me the good in our disappointment. To be completely honest, I had allowed Satan to whisper lies to me, horrible lies...and I started to believe them. They were so horrible that I didn't even tell Toby about them. That's exactly the way Satan wanted it. As long as the lies were hidden in the dark places of my mind, they held power over me, but as soon as they were released into the light and brought out into the open they were broken! I would rock Jake at night and these thoughts would come through my mind, "You're not going to love that baby like you do Haley and Jake. That child will always be different. You're going to resent raising someone else's kid when he's sick or he turns out to be a heathen. God didn't tell you to do this. You made it up and you want people to say 'Oh, look how great Carey is'." The sad part is that I listened. I allowed doubt to creep into my mind. Are we suppose to adopt? Are we just out in left field here? The beauty of this disappointment was that I grieved over "loosing" that baby. If those horrible lies were true, then the knowledge of this baby being a girl would have been a relief, and it was far from it. God used my grief to help me knock out the lies, remind me of His promise and solidify my heart for this baby. Now I am more anxious than ever to have him in my arms!
This past Sunday, our confirming God spoke boldly again. At the end of the service our pastor asked us to hold out our hands and repeat after him. I hadn't even been focused on our new son that day and was a bit distracted, but decided to buckle down and focus on the words coming out of his mouth..."Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us." As soon as those last words came out of my mouth, it was as if a sound wave or something had been traveling through the air and it hit me, nearly knocking me back. I clearly heard Abba's voice, "I will bring you Ty." And again He impressed Christmas on my heart. It was so clear, so powerful, and so out of nowhere that I crumpled into tears. Even now, He is reminding me of His promise and that His timing is perfect. We are holding onto that as we ride out the rest of our journey in bringing our baby boy home!
Related posts:
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near
God has been so good, so clear, and provided so much confirmation to us through this process. This journey started back in March when I thought I was pregnant. I had the list of symptoms across the board...strange tiredness, nausea, heightened sense of smell, emotional, you name it. Any woman who's been there knows the emotional roller coaster you ride in your mind until you get clear, medical confirmation. So I was really disappointed when my first at home test was negative...didn't even tell Toby about that one. But the symptoms continued for another week, and since I'd gotten a false negative with Jake's pregnancy, I held out hope. I had done the math, and if I were pregnant, we would have a Christmas baby. The next week I had shared my thoughts with Toby and I took another test...negative. I was so bummed and confused and I launched myself into prayer over it for the next few days. Through many hours of conversation and questions with Abba, many dreams, and lots of time in worship, He revealed something really cool to me..."Carey, you're not pregnant, but your baby has been conceived." Ha, uh, weird. What am I suppose to do with that? After more questions and long talks with Toby, we became convinced that our baby was out there, now is the time to start the adoption process and we will bring him home around Christmas.
So we shared all of this with our adoption agency, including the visions Toby and I have had of our little boy. We've since learned that people don't usually put so many "specifics" on their adopted baby, but because these sweet people love Jesus and have seen Him do amazing things, they simply said, "Wow! That's incredible! We can't wait for the ride." They have been so encouraging and supportive. So we truck along, get through the challenging application process and are getting ready for our home study. The day before our first home study visit, a 17 year old girl, matching our description, called the agency. She was pregnant and wanted to give her baby for adoption. She was due the second week of January. As soon as our social worker mentioned this to us, I just knew, that I knew, that this was our baby. This was him! How beautiful, how perfect! We wouldn't even have to prepare a profile of our family - a scrapbook birthmothers will use to "shop" for an adoptive family. I got attached, really just to the idea since we knew very little else about the birthmother, but in my heart I knew she was carrying our son. So we prayed for that birthmother and that sweet baby day in and day out, and anxiously awaited the day of her big ultrasound to determine the sex of her baby. We knew that big day was coming around the end of August, but we didn't hear from our social worker. I refused the possibility and clung to the hope that this was our baby.
The last Friday morning of August, I was running errands with Haley and Jake in tow when my phone rang. It was her, the call I'd been waiting on. She was so sweet and so kind, but she didn't have an excitement in her voice like I'd hoped. She told me that the birthmother we'd been praying for was healthy, the pregnancy was going well, and she was having a girl. I was crushed. I sat in the parking lot of Sam's Club, not really in a state of shock as much as a "what do we do now?" state. After hanging up the phone, I cried and then cried some more, knowing my sweet Haley wouldn't understand what had just happened. Seeing that I was sad, she started singing a song she'd made up, "Don't you worry worry, Mommy. Don't you worry worry, Daddy." That was it, the whole song, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. So I pulled myself together and called another member of our agency. She already knew the news and was waiting on my call. I asked her, "What do we need to do to prepare our profile?"
So that's where we are. Our profile is almost finished and then we will begin "marketing" ourselves. I hate that term, but it's basically what it is. But I know that we are not just throwing ourselves out there, begging for someone to please choose us. Our profile will simply be a tool to connect us with the one, perfect birthmother who is carrying my little boy. Our prayer is for God to show us the path that leads to our son, and I know that He will do it.
Within a matter of days, Abba was able to show me the good in our disappointment. To be completely honest, I had allowed Satan to whisper lies to me, horrible lies...and I started to believe them. They were so horrible that I didn't even tell Toby about them. That's exactly the way Satan wanted it. As long as the lies were hidden in the dark places of my mind, they held power over me, but as soon as they were released into the light and brought out into the open they were broken! I would rock Jake at night and these thoughts would come through my mind, "You're not going to love that baby like you do Haley and Jake. That child will always be different. You're going to resent raising someone else's kid when he's sick or he turns out to be a heathen. God didn't tell you to do this. You made it up and you want people to say 'Oh, look how great Carey is'." The sad part is that I listened. I allowed doubt to creep into my mind. Are we suppose to adopt? Are we just out in left field here? The beauty of this disappointment was that I grieved over "loosing" that baby. If those horrible lies were true, then the knowledge of this baby being a girl would have been a relief, and it was far from it. God used my grief to help me knock out the lies, remind me of His promise and solidify my heart for this baby. Now I am more anxious than ever to have him in my arms!
This past Sunday, our confirming God spoke boldly again. At the end of the service our pastor asked us to hold out our hands and repeat after him. I hadn't even been focused on our new son that day and was a bit distracted, but decided to buckle down and focus on the words coming out of his mouth..."Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us." As soon as those last words came out of my mouth, it was as if a sound wave or something had been traveling through the air and it hit me, nearly knocking me back. I clearly heard Abba's voice, "I will bring you Ty." And again He impressed Christmas on my heart. It was so clear, so powerful, and so out of nowhere that I crumpled into tears. Even now, He is reminding me of His promise and that His timing is perfect. We are holding onto that as we ride out the rest of our journey in bringing our baby boy home!
Related posts:
7/10/12 - Save the adoption credit
6/29/12 - Bezi's Grand Opening
6/22/12 - We're over the first hump
5/21/12 - Out of the mouths of babes
5/13/12 - A far away dream comes near
Sunday, August 12, 2012
From pew warmer to freedom walker
My heart is so heavy today. There is so much I want to share, so much life I want others to have, so much sadness that they don't even know what they're turning down. Today I will share a piece of my heart, a piece of my journey. Hopefully it will help others to see that YES, THERE IS MORE!
I grew up in church with a mom who prayed for me and read me Bible stories. The church thing stuck. I even went so far as to pursue church attendance when I moved out on my own. Sadly, my motives were a bit skewed. I went to church because that's just what you did, that's what was expected, and my mom would be disappointed if I didn't. So in each new city I found myself, I searched out a church. I even started teaching Sunday School at one of them. How's that for gold stars, huh?!? So this went on for years...and years. But secretly, I was dying. I would ask myself, is this really it? Is what I'm living the great joy that God promises and that I've heard preached about all the time? Because frankly, it's really not all that great. I don't mind following the "rules" too much, I'm not really a rebel at heart anyway, but if this is the greatest way to live life, I must be missing something. And here's where I ran into my biggest problem..."Um, yeah, I know I'm a Sunday School teacher and all, but I don't really get it. What's the big deal? I don't have this overflowing joy that the Bible tells me I'll have and quite frankly, I'm a bit tired of keeping up the act, checking my religion box, and going through the motions." I felt stuck. How do I admit to knowing nothing about what I was teaching? Sure I knew all the "right" things to say, but at the end of the day they were just the rules, the dos and the don'ts...I'd mastered those, but nothing penetrated deeper than that. Just so we're clear, this facade went across the board to every aspect of my life...my coworkers, my friends at church, my family, my husband and myself. I pretended to all of them. I pretended to "be in love with Jesus" to all of them, and for a while I tried to convince myself I had it all figured out, but in my secret places I knew it just wasn't true. I didn't even know what that meant, much less how to get there, but it sounded good. It's what was expected of me, so I kept it up. But when you've had enough pretending to have it all together, how do you get out? I didn't know, so I kept my doubts to myself and eventually God took me to a new place. A place where nobody knew my name, nobody knew what I had "taught" before and I didn't have any act to keep up. I could just start fresh. I could admit that I didn't know as much about this God stuff as I had led on. I could ask questions without expecting an appalling, shocked look in return. The details of the day that changed everything for me are here, but now I have to tell you what I've learned on the other side...
If you find yourself in a similar place, the biggest thing I can tell you is that the ball is in your court. It's your move.
"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13
"I love those who love me; and those who diligently seek me will find me." Proverbs 8:17
"But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul." Deuteronomy 4:29
"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Luke 11:10, Matthew 7:8
This word "seek" means "to search out in worship or prayer, to strive after, to beg, to desire." It requires me to take the first step. I have to want to find Him. I have to want to know what He has to say. I have to want to do what He asks. This was my hang up for years. I would go through the motions, read my Bible on occasion, talk the talk, but deep down in the quiet, secret places of my gut I didn't really want to find Him. I knew what He was going to say and I didn't like it. He was going to tell me that I was wrong for carrying on like I had been. I didn't read my Bible often enough. I didn't talk about Him enough to my coworkers. I didn't pray for people when I told them I would. Yeah, I knew the dos and don'ts and I could point a finger at you, but I didn't follow them all the way through. God was going to be disappointed with me, so I chose not to give Him a chance to talk. I didn't really want to find Him. Even though I knew something was missing, I'd rather live without that missing piece than face His finger in my face for all the things I had not done good enough.
Sweet friend, I am here to tell you that's the place I lived in for so many years...stuck and no idea what to do about it. But the fear of God's pointing finger turned out to be a lie from the pit of hell. I've since learned that those fears and those words of condemnation and accusing fingers only come from the enemy. Paul tells us that "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1. If you don't want to look for God because you're afraid you'll get a finger in your face, you need to address that head on...that is NOT Jesus' sweet voice of love, that is Satan's voice holding you in captivity, keeping you locked up in yourself, and you have the power to call his bluff. You have the power to tell him to shut up and turn your face to what God has to say.
So what does He have to say? If I decide to give Him a chance to talk, what will He say to me? I remember that day very clearly. Toby was at work, Haley was napping and I climbed onto my bed with my journal and my Bible. I had seen other women in Tennessee with something I didn't have. They threw their heads back and spun like children in worship to our God. They were so free and full of life. Their eyes sparkled and danced when they talked about God. I knew that whatever they had, I didn't, but I wanted it. So I sat on my bed and decided that I would give Him a chance to talk. I would hear Him out. I wanted to know how to hear His voice. During the prayer time that changed everything for me, He said, "Carey, I see you. Not only do I 'know how many hairs are on your head' and did I 'knit you together in your mother's womb' but I see you today. I know what's going through your head today. I know that you're stuck. I know that you want a way out, and I want to show you how. I am trustworthy."
So, "seek and you will find." You have to ask yourself...Do you really want to find Him? Do you really want to know what He has to say? Really? In the deep, quiet places of your gut...are you willing to give Him a chance to speak? Until you can honestly look for Him with everything you have, you won't find Him. You won't find the great joy and peace He talks about. You won't be able to feel His presence and hear His voice. All of your efforts will just be motions, religion, and a facade. I can tell you, He's trustworthy. He does not have a finger waiting on you. He is not ready to bring up a list of all the places you've failed. He is waiting for a chance to tell you how much He loves you, how much he thinks about you. He wants to show you the joy and peace He has to offer. He wants to lavish you with beautiful gifts, greater than you can imagine. Are you ready to hear Him out?
I grew up in church with a mom who prayed for me and read me Bible stories. The church thing stuck. I even went so far as to pursue church attendance when I moved out on my own. Sadly, my motives were a bit skewed. I went to church because that's just what you did, that's what was expected, and my mom would be disappointed if I didn't. So in each new city I found myself, I searched out a church. I even started teaching Sunday School at one of them. How's that for gold stars, huh?!? So this went on for years...and years. But secretly, I was dying. I would ask myself, is this really it? Is what I'm living the great joy that God promises and that I've heard preached about all the time? Because frankly, it's really not all that great. I don't mind following the "rules" too much, I'm not really a rebel at heart anyway, but if this is the greatest way to live life, I must be missing something. And here's where I ran into my biggest problem..."Um, yeah, I know I'm a Sunday School teacher and all, but I don't really get it. What's the big deal? I don't have this overflowing joy that the Bible tells me I'll have and quite frankly, I'm a bit tired of keeping up the act, checking my religion box, and going through the motions." I felt stuck. How do I admit to knowing nothing about what I was teaching? Sure I knew all the "right" things to say, but at the end of the day they were just the rules, the dos and the don'ts...I'd mastered those, but nothing penetrated deeper than that. Just so we're clear, this facade went across the board to every aspect of my life...my coworkers, my friends at church, my family, my husband and myself. I pretended to all of them. I pretended to "be in love with Jesus" to all of them, and for a while I tried to convince myself I had it all figured out, but in my secret places I knew it just wasn't true. I didn't even know what that meant, much less how to get there, but it sounded good. It's what was expected of me, so I kept it up. But when you've had enough pretending to have it all together, how do you get out? I didn't know, so I kept my doubts to myself and eventually God took me to a new place. A place where nobody knew my name, nobody knew what I had "taught" before and I didn't have any act to keep up. I could just start fresh. I could admit that I didn't know as much about this God stuff as I had led on. I could ask questions without expecting an appalling, shocked look in return. The details of the day that changed everything for me are here, but now I have to tell you what I've learned on the other side...
If you find yourself in a similar place, the biggest thing I can tell you is that the ball is in your court. It's your move.
"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13
"I love those who love me; and those who diligently seek me will find me." Proverbs 8:17
"But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul." Deuteronomy 4:29
"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Luke 11:10, Matthew 7:8
This word "seek" means "to search out in worship or prayer, to strive after, to beg, to desire." It requires me to take the first step. I have to want to find Him. I have to want to know what He has to say. I have to want to do what He asks. This was my hang up for years. I would go through the motions, read my Bible on occasion, talk the talk, but deep down in the quiet, secret places of my gut I didn't really want to find Him. I knew what He was going to say and I didn't like it. He was going to tell me that I was wrong for carrying on like I had been. I didn't read my Bible often enough. I didn't talk about Him enough to my coworkers. I didn't pray for people when I told them I would. Yeah, I knew the dos and don'ts and I could point a finger at you, but I didn't follow them all the way through. God was going to be disappointed with me, so I chose not to give Him a chance to talk. I didn't really want to find Him. Even though I knew something was missing, I'd rather live without that missing piece than face His finger in my face for all the things I had not done good enough.
Sweet friend, I am here to tell you that's the place I lived in for so many years...stuck and no idea what to do about it. But the fear of God's pointing finger turned out to be a lie from the pit of hell. I've since learned that those fears and those words of condemnation and accusing fingers only come from the enemy. Paul tells us that "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1. If you don't want to look for God because you're afraid you'll get a finger in your face, you need to address that head on...that is NOT Jesus' sweet voice of love, that is Satan's voice holding you in captivity, keeping you locked up in yourself, and you have the power to call his bluff. You have the power to tell him to shut up and turn your face to what God has to say.
So what does He have to say? If I decide to give Him a chance to talk, what will He say to me? I remember that day very clearly. Toby was at work, Haley was napping and I climbed onto my bed with my journal and my Bible. I had seen other women in Tennessee with something I didn't have. They threw their heads back and spun like children in worship to our God. They were so free and full of life. Their eyes sparkled and danced when they talked about God. I knew that whatever they had, I didn't, but I wanted it. So I sat on my bed and decided that I would give Him a chance to talk. I would hear Him out. I wanted to know how to hear His voice. During the prayer time that changed everything for me, He said, "Carey, I see you. Not only do I 'know how many hairs are on your head' and did I 'knit you together in your mother's womb' but I see you today. I know what's going through your head today. I know that you're stuck. I know that you want a way out, and I want to show you how. I am trustworthy."
So, "seek and you will find." You have to ask yourself...Do you really want to find Him? Do you really want to know what He has to say? Really? In the deep, quiet places of your gut...are you willing to give Him a chance to speak? Until you can honestly look for Him with everything you have, you won't find Him. You won't find the great joy and peace He talks about. You won't be able to feel His presence and hear His voice. All of your efforts will just be motions, religion, and a facade. I can tell you, He's trustworthy. He does not have a finger waiting on you. He is not ready to bring up a list of all the places you've failed. He is waiting for a chance to tell you how much He loves you, how much he thinks about you. He wants to show you the joy and peace He has to offer. He wants to lavish you with beautiful gifts, greater than you can imagine. Are you ready to hear Him out?
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