My heart is so heavy today. There is so much I want to share, so much life I want others to have, so much sadness that they don't even know what they're turning down. Today I will share a piece of my heart, a piece of my journey. Hopefully it will help others to see that YES, THERE IS MORE!
I grew up in church with a mom who prayed for me and read me Bible stories. The church thing stuck. I even went so far as to pursue church attendance when I moved out on my own. Sadly, my motives were a bit skewed. I went to church because that's just what you did, that's what was expected, and my mom would be disappointed if I didn't. So in each new city I found myself, I searched out a church. I even started teaching Sunday School at one of them. How's that for gold stars, huh?!? So this went on for years...and years. But secretly, I was dying. I would ask myself, is this really it? Is what I'm living the great joy that God promises and that I've heard preached about all the time? Because frankly, it's really not all that great. I don't mind following the "rules" too much, I'm not really a rebel at heart anyway, but if this is the greatest way to live life, I must be missing something. And here's where I ran into my biggest problem..."Um, yeah, I know I'm a Sunday School teacher and all, but I don't really get it. What's the big deal? I don't have this overflowing joy that the Bible tells me I'll have and quite frankly, I'm a bit tired of keeping up the act, checking my religion box, and going through the motions." I felt stuck. How do I admit to knowing nothing about what I was teaching? Sure I knew all the "right" things to say, but at the end of the day they were just the rules, the dos and the don'ts...I'd mastered those, but nothing penetrated deeper than that. Just so we're clear, this facade went across the board to every aspect of my life...my coworkers, my friends at church, my family, my husband and myself. I pretended to all of them. I pretended to "be in love with Jesus" to all of them, and for a while I tried to convince myself I had it all figured out, but in my secret places I knew it just wasn't true. I didn't even know what that meant, much less how to get there, but it sounded good. It's what was expected of me, so I kept it up. But when you've had enough pretending to have it all together, how do you get out? I didn't know, so I kept my doubts to myself and eventually God took me to a new place. A place where nobody knew my name, nobody knew what I had "taught" before and I didn't have any act to keep up. I could just start fresh. I could admit that I didn't know as much about this God stuff as I had led on. I could ask questions without expecting an appalling, shocked look in return. The details of the day that changed everything for me are here, but now I have to tell you what I've learned on the other side...
If you find yourself in a similar place, the biggest thing I can tell you is that the ball is in your court. It's your move.
"You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13
"I love those who love me; and those who diligently seek me will find me." Proverbs 8:17
"But from there you will seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul." Deuteronomy 4:29
"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you." Luke 11:10, Matthew 7:8
This word "seek" means "to search out in worship or prayer, to strive after, to beg, to desire." It requires me to take the first step. I have to want to find Him. I have to want to know what He has to say. I have to want to do what He asks. This was my hang up for years. I would go through the motions, read my Bible on occasion, talk the talk, but deep down in the quiet, secret places of my gut I didn't really want to find Him. I knew what He was going to say and I didn't like it. He was going to tell me that I was wrong for carrying on like I had been. I didn't read my Bible often enough. I didn't talk about Him enough to my coworkers. I didn't pray for people when I told them I would. Yeah, I knew the dos and don'ts and I could point a finger at you, but I didn't follow them all the way through. God was going to be disappointed with me, so I chose not to give Him a chance to talk. I didn't really want to find Him. Even though I knew something was missing, I'd rather live without that missing piece than face His finger in my face for all the things I had not done good enough.
Sweet friend, I am here to tell you that's the place I lived in for so many years...stuck and no idea what to do about it. But the fear of God's pointing finger turned out to be a lie from the pit of hell. I've since learned that those fears and those words of condemnation and accusing fingers only come from the enemy. Paul tells us that "there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1. If you don't want to look for God because you're afraid you'll get a finger in your face, you need to address that head on...that is NOT Jesus' sweet voice of love, that is Satan's voice holding you in captivity, keeping you locked up in yourself, and you have the power to call his bluff. You have the power to tell him to shut up and turn your face to what God has to say.
So what does He have to say? If I decide to give Him a chance to talk, what will He say to me? I remember that day very clearly. Toby was at work, Haley was napping and I climbed onto my bed with my journal and my Bible. I had seen other women in Tennessee with something I didn't have. They threw their heads back and spun like children in worship to our God. They were so free and full of life. Their eyes sparkled and danced when they talked about God. I knew that whatever they had, I didn't, but I wanted it. So I sat on my bed and decided that I would give Him a chance to talk. I would hear Him out. I wanted to know how to hear His voice. During the prayer time that changed everything for me, He said, "Carey, I see you. Not only do I 'know how many hairs are on your head' and did I 'knit you together in your mother's womb' but I see you today. I know what's going through your head today. I know that you're stuck. I know that you want a way out, and I want to show you how. I am trustworthy."
So, "seek and you will find." You have to ask yourself...Do you really want to find Him? Do you really want to know what He has to say? Really? In the deep, quiet places of your gut...are you willing to give Him a chance to speak? Until you can honestly look for Him with everything you have, you won't find Him. You won't find the great joy and peace He talks about. You won't be able to feel His presence and hear His voice. All of your efforts will just be motions, religion, and a facade. I can tell you, He's trustworthy. He does not have a finger waiting on you. He is not ready to bring up a list of all the places you've failed. He is waiting for a chance to tell you how much He loves you, how much he thinks about you. He wants to show you the joy and peace He has to offer. He wants to lavish you with beautiful gifts, greater than you can imagine. Are you ready to hear Him out?
